Monday, November 1, 2010

Aint a Fishmonger, But I Just Like Fishes

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah, how's life? Haha, i hope the best for you. I am speechless now, but that doesnt mean im not rooting and praying for your success in life, God bless you my friend.

Assalamualaikum kids? How’s life? Its been quite some time since I last wrote something, but nevermind, maybe ive always babble to you about how  my mind is always occupied with things, well, it seems they still are, haha, and it’ll continue even worse. Trying to be a responsible grown up seems to be really hard compared to my younger days. Heavy thoughts started to bombard my tiny, limited space brain lobes as early as I wake up in the morning. Before I could proceed, there are things I need to clarify, things that I need to tell, that had been in my chest for quite sometime. I wanted to admit that I am full of negativities, there are lots of things that I need to rectify in order for me to be able soaring up the sky alongside the flocks of few good men that ive always wanted to join, which right now it seems impossible because I’m still searching for myself. I wanted to tell how selfish I was, yeah selfish, ikan kering, ikan kembong, pari, all that good stuff u guys like to eat, ahha, okay enough joke. That is just the fact I am, and changing that fact seems to be so hard right now, but I hope with God’s grace, when u guys came I will no longer be the selfish custard I was.

Recently, a person comes knock that hard-to-digest truth and shove it straight up to my face, and I was vomiting with anxiety and nervousness and my self defense mechanism was only the ‘haha’ that I replied via yahoo messenger. Well, that’s obviously one of the positive side having the massive information library or the advance technology of communication so called ‘internet’ at your fingertip, and what they told you about truth, just like its good-for-nothing, son-of-a-gun, lifelong buddies, bff, wtf, ‘love’ or whatever they call it today; ‘love-before-marriage’, ‘unrequited love’ and its close complementing counterpart ‘truth’ hurts, like hell, well that’s kinda overrated, but hell yeah!

I am indeed selfish, and Im sorry, there are lots of examples, lots of things that I had done, lotsa testis…er testimonials from lotsa witness that make up as evidence to all this accusations that I received, and as much as I want to be the cool-bad-ass guy that hot chick had always fallen for, I am indeed NOT. I am lame, weak, a jerk and I admit that but Im trying to change it. Few things that I learned about changes are that it is not as easy as ABC, but its also not impossible. And as person who had always see this as an unofficial challenge, or maybe because its just my ego talking, I really want to prove at least myself that ‘if I manage to change, it will not only benefit me, but also other people as well’. With this mindset, im pushing it forward. I know, I should’ve not done that, being selfish and all but I have to admit that, I do enjoy writing these, not for the sake amusement, but as a lesson for me to steer myself better before making my way into someone’s heart.

And u guys, the pro bono lawyers that will set me free from all these false accusations with your loud, in-the-middle of night cry, with smelly, unwanted dirty diapers, hungry stomach, and annoying-yet-cute curiosity that will make any bar exam seems trivial enough and will make me prove not to anyone but my sorry self that I will not be a selfish person, insyaAllah.

And I seriously don’t know what to say from now on… things are not good lately, im jobless, talking about having you kids seem to be a very distant, impossible dream that I’ll never have, and lots of other things that made me felt very pulled down, thus standing same level with my friends seems to take huge effort and great motivation. If people said I had achieved stability in life, well, i hope what theyre saying is true. I wish us the best in life, and I could only pray things will become all good and we’ll get along again, and with God’s grace I’ll get by somehow, like I’ve always had :-)