Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Hidden Sneaky Ulterior Motives

There're times in life where i'd feel very...very low, inferior, helpless. But, then, dis had always remind me back to the pretentious rebellious act, stupid and act-without-thinking of the consequences, dunt giv a damn adolescent days, which...I shud've treasured, savoured, and enjoyed every minute of it.Now, I trying to find, running and trying to grasp for those few precious moments in my life.Eversince I was a kid, people, had always make fun of me,eversince kindergarten kot. I guess I kinda potray the image of sum1 whu can be easily to be ridiculed with. It's not like i dunt wanna stand up for my self, but in the end i often came back to them, licking all the spits i've thrown out, and it'll only make matter worse, myself worse. I just wish, dat I cud make frens, plus without any, hidden, sneaky, ulterior motives. Haha, I gues, I kinda like to describe things, eh? Wel, i cud only wish you all success, like you already had :-)

Monday, July 12, 2010

Being Ignored Eh?

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah? how are you? how's life? starting to feel its getting harder to move around without money? haha, no worries, teruskan usaha mencari, and ull find it, insyaAllah.

Hai kids, how's life? what are u all up to now?  so, how do u perceive life now? much better i hope. Well, i will always pray for the best of u guys, and all beloved people who once, regardless of direct on indirect touch me when i was once alive.

So, I know it sucks when people ignore us, as if we're some hollow, transparent entity that is well, unable to be seen, not because its the nature of the physical part, but rather the ugly rotten nature of one's mind and heart, but still, no matter how far i feel to put all the blames on other people, lets try for once to be in their shoes, and try to think as positive as we could, because fellas, kids, sesungguhnya setiap yang baik itu datangnya dari Allah s.w.t. dan setiap yang buruk itu datangnya dari kelemahan kita sendiri, so remember dis before u start pointing fingers on other people's mistakes.

Being ignored, being not wanted, is one of the feelings i wish not to be lucky enough to express it, but undeniably, every one of us will undergo this unwanted situation, whether we like it or not. so, beat it!

Remember dis kids, whenever u had the chance to just ignore someone, a total unknown stranger or your friends, never ever do so, dont ever ignore their feelings because i know what it feels like to be ignored, and cause karma is a bitch, i would never want any of u, my beloveds to ever walk on the shoes of such humiliating experience, not only bcos its painful and demoralizing but it indeed instigate the inferiority in me, but if u somehow fall into dis dark pits, u can always fly out of the critical situation, it's hard but it is NOT impossible, pray, make effort and u shall get it!

But before i elaborate any further, for u female friends, and my beloved female daughter (if im lucky enuf to have one) im sure u will sumhow stumble across this situation where a guy trying to chase u, trying to steal ur attention and getting ur undivided affection, and if u do so, please try open your heart to that particular person, TETAPI proceed with caution, trust ur instincts and dont forget to pray for directions. Haha, u must think im one fussy, busy body person eh? well i guess i am, when im no longer around im still there to jaga tepi kain korang, haha, well, i cant help it, dis is just one of my ways showing MY undivided affection, MY attention, MY feelings and before u open your heart to this fortunate guy, please open it for your father.

And as a guy who had tried to chase or woo quite few numbers of women (haha, bajet hot stuff) tho my effort ALWAYS left in vain and even it means complicating my process in search for ur mum, TOLONG JANGAN easily be deceived with guys' dirty tricks or any stunt they pull off as they tried to woo you, be EXTRA careful! Please dont give in too easily, dont be cheap even that guy is soooo hot, hold up ur morale, ur pride as women (and ur virginity DEFINITELY) and dont let it shattered in the hands of undeserved, wrecked, fucked-up scumbags, and whatever your decision is, i believe u know what u wanted and i believe dat u also know who is your mr right is, so all i cud say is I wish you and your partner a blessed, happy, everlasting relationship, like me and your mum, insyaAllah, like I had always had wished.

The Few Last Days of Life

Assalamualaikum w.b.t., how’s life Hanafiah? Haha, it seems u’re quite down recently, no worries, im sure u’ll spring up back to life like u always had, haha, insyaAllah.
Wow, okay, from now on, im trying to get used to talk or writing my feelings for u guys, my kids to read, but this is important, for one of the basic things in life that I wanted to teach u guys, but maybe in the future I cant due to lots of unwanted circumstances, but then again rest assured for it can be learned here, from this secluded post in my boring, loooogggg, text-book like blog.
You see kids, recently, I had this chance, an unwanted one, the one I reluctant heavily due to well, lots of perplexing ideas that I will unravel as I proceed here. Recently, my father, yes, your grandpa I shud say, asked me to find him an old folk’s home, so my auntie, mak ngah coincidentally had a fren that opened an institution for old folk people, and she urges to bring me there to have a grasp look at the place. So, I went there last week, I borrowed car from your grandma and went to my auntie’s house in Taman Cuepacs, Cheras.
For your information, my father, once live nearby, in Taman Mudun but now lives in Ampang, so next time if sumone asks about ur grandparents, u know where they live, or any place they had stay when they’re still alive. After sending ur grandma to S. Alam, I went straight to Cheras, See, how strong ur grandma is, not only in the form of physical attributes but in sense of responsibility in fulfilling her task as educator as well?  She still can afford to go to work even at the age 64, tho I don’t know how long will it takes, I wish for her the best in life, and ill always be by her side, like u guys will always be by mine, hopefully. I was very tired and sleepy because I didn’t sleep the night before due to a World Cup game that I watched with ur uncle Sufian.
It was frustrating at first to find the house, but sumhow mak ngah managed to find it, I guess it’s true when people said, where there’s a will, there’s a way. I step up out of the car, and it was around late noon, but the heat combined with the cold of the air conditioned vicinity when I was in the car earlier suits me best, and I take a slow, small step walking into the small, limited compound of the house. 

Technically speaking, it wasn’t actually a house, but a small mosque, a surau more like it. Tho it had been converted to an old folks home, the sacred function of the mosque still exist. Every night, there will be people in the nearby area come and pray in jemaah. 

No matter how much it changed, no matter how far the world progress, no matter how many time had passed on, one of the sacred, best, effective institution that is NEVER affected by the dirty hands of unfaithful slave even the hard, iron clawed politicians that may had the slick ideas to manipulate and manage their cunning, stealthy way into winning favors and votes from society by using the mosque as a wrong medium in spreading their filthy, unacceptable propaganda which is just sum disgustful polemic, trying to cover it in the name of Islam or perhaps the worsening situation of our beloved environment, global warming, or economy recession or whatever catastrophic disaster instigated by the wrongdoings of us humans or well, whatever the reason is, the time is constant in here, and even when the outside world seem to be chaotic, and full of destructions and war, but in here there’s only peace, and ur task here is to make sure ur mind is focused on carrying out ur responsibility, to strengthen ur faith, the bond between u and God, Subhanallah, thus  that is why we often regard the mosque as  the house of God.   

Remember kids, that everytime, EVERY time u’re lost, no, please don’t use the GPS joke here, u know what im trying to say rite fellas? Haha. If u lost or sumhow stucked at the end of long, winding, complicated road, u can restart here, by praying to God, and beg Him for mercy, for directions, to give u a new chance, cause we humans, even the blessed ones  are prone to mistakes, and I am sooo full of it that its hard for me to tell you this, I admit ive done lots of mistakes, too much unwanted errors, and dis time im gonna make it right, and carry out my duty as a father as good as I could be tho im no longer by yourside, and if I no longer do, let me remind you for thousand, billion times that I love u, and I will always love u guys, and please let me remain in the small space of ur big heart, okay? Haha.

The mosque was quite okay, and I walked inside. On the walls, hanged lots of pictures of IPT students that came there to do visits, or do welfare’s work to fulfill their designed co-curricular activities. Plus there are lots of beautiful, hand-made souvenirs, with wishful words jotted on it perhaps created by the artistic hands of the visitors, well, kata-kata itu doa, or so they used to say, thus hopefully writing it on will have a huge impact on these left-out, old, so old there they no longer able to read, suited to be dwellers of the old folk’s home. Tetapi, kata2 dan perbuatan yang baik pasti akan mendapat balasan yang baik, bear dat in mind kids, and before u guys wanted to pull off any good deeds, no matter towards anybody, make sure, be certain its 100% sincere and straight from your burning passionate heart.

I sit on the chair, the makcik, the mosque keeper, the main person in charge in making these good deed to happen and continuing it with limited budget served me a cold orange juice. I let it be, and listen to what she wanted to say, and after hearing her explanation, I talked with her husband, and one of the sentences that I really like and I wanted to quote it here is ‘kita merancang, Allah pun merancang, TETAPI, perancangan Allah itu lebih baik’. Those words, reaaaally left a huge impact on me, yes, I know it is quite common sense, I know it’s a small thing, tiny sentence, but small things meant a lot, and this meant huge one. 

The conversation went on, and since he is an elder, I mostly listen to what he was saying, and along the conversation I paused, and I muttered these words ‘….bukan senang nak memikul tanggungjawab, tetapi untuk meninggalkannya mudah sekali….’ Or sumthing similar, I guessed. The makcik and pakcik nodded agreeing.
Kids, life is hard, life is harsh, but never neglect your responsibility, carry it out as sincere as you can, and believe me, you will never have to face the slightest dirt of regret as you proceed in this fragile life, and this bitter harsh of experience that ive gone through wouldn’t had happened if i were more responsible and if u do carry it out to the best of ur limited abilities, I promise u will see the good part, no, the best part life can offer you.
And the first, foremost important responsibility, the charge that I want u guys to sincerely take on and never let a little sense of negligence or any other negative feeling that is often created by the temptations of evil devil which I often regretfully gave in too thus realizing, succeeding their effort to sent Adam’s child accompanying them to be damned in hell is…..your responsibility on your religion, your faith, better said the responsibility as a muslim. And if u held onto dis dearly, then u will automatically know other responsibility by yourself, and carrying it out is no sweat at all, haha.
You see, I NEVER liked the fact im sending anyone here, not because its not a beautiful place, not because it’s not suitable, but the guilt, my conscience are eating me up and as I walk in, as I make my way in and out of the vicinity of the area, I felt overwhelmed with compassion and heard the echoes of my heart being torn apart.

Ever since I was small, my mum, had always taken care of grandpa, me and abang always there to help her, yeah fortunately there was young people to help accomplish the physical needs of my late grandfather, we, the ones with the strength and brawns of young people were able to support my mum in which she lacks the most, the time and physical strength to help my grandfather, Haji Kadir bin Yunus. Remember dis name kids, cos I want u guys to pray for him if u had time, and sedekahkan al fatihah to him too. And never once the idea of sending my grandpa came across my mother's mind.
The condition of the mosque is well taken care of, the bathing room was okay, there are about 6 male occupants and there are 20 female residents from various backgrounds, and different races lived there. As I see their face, looking back at me in perplexed manner, sum of them were looking at me as if hoping I would be one of their relatives to come and visit them, but after realizing im not, the sadness, the loneliness, the feeling of being rejected from their family members, the feeling of as if being left out to die in that place, the feeling of disappointment, grief and sorrow are obviously seen on every small corner of their soulless eyes, empty, as if their naïve, but pure hopes for a better tomorrow is diminished instantly by the great tide of time and limited physical and financial potential, and every glimpse of the pupil share a sad story, open to those who are willing to listen patiently thus my presence there, standing, staring deeply in honoring, and fast stead manner perhaps digs up, maybe not much, but a slight dirt of their broken hearts; the dirt which was once pure and white yet fiery burning expectations they put up for their beloved offspring which is now only dead and rotten, eaten by the sands of time.

Kids, do u know why i wrote this in the first place? If somehow in distant future, dis kind of things came across your mind, and maybe at that time Im no longer able to take care of my own personal things, my hygiene and other stuff, and if u have decided where u will send me, just know about how i felt living in such place, remember this because even no matter whatever the words that came out of my mouth, i did that for the sake of relieving ur burden, and painfully soothing my broken heart, because deep in my conscious mind i pray not to live in such place even for a single day because i believe the place of a father lies with their children and vice versa, not with strangers, especially at the critical time of my lifeline, the few last years of my life on earth, where we need each other, no, where i need you guys the most, and living there is definitely a highlight of my life.

Fortunately he had decided not to go there, which is a relief to me, and i wish he could always found happiness even without me by his side. His time is now, and im doing what i could do even deep in my heart, i admit there are lots more things needed to be improved, but with dis short time, with dis huge amount of reluctance, i wonder if the history will repeat itself? will i see the same thing and feel what it feels like to be in his shoes? right now, there are lots of things going thru my mind, and im praying for lots of things, even i seldom met him, and rarely attend to his crucial needs, or seldom gave him a call, i always pray for the best of you, my father, like I always had.

Monday, July 5, 2010

The Next Step for Upcoming Crossroad

Assalamualaikum w.b.t, its been reaaaly quite sumtime since u last mention sumthing in ur blog here eh Hanafiah? Haha, never mind, ive gotta admit consistency had always not been of ur strengths, but we’ll improve dat aspect later.

Okay, first of all, I’d like to say few things about marriage, why marriage? Its becos its one of the most important phase that I really look forward in life right now, and it seems every effort and decisions I’m making right now is influenced by this non-rhetorical, sacred idea.

Eversince I was a kid, I wish I cud have a big family, so im looking forward to have my own kids, and from now on, these things im writing are for u kids, yeah, seriously. Im writing this to u even before u were born, sebelum azali lagi. I don’t know if u, my beloved children will be reading this, or will I be dead even before I had the chance to get married and have my own child, or whatever the fate had in its store for me, insyaAllah, i will try my best to suck it up, dan redha dgn ketentuan Ilahi. Sesungguhnya setiap yang buruk itu datangnya dari kelemahan dan keburukan kita sendiri, dan kita hanya mampu merancang, tetapi tuhan sahaja yang mampu menentukan.

Well, perhaps u kids cud see this as one of those ‘How I Met Your Mother’ sitcoms except in different, much boring context, haha. But bear dis is mind, I love u from the deep of my heart, and any decision that I’ll make in life is based on securing u a much better, brighter future, InsyaAllah.

Why am I doing this? Why do I write my own blog? Is it bcos I want to express my ideas, my feelings, well, dat may be true, but the main thing is I just wanna make sure u guys, my beloveds know what is going thru to my head, once when im was alive.

Seriusly, im the kind of person who always believes that death can come whenever, wherever it wanted which is an definitely an undeniable truth. The angel of death, is never compassionate, and we cud never delay death even for a second. Everyone have their own dateline to meet God, and we NEVER know when, and before I go, I just wanna make sure that u know that I was once alive, I was once a friend, fighting along u guys in order to overcome one of the hardest obstacles in life, with sweat overflowing and blood pumping with adrenaline thru our thick veins, remember that I was once a colleague that share the same load, the same driving force to accomplish the task given by our superiors, remember me as a teammate, sharing this same sweat and tears of pain and glory on the pitch, a companion that accompany you throughout this amazing, wonderful journey, a loyal citizen who is sworn to protect this country from any evil means; only wish it to be harmony and prosperous that held a better future for u guys to live in, a humble servant who is often lack of consistency and often swayed in fulfilling His orders,  and most importantly im just normal human whu was once alive and breathe the same air as u guys had now, and for all these reminder I have in mind, I wanna say it, I wanna share for I believe that sharing is caring, and contributing to society doesn’t mean it can’t be achieved when we’re no longer in this world. Whu said that u must possess a physical, healthy body to inspire people, to change the world? No, but it's in the spirit, in your burning passion to spread the ideas and ur beliefs is what keeps the fighting on. I may not be influential enough, or had not contributed anything to society yet, dan I may had not taken any actions towards that way, but like I always said, keinginan tu tetap ada, haha.

Life is full of hardships, and I just finished pursuing my degree, and Ive gotta admit, im lost, and I cant see any road or pavement that I can walk on, only uncertainties and ignorance in my mind, but I can see the light far ahead, and what’s more important my beloveds, is that, never afraid of moving forward, and please give it a try, make an effort and give ur best shot, berusaha dan bertawakal, kerana Allah menjanjikan kejayaan kepada mereka yang berusaha, and it’s always never too late to make effort :-)

Right now, im so busy to find a job, and my mind is more occupied with worries of where am I going to spend the next maybe 5-10 years in the future, thus the problem of trying to find your mum is best I put it aside, for now, haha. There are lots of things I wanna accomplish right now, lots of things going thru my head, and lots of possibilities that’s about to happen, and one of my important crossroads throughout my life is about to occur, but insyaAllah I will make thru it in one piece, I love you guys, my beloved, my new found family, the old ones, fellas, all of you, like I always had.