Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Back Again

Recently, the tide is diminshing, if life is full of phases, and now is like the phase after the storm had ended. It's time to pick up back the things we lost, try creating even better ones, try to accomplish even more, and dats the phase I'm going thru now.

Suddenly, the sun is back up, and birds started flocking in the sky, and everything seems normal again. Still, the damages couldnt be undone, we can only hope that all these things will be patched up, and everything went back to nomal again, hopefully.

I wish things will be better from now onwards, and I guess I can start planning my future now, haha, like I had always wanted :-)

Monday, November 9, 2009

Then, It's Hard eh?

It's kinda hard eh mengharapkan seseorang mencintai kita seperti mana kita mencintainya, I could only pray like I always had ;-)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Mizuno Wave Run 2009 : The Birth of a Runner

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah? How’s life? Haha, okay eh? Whu wud’ve thought u’d actually run in the Mizuno Wave Run, well, dis is good, dis is good, keep it up. Okay, lets write dis as a reminder for the upcoming days, shall we? Let this event be stored forever as one of our memorabilia.

So, 24th October, it was the day before the big day, before the run, and I was still sleeping when I heard a call, 4 miscalls actually, from Fatin. Yeah, I promised to meet her today, it’s been quite some time since I last saw her, gotta do some, no, actually lots of catching up I guess. It’s time to hear her long-awaited case presentation which turns out to be very shocking and motivational one :-)

I was a lil bit late, but fortunately Sufian was half-awaked, he helped me to go to Wangsa Maju, but before that we swing around Maybank to cash in some required money. When I reach Mid Valley, it was around noon. Tho I had eaten a lil bit earlier, I still went for lunch with her. We swap stories for almost more than an hour; we didn’t watch the movie because there wasn’t any suitable time, and I had one thing to do, that is taking the running vest for my first run tomorrow.

I rushed back home, when it was almost 3.30 p.m. The cab ride back home was about seven bucks, which is totally expensive for a trip which used to be around RM4 or 5, tho I was mumbling about the high pay, the driver could only use the typical excuses, oil price increase and there was never a raise for taxi pays since the last 30 years. Lantak la, I tot, I didn’t give it much tot for I was in a hurry. I went to the toilet and took my Zohor, grabbed the kaki (‘car key’ actually, dis is just lame joke dat I always had with mak since I was small) and Alex Yoong all the way to UPM, haha.

When I reached there, it was around 4.40 p.m., almost 5 o’clock. Damn, I shud’ve checked the net to find the collection location. I was clueless where to find the place I’m supposed to go to take my registration number and running vest. I called the Pacesetter’s Athletics Malaysia twice but nobody picked up, and I called the Mizuno shop where I registered, or another branch I guess and they gave me another number, but by the time I have it, it was already too late, I’ve found the place, the stadium, UPM’s stadium, which is located next to Kajang Silk’s highway.

When I entered UPM from the front, I went to the guard post at the Engineering Faculty, and they told me to take left from the roundabout, turn right when reaching the traffic light and go straight. I followed the instruction but stuck at the ‘go straight’ part. Fortunately I found the cursor, which shows the running route for tomorrow’s event. But somehow I was misled into a dead end, twice. First is because I didn’t notice the cursor to go to left and second I was following into the closed, shut-off gate. I had to reverse and ask the students nearby. Again I had to reverse in front some of the kolej kediaman (I don’t remember what number is it) and dis time I went straight, not following the cursed cursor, haha. I went up the hill and there it is the small stadium, equivalent to Salak Tinggi’s. There was a decoration, banner raised and some setups for finishing line dat’s made from wood. I don’t know what it’s called, but I just wanna run thru dat tomorrow, with awesome, lightning speed, heh, yeah, in my dreams eh? But than again, if I can dream, I can see, I can achieve it!

I parked near the field, there were few others too, who is like me searching for the same thing. We were told that the booth for collecting the running vest was behind the spectators’ building, at the back of the stadium. We went there, and collect our yellowish green running vest, with the registration number that followed by the receipts’ number. Mine was A0242. After that I went back home, preparing, worrying about what will happen tomorrow.

That night, I did some buying, I bought eggs, pack of Yakult, Ginseng Tongkat Ali Power Root Drink, Mentos, and Jojo for my nephew, each had its respective usage for tomorrow. I went to cyber café, then to kedai mamak, after that went straight back home, and go to sleep.

The following day, that is Sunday, 25th October, one of the much anticipated day of my life, at least ever since I started registering, my first attempt running in an event ever since I started running, which is like since after SPM, during Khidmat Negara. Thinking how little distance I go back then surely amused me, compared with now; I’m ready to take up this 11.09 km, or at least I thought I’m ready. Thinking otherwise could only disrupt my mentality, or at least that’s what I thought again.

Before that, last night, after packing all the required things, the number, set aside the vest and the shorts to wear, I reminded Sufian to call me if he went back from lepak around 4 a.m. which he did, and I was awake due to his phone call, but then I continued sleeping, haha. Fatin offered to give me a call to wake me up, but I turned down her generous offer, why? I just didn’t feel like troubling her, that’s all.

So when I woke up that morning, it was 6.30 a.m.! ‘Wei, what the heck?’ I thought. Running will start in less than an hour; but I’m supposed to be there like right now. ‘Semayang pun tak lagi’ I murmured, and go the bathroom, took the ablution, and my Subuh. I didn’t have the chance to pray longer that time, but I prayed that I could finish the run without having to stop, or walk at all.
I grabbed my things, went downstairs, go to the kitchen, saw the egg I bought last night and crack it open into a cup and drank it. Buekk, the taste was less awful than other eggs I had before, but still, its taste sucks. ‘I just need the energy’ that’s what was in my head when I drank that raw egg, yuck.

I went inside the car, and notice my Tongkat Ali drink wasn’t in the bag, I went back to the room, but I couldn’t find it. I decided to just go without it. Like any other typical Malaysian, I also believe that Tongkat Ali as one of the good aphrodisiac to be used, tho in this context, I used it for running, not related with anything sexual. It’s just that I had tried this earlier, and it had shown few effects in my running, I tend to be more focused and more energetic, but the down part is I tend to be more excited and tend to run faster, increase my pace a lot more, but in the end I couldn’t go further due to exhaustion. So, I think I’ll be fine, what matters more if I could get there on time.

I sped up the car, due to rain last night I was more cautions and careful when pressing the accelerator, but still I tried to maintain about 100 km/h or more. Luckily, it was early Sunday, and there aren’t many cars on the Middle Ring Road 2 (MRR2). But at that time, one more factor really disrupted my focus on getting to the destination, which is the fuel capacity. It’s almost empty when I reached Sg. Besi, and I was in dilemma whether to fuel the car first or get to the stadium; and I chose the stadium, haha.

As I reach Kajang Silk, there was a car tried to reverse on the highway, it seems that he wanted to park on the left side of the road, but somehow mistakenly passed through. I didn’t notice the car and when I realized it, I tried to move to the right side because braking didn’t seem to be the best idea, and what’s worst, I didn’t notice the car that’s coming from the back, on the right side of the road. Whoa, it was a close call I’d say, and since I was in a rush, I didn’t had the time to be annoyed. I make a u-turn by the Uniten’s roundabout and park faaaarrr from the stadium. I had to walk quite far, and my car was like the third from the last. I decided to put my backpack, that contains the windbreaker, camera and extra shirt in the car, only took out my mp3 player, and Mentos that I bought last night.

I started walking towards the stadium. Along the way, I saw lotsa people who just like I am, wearing the same running vest. And as I walk, I tried to put on the number on my shirt using safety pins provided. I’m glad I reached there on time, and I took the red band as a sign of registration. Fortunately there wasn’t any much thing to do except waiting for the run to begin. I ran one lap around the stadium in slowly manner, stretch a little bit, look at all the runners who like me, share the same burning passion for running and tried not to be too anxious.

I was very excited looking at all the participants, their shirts, crowd of yellowish vest runners, their running shoes; all this kept me captivated, wow, I was really excited. They all look ready, and determined to finish the run. So I continued stretching, until like few minutes before the run begins. After that, they made an announcement and every participant gathered up front. I started to steer myself in the yet-to-be-sweating crowd, and then the run started.

I ran slowly, reeeaaaallly slow due to large number of participants, haha. We start off from the stadium, and the stadium’s entrance is too small to let out almost 4000 participants, haha, so just imagine how congested it was. As I get out of the school entrance, the route was hilly, but it was short.

The congestion keeps on almost 2-3 km into the running route, after that, there’re some spaces for runners to increase their pace, but still they had to avoid the other runners. A day before, when I was stuck in finding the UPM’s stadium, I had the chance to actually follow the running route, so I kinda get a little idea what it looks like, or how further I have to run. I kept on running, or jogging, at I started saw people taking some rest, some even stopped for nature’s call, or waiting for their friends, or to tie up their laces. These entire scenes only made me wanted to not even stop and push myself further, haha.

So, I continued, and its kinda hard when I came across another long, incline route, but again started to do things, keep myself busy. I started to turn on the music, tho I didn’t actually care what song I was listening to, at that time, I wasn bothered, but other participant’s progress made me.
As I continued, I remembered my days back in Khidmat Negara, I remembered what it feels like to do the exercise EARLY in the chilly, windy morning, haha. And I remembered what we chanted, or something similar, and I make up one and chanted it myself, in my heart, in my mind, like it had always been.

Kita lari,
Kasi kuat ibu kaki

Kita lari,
Apa dalam diri?
Kekuatan yang hakiki

Kita lari,
Sejauh mana kita lari?
Terletak jati diri

Kita lari,
Laju atau perlahan,
Itu tanda kekuatan

Kita lari,
Mari-mari kita lari,
Tinggalkan kesedihan ini

And I continued running.

I felt enjoyed looking at all the runners, yeah, the way they struggle and push themselves, just the same I’m pushing myself, only we had different capabilities, different traits, different motivations and reasons to strive. I often look back as I was running, I know what it felt to be left behind, and I know what it feels like to be in the front, all these are very valuable lesson for me, call it another learning session in life, haha.

So I came to about half way of the run, and there was this water station that gave free drinks to every runner. Haha, I was hesitated whether I should drink it, since I don’t drink cold water. So, I tot its best to let things as it is, and let me proceed the way I am, haha. I continued running with feeling slightly worried that if I didn’t drink, I would be dehydrated, but ‘naah, I I have my mentos’ I thought. ‘This will maintain my glucose level’ but then again, what’s the relation between dehydration and glucose level? Haha, whatever it is, im enjoying this run and try to savor every part I can. It only 11km, I won’t be dehydrated right? Tkpa, lets put that aside, at least for now.

Okay, then, as I came to the last part of the run, that is for me around 1.5 km before the finish line back at the stadium, I felt exhausted, my body started to feel every tiredness, and my stomach felt tight, my hands tried to pump harder, it’s getting hard I thought. But I didn’t give in, I saw people, I saw competitors, and its fun, reeaaaallyy fun to see people pushing their limits, I felt Im pushing too, but I felt like I still had the upper hand, my breathing is still stable, only my stomach felt uneasy, but such feeling is not worth to stop the run, so I continued. Then I can see where the route continues because the runners came thru the same route earlier, so this is the part after running in circles, which is backtracking to the stadium. It was a hill, but it wasn’t that high, but it took toll on my pace, I started to run slowly, and the tiredness felt at my feet; but stil I don’t wanna give in, I tried maintaining the pace, tried to lose as smallest as possible the tempo of my running, which it helped me outpace lots of runners, lots of people who started to jog more slowly, some of them even started to walk, feeling exhausted. I continued, as I reach up the hill, I saw the final hill, the last part of the event. Wow, this is one hell of a hill I thought. It was long, and steep, yeah, I can imagine what it feels like to run up through it for I had came down from that route earlier. Seeing the hill from afar is very de-motivating, I felt ‘alamak, adoi, tk guna betul’ all that kind or similar feelings came across. But then again, it was very inspiring, I continued running, jogging, my tempo was as slow as tortoise, I barely gave in, I barely wanted to walk, but I just cant, its not that far left I thought, it wouldn’t hurt just to continue running, that was what came through my mind.

Finally I was able to climb that hill, in a very, verrryyy slow manner, but what the heck, I thought I could run and outpace other runners since this is like the almost last part of the run, and I was suppose not to be tired because running downhill, but then I felt no energy, my legs didn’t listen to me for some time, fatigue at its limit, its yield point and I’m just glad I didn’t have to climb other hill again. But, for other runners, this is it, this is the time to give it your all out for the finishing line is near, but I cant, I can hopelessly saw other people outrun me, I can only smile at their enthusiasm, smiling thinking that they didn’t run up the hill like I did, but walk over it, and took this downhill side to overtook me, but then life is all about taking opportunities, not any opportunities are suitable to one’s capability. And dis time, I’m incapable for such rewarding, final opportunity.

Few metres before the stadium entrance I started to search some upbeat tempo music. My playlist was so mixed up, so I could only finally make do with Ungu’s Dari Satu Hati. I finally came to the stadium entrance. I saw other people walking out of it, other early finisher runners, each of them holding he orange plastic goody bag. ‘Will I have mine too? What will my number be? Wow, I’m jus glad I finished this, I cant wait to tell mak, Fatin, Sufian, budak2 lain’ is what that came thru my mind.

The upbeat tempo run through my ears, my body, my mind, my feelings, more importantly, it boost up my adrenaline push, and I was pushing myself even further, harder, and faster. So I ran, like hell, and as soon I came to the stadium’s running track, I sped up, and accelerates even further, I was Forest Gump, I was Rock Lee, I don’t know what I was, but then my mind, my body cant deny the fatigue, but the song keep pushing me, and as soon I outrun other participants, one after another, the fatigue decline, my body refused to give up, push, and push, and push. All the incidents, all the bad things dat happened recently came through my mind in that few moments, maybe I need some distractions, maybe I need to put the thoughts of exhaustion my body is feeling at dat time aside. And there it is, the finishing line, the white banner they built, and the finishing line is there, as I came near I realize I’m no longer a loser, I can run further now, I can move on now , I can go further, and now, the sky’s the limit, and there, it ends. The attendees looked at my registration number, A0242, and gave me a white card, A312; that’s my number, I got the 312th place in group A which is category for men above 15years old until 51, out of 4000 applications. In aviation, the number A312 could be derived as the extension modified model no for Airbus A310, mine was A312, haha. I couldn’t helped but smile, wahh, but with this pain and exhaustion all over my body, smiling could be very tiresome job, but I don’t give a damn, I wanna smile, I’ve done it, I’ve did it, I had finish the 11.09 km run to be exact, and I’m very glad, I never had such achievement before, and I wanna keep on smiling, haha, yeah!


I saw other participants, all with the white card in their hands, lining up to take their goody bag, but none of them smiled, or laughed, all of them were exhausted, but then again what u’d expect? We’re amateurs, we’re not Olympians, we’re no Usain Bolt, we are just some people who had deep passion for running, only in my case, my passion was overwhelming that it shows on my face, haha. I line up, and took the bag, it was a long line, but I didn’t mind, I took that time to recover, and as soon I get the bag I checked out its content.
In the bag, it contains a can of Revive, a small bottle of mineral water, a consolidation medal, a certificate, and other sponsors’ products samples. I was very glad, looking at the medal, and the certificate, but whats more important are the drinks, I took the mineral water as I tried to find my way a better place to sit, to relax, and observe other people while in the process of rejuvenating myself.

So I sat at the drain nearby, yeah, I’m always attracted to the drain, I don’t know why, maybe its ledge serve a better position for sitting, haha. Wow, it was very tiring, but it was fun, I really wanna do it again, the sense of accomplishment I had was amazing, and I hope next time I could train myself better, I also hope that this event serve as my starting point, my beginning to all the run I’ll enter, or other good things in life.

After that, I went back to the car, took my backpack, my camera, put the goody bag away in the car, and went back to the stadium. With the camera in my sweaty hands, I snapped, and continue doing another passionate hobby that I took up recently. I saw people, I saw sweaty people, running and walking in and out of the stadium, people lining up for free drinks and watermelon, tho I had none, I didn’t quite understand why they gave it, and people sitting like I was just now with overwhelming fatigue. Well, either way, I was very glad, I just was ;-)



The only spoiler dat morning was dat i had a stomachache on my way back to the car, which was very hard for me since I had to walk like 1 km to reach the car. And as soon I'm in it, I rushed to UPM's Petronas, near its entrance. After doing the nature's call, haha, I refueled my car and went straight to Pak Itam's house, took the cake mom asked me to, and sent it to Uncle Ismet's house, only after, around noon that I reach back home, yey!

There are few metaphors when I entered this running event. First, I had always run, but I don’t know how good, or how far can I go, thus this is a good choice to show my capabilities, to show how far I’ve come, to see how good I am. Second, it was to keep my mind occupied, to keep myself busy with all the hardship I’ve gone through, with my best friend’s stuff and other domestic problems, furthermore, when I submit the entry form for this event, my mind was really messed up, and I cant find other way other than tikar sejadah, or religious methods, and my other options was only running. Yeah, running keeps my mind occupied, and ever since that moment, I took up running at night quite regularly. Yeah, it’s a little bit dangerous (sorry la eh Fatin), and dark, but being a nocturnal runner reminds me of one thing, and every time I ran during the moon shines brightly, I felt myself aware of DEATH, astaga. So, running served me lots of purposes, and I wanna keep on running, so that I’ll be reminded, and not forget all the excited feelings I had, so that I can outpace the stigmas or other bad experiences, and outrun my lowly, pathetic self, and I know also by running, that I’m working my ass off to make myself better, and more deserving.

This shoe had always been a great friend of mine, a great friend dat walks the same path dat I had taken, it felt all my sorrow, my burning passion, my sweat and tears, my fears in the night, and everything. It had taken me very far, and for dat Acuna, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Well, this is life, and if life is a wheel like they had always said, well, then this just something we had to deal, some dirt we had to get stuck with and hope that the dirt will pulled off and again we will feel the breezy, cool air as we go up in life. Hanafiah, I wish u well in life, and for you, my beloved friends, or someone who sumhow manage to get urself into this boring page, I pray and wish you the best in life, and hopefully we all will become a better person, and able to contribute maybe not much, but a little bit of something to the society; how much? Well, it’s only an answer you can determine it yourself. God bless you guys, like I had always wished ;-)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

In Search for Neon with Only Accompanied by a Single White Line

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah, how life been treating u recently? Okay? Feeling much better? How was your rashes? Demam lagi? Hopefully not, hopefully not for any of you guys either, my beloved friends.

haha, I ges I gotta thank En Malek, our FYP coordinator for pushing us, for making us occupied with doing the project which even tho a pain in our ass, but still, it definitely bring us lots of benefits, haha.

Em, today I ran again, during night. It was quite sometime, maybe like 2-3 days I was unable to run due to lots of reasons, open house mostly. Yesterday I went to Saidah's sister's open house, then to Bang Icam's house. I ate a LOT, haha. Those plates of kambing meat had definitely taken its toll on my run just now. I need to get back on shape, need to strengthen my core, for next week is the big day, my first attempt to run in an official race.

I hope dat I could complete the 11km Mizuno Wave Run, i wish I could finish it without having to walk at all during the course.

Yeah, tonight, just now, I ran again, it was short, i didnt manage to go far like I used to, but I was able to run until Shell, which is a good warming up. I hope this will improve later on.

I ran, as I went near the stadium, it was dark, the neon lights were OUT!! Ohhh, c'mon man, i really need the lamp to work, 'c'mon, not when I'm using the street!' I murmured. i really wish dat the lamp post would turn on back as I pass by, but then again my pure wish were turned down. Life is always like dat, u can never expect things to turn your way, what you plan today could turn catastrophic next morning, but like a runner in the middle of rain, we could only pray, we could only wish dat the wind would blew the cold, dark, heavy rain clouds away and sunshine took place, but like I said, we could only pray when things didnt turn our way.

I ran, pushing myself, feeling every bit of pain in my body, my mind was away about tomorrow's FYP presentation, mys slides arent fully ready,what was I thinking running now, but then again, its not like I'll finish it up, so I might as well jog now.

I ran, until that petrol station, i stopped, and grasping for air. Pathetically, from that point onwards, I walked beck home, it wasnt pretty much I wanted. I went back thru the dark route. Wow, dis time it reeeaaaalllly is dark, damn, i thought.

I continue jogging slowly, but I can't see anything, the moon wasnt on my side tonight, nor the stars are shyly fading into the dark sky, and I was alone, like always. Wait, arent we all like dat, alone? We came to this world alone, and we'll die leaving it alone too. Somewhere along the process we definitely will be alone too, so technically, being alone in the dark is part of us human beings, no part of everything in this world. But still, i wish you'll never be able to feel such unwanted feeling again, the hollow, and coldness that covers, and accompanied the sorrow of being alone sucks alot, it sucks alot that sometimes it hurts even more that the sharpness of a blade, or maybe in a modern work nowadays where technology is getting more advance and technical, even more lethal than the grenades or weapon of mass destruction. Haha, okay, dat may be a lil bit overboard, but still, being alone hurts.

It was dark, and pitch black. No one was around, and I was about to wonder aimlessly. But, like every cloud dat has its silver lining, every road has its white lining too, haha. With the white light that I barely saw, I follow it thru, and tried to watch up front few times between, in case there's a vehicle coming from the front. I was glad, with this single line, I follow it along the way. This single line, it reaaallly meant a lot. I was glad.

Tho the night was cold, tho I was alone, i didnt hope for someone to be there with me, I didnt expect you to be with me and sit this thru, I just didnt. I just wish there neither, that no one, not a single person will suffer such feeling again.

Life is full of dark moments, with the unwanted pitch blacks that overwhelms us during our downfall, during recession, or when we failed our exams or just when things didnt turned our way, but lets remember this every time we stumble across such moments, lets remember that every dark road has its white lining to guide us out of the pitch black of miseries, downfall and sorrow. Just follow it, the line dat God had created beautifully for us, the line that had been set up to help us human, His beloved slaves whom pathetically often turn away from Him during our good moments. Follow dis my friend, and you'll find the ray of neon lights soon enough.

Dont you think dat its such a wonderful feeling, to be given directions and able to find your way out even with GPS, or satellite radar, or any break-thru advance technology like the westerners had always proud of? Dont you think dis is wonderful and how great God's love to His slaves? Well, I think it's great.

I may be alone, but I'm not, I am not pious (but I'll try) and i had my running, and hopefully God will watch me running safely back home. I hoped, dat I and any of my friends will never be traumatized by such stigmas again, never had to feel the sharpness of the blade called sorrow dat cuts even the hardest of men into pieces or ever succumb into the darkness of being alone ever again, I pray for the best of you guys, for the best of myself too, like I had always wished ;-)

Friday, October 16, 2009

Izinkan Aku Berlari Meninggalkan Mu

Wah Wei Hanafiah, c’mon dow, u can do this, u can this pull this off, c’mon!! Okay, that was a lil bit a heck of an intro eh? Well, I like such intro tho, it helps me to keep up to the reader’s expectation, that is my future self, haha.

Recently, I realize that being busy is some sort of gift too, it helps you to put unwanted things aside, or at least you’ll be too busy to be bothered with it. Oh, the only thing I held on dearly recently is running. I tried every day to jog, to at least sweat a few rounds around the stadium, thanks to her, my best friend I had started take up running during night.

But then again, it didn’t stop there. Now I felt like jogging at each route I see. Whenever I was driving, I saw certain road, I’ll feel like stopping, put on my worn out shoes, and run against the flow of traffic, against the flow of life, against sharp edges of society’s stereotypical negative perspective, accompanied with the loud playback of certain artist whom their music inspires me and its lyrics; like a warcry , pushing, enrage, and increase the burning passion and motivation to keep on going, keep on moving, and hopefully as I went thru dat route, not only I find satisfaction, joy, or any some of salty sweat overflowing from my face, but with God’s grace may I find a better conclusion, a better way to sort things out, a fresh mind to think properly.

I don’t know how many times I’ve wrote abt this thing, abt what I felt when I run, it’s just that, maybe now running is all I can write about. It sucks sometimes, but, hey, I got something kan? This is after all trivial matters, is not like the world crisis or the world war to get my head so worked up. But then again, people had mind, but they had feelings too; the body isn’t only made up of brain, there’s also heart. And triviality of certain problems, the worriness, it vary between people, u can never feel exactly what it feels like on the other side of the shoe if you’re two different person, but opening up and sharing, it helps reducing the burden, so mystical yet simple.

Sesungguhnya sesudah setiap kesukaran, ada kemudahan.

Bear that in mind my friend, and may you’ll find your definition of success, may you’ll overcome any obstacles with great spirit .

Thank you friend, thanks for everything.

Izinkan aku berlari meninggalkan mu. Like I’ve always had wished ;-)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

On the Verge of Friendship and Love

Sometimes there will be times when you're on the verge of something important, something so deep, and complicated, hard-to-define, not easy-to-digest matter, for example, to choose between friendship and your love life. Well, not that my love life would’ve won either, it had always not been, hopefully not always will.

So, if somehow u're stuck in this dilemma, and trying to figure your way out, its best to ask yourself, not your heart, but your wonderful, God-given, most complex and unique, identical to urself and urself only, which is your brain, subhanallah.

Sometimes again when you really love...no, let’s use somethin' less tragic than ‘love’, how about ‘like’? Yeah, when you really like someone, there are lotsa indications, and signs that showed, but only fools would deny it, and ironically, this stupidity came from the author himself, maybe he wrote this as some sort of diary or a reminder of his foolish ignorance.

Maybe the reason he had been a fool is because he didn’t realize his true feelings, maybe he had been denying it because he didn’t expect such feelings to occur, or perhaps previous experiences was painful, that made him tried to be more careful and to actually go straight for someone he really like wasn’t seem like the wisest idea. He was a fool because he choose to be clever, to wait-and-see, until one day, with lightning speed someone grabbed the precious gem away, right in front of him, and a smack right on his face; and now regretting seems pointless for if this is a some sort of detention, resistance is futile. But then, to fall in love, to like someone, is not about being wise, it’s not to hide any tricks up your sleeves or putting your best trump card forward, tho the outside nature of love or such feeling tend to be game-like, but the deep, pure core essence of heart is not, it is love, and full of wonderful feelings and excitement; and feelings aren’t meant to be played, aren’t meant to be toyed, aren’t meant to be suppressed or cast aside.

So, when you're stuck between friendship and love, first thing I think anyone should do is to clear their mind, spit their hidden feelings out, let the respective person know about it, for letting them know such matter is not an embarrassing situation, it may be awkward, but not as awkward as trying to get into some serious relationship out of thin air. When the bond of friendship is held tight, there’s always a possibility for a mutual feelings to occur. But still, life is not easy, it never will, so be prepared for the worst. Thus, when you confessed, there's always the friendship to back you up, to support you. And this is what makes it more interesting, secure yet it could be the hardest to forget. Meaning, you may be digging your own grave, and with a slight chance you'll rise and shine again. And believe me my friend, you’ll never again be the same person you are before.

So, if the time has come for you to confess, for your big break, for your mind is already set, only then you could let your co-pilot a.k.a. your heart to take over. Take actions, make effort, and say it, say the words with all your heart, let your bottled up feelings, unknown source of stress, the sudden undiagnosable, uncertain pace of your breathing out, and put your sleepless night to an end, for it is a good thing and accept the answer with all the might your heart can take. With dat my friend, with that, I hope that happiness will always smile on your side ;-)

Again, like most of my previous post, or any of my stupid actions in life, I don’t know why I did it, what made me to instigate such idiocy, yet as dumb as it may be, I didn’t regret it either. Like this piece of my mind I’m writing.

The few things that makes a man that recover from a heartbreak with his best friend much better than other normal crush is…Seriously, I don’t really think I’m qualified enough to write this matter, for I’m still trying my best to recover. But, I’ll try to write some insights of what I felt, theoretically dat is.

Okay, continue. Though this kind of situation is much more complicated and hard to overcome with when you compared to other heartbreak, there are lotsa positive aspects, a motivational and inspiring one, with God’s grace you’ll become a better person.

First, she is your best friend, the person u’d tell all your secrets to, and somehow along the way, you tend to want to know more, know how she felt, what she went thru today, her views on certain problems, your problems mostly, and once you been quite get used to it, stopping seems the hardest thing to do. Me? I’m still rehabilitating. But to know that you are fully okay from this first aspect doesn’t mean that you’ll stop contacting her, it’s enough that you’re able to draw some limit, some distance. And when you achieve that, you’ll know that you’re ready, ready to embark a new ocean of relationship with new crew of attitude, and with a new ship of confidence. Hopefully your guilty thoughts for her will lost like the pearl at the bottom of the ocean, lost in time, untraceable, only a piece of memory as a reminder.

Second, she is your best friend, again. Yeah, dis shows that to like your best friend is a good thing. One of the few taglines I often watch from movies was ‘I’d rather have you as a friend than not having you in my life at all’. You see, the truth is, whenever the bond of friendship had grow on stronger each day, you’ll see how trivial dis matter is, and dats why such feelings cant be suppressed, yeah, rejection hurts, it sucks a lot, but still, like I said, it made you stronger, and if the bond is strong, if the foundation was well built on the ground of pure friendship, love and respect, you will realize that the blade of sadness and hammer of sorrow are not sharp enough even to cut the smallest part, not even producing the slightest damage to you, and your integrity only become better. And, can’t u see that to be able to keep in touch after such awkward, embarrassing situation is already a blessing in disguise? Well, be thankful for she’s still there, maybe not all of it, but she’s still there, to guide and support you, as a friend. Yeah, it may be a huge letdown but this is life, not everything we plan in life will turn out to be the way we wanted, but then again, fate had always a better plan, and just bear dis in mind whenever you came across similar situations; that every cloud do has its silver lining.

And hopefully with dis things in mind, I hope u’ll succeed my friend, yes you, the reader who choose to spend some of your quality time when you could read other better knowledgeable material but instead you choose reading dis piece of crap, this piece of my mind, this huuuge piece of my heart, and for that, I thank you, and I pray that with God’s grace your love life, no, all aspects of your living quality will be a success, a tremendous one, hopefully, like I had always pray :-)

The Emptiest Raya I Ever Had

Assalamualaikum? Hai, Hanafiah, how’s life? How’s raya? I guess dis raya is not much worth of a celebrating eh? With all the problems around you, it made dis year’s raya kinda short, empty and meaningless, but maybe the mmost memorable by far.

Okay, like usual, few days before raya, I was tossing back and forth on the bed, being restless thinking about whatever I was thinking, about my problem, anyone’s problems, and my brother’s problem. All these stuffs get into my head, unstoppable, uncontrollable like the water flowing in the river. But neither nevertheless, all dis problems aren’t something that I can deal with, nor it’s my problem to deal with, nor that I’ve any way to solve it or perhaps it’s unsolvable only time could tell when.

So, I decided to make myself busy, with all the trivial stuff I can find, and the first thing dat I saw as I went down the stairs, the wall on the right side. This wall is full of high esthetical value graffiti, created by the most artistic graffiti painter anyone could find in the history of graffiti that is Danial Iman and his other dark sidekick, Amirul Iman, who are both my nephews.

I decided to paint the wall, and when I went outside, I saw dat old, rusty, small gate, with broken plastic letter box. I think its time to change, maybe I cant change it completely, but at least I can paint it, at least that will keep it going through during this festive season, or these hard times. I think I can do it, it’s easy I tot. Yeah it was, a little bit. After buying all the required tools, I started painting with the wall first. What made the process harder was not the procedures itself but the hardships that came from the cranky masterpiece creator, my both beloved nieces, maybe this was just some sort of test, a fasting test dat is. Iman was sulking when I scold him to take his bath and the true masterpiece creator, who is just about to rise, Fatihah Iman, the true hidden mastermind of the graffiti creation, also decided to take actions into her own small hands, haha.

Well, I finished with painting the wall, but still my mind, my heart wasn’t finished, it wasn’t completed. I don’t know what are the relevance or relation between painting the wall, the gate, and what I felt dis raya. Dis mixed up feelings; maybe it’s just that I need to ‘repaint’ my feelings back? But for now I just know I need work, I need to become busy, like other previous moments, I need my mind occupied but not with trivial matters, but things that are noticeable, that will make people at least stop and say ‘hey, it has changed, it has improved’ like those sort of things. But then again I was staring, waiting for the phone to buzz, but it didn’t. It just didn’t. Maybe it was the same on the other side of the phone, other side of the line dat is, or maybe, I was clapping single-handedly.

The next day, I painted the gate with its original color, the darkest color anyone could find in one’s heart, black. Before painting, I scrape off the dirt or any rusty part that had chipped out and wipe it with a cloth to clean off the dust or any small unwanted particles that could disrupt the painting process. After fully finished painting the following day, I went to buy the new post box, dis time it’s aluminum, not plastic. I hanged it on the gate, tied it with a string, and painted the house number, ‘306’, on the red box.

Then I rushed and prepared myself to balik kampong. I was in a hurry, but its normal to forget sometimes even the most important, crucial things when you’re rushing. As I went thru the Sg Besi toll, few kilometers after dat I remembered I had forgot to bring my baju melayu along. Damn, adoi, astaga, how could I forget? Then I told mom, and we went back to Melawati by following the UPM Serdang exit.

Well, I just hope this is the end of all this misfortunes, like i had always wished ;-)

To Overcome One's Pathetic Love Life; The Curious Case of Hanafiah Al Adiyat

Okay, haha, what the heck eh with the title, lantak la eh kan Hanafiah. I guess the main reason I put up such title was because of my final year project, it sucks....not, alhamdulillah, we're a lil bit late behind schedule, but we'll keep up, insyaAllah.


Love is blind, or so they said. Unrequited ones are like a self destructing bomb, waiting to detonate, tho it didnt usually starts an explosion, sometimes it triggers something good, something positive, a beginning of an evolution, a mutation in DNA, way of thinking and the body of the person himself, and in Hanafiah's case it evolved to an unknown species.

Before we could proceed, lets review the subject, that is Hanafiah. He's a person, an unknown one, people around him would describe him as eccentric, weird, and he's usually the target of their aggressive jokes, tho he didnt really mind. He had a pathetic love life and this is how he overcome it.

Literature Review

Since we're all diferent person, we all have different interests. Some people had their own way of dealing with this kind of problem. Certain people they ate, not only for living, or vice versa which we should not, but they also ate to forget these bad memories, some people they cried or shouted their heart out. While shouting is also a method, it usually accompanied with loud tones of music, simply said, karaoke a portmanteau of the Japanese words kara and okesutora which could derive as 'empty orchestra'. Some people prefer to be more useful and extract the energy from the sadness doing exercises and stuff, which is very good, a positive way to deal with stress, like one wouldve said, like I wouldve said.  So, in Hanafiah's case, he took up karaoke, running, and his favourite past time, (sfx on : Hanafiah made the tackle, it's not fouled, he tapped the ball, he flicked it, made a one-two, tap it past the defenders, dribble past the keeper and he SCOOOORRRRRREEEEEDDDDD, GOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!!) football..


In this mamat's case, Hanafiah had use THREE+ONE method. Okay, I'm done blabbering, next time I'll continue, if I ever ffel like doing so.

Friday, September 4, 2009

So, We Guys arent Much Different eh?

Haha, i dont know why I bother writing this, or any or my previous posts either, well Hanafiah, u're one bored person eh? Well, at least this is one of the best way to keep ur mind occupiedo rite?

So it was Monday, the 1st September 2009, the only year I felt that celebrating the Independence Day is not like any previous years; where it's usually full of Malaysian colors, cars with the national flag, the Sudirman's song can be heard anywhere, and the urge that people wanted to go to Klcc to watch the fireworks. But still, it's one of the nights I wished to remember.

That evening, around 3 p.m., I called dad, saying I cant come, I cant meet him. He had always wait, and waiting another day wouldnt hurt, i thought, hopefully. By 6 o clock I'm all set up to break fast, at SS2, God knows where dat place is for I rarely travel to dat side of this country, or any other part than Sepang and Wangsa Maju.

We went to Murni, but the restaurant was closed, so, feeling disappointed and hungry, furthermore the azan's Maghrib is almost near, we decided to go to William's, I dunt know how they got dat name, it's nothing exquisite and it's kinda pricey, but the food's worth it. I ordered spaghetti meatball, red sauce er.toamto sauce while Sufian had the cheese version, well, both of them are nice. Kaia, on the other hand was feeling unwell, with his stomachache. Ironically he was complaining about how hungry he was earlier.

Then we had our Maghrib prayer at the nearby Petronas station, I guess this was like my second time here, and we went to the Curve after. At first I was kinda reluctant to sing, wow, but undeniably, singing had always been one of my dark, hidden passion, haha. We paid 20 bucks, went into the karaoke box, and choose few songs. I let them have a run 1st, trying to pick up the mood I'd say.

Some of the sons we sang that night was
Salem-Trilogy Cinta
Seventeen-S'lalu Mengalah
Faizal Tahir-Sampai Syurga
Hattan-Memburu Cinta
Amuk-Untukmu Sayang
Spider-Mungkinkah Terjadi, Laukku Cukup Masin
Mariah Carey-Always be My Baby
Back Street Boys-I Want it That Way
Awie-Tragedi Oktober

When the time's up, it's already 10.15, or something. We went out from that building, Hafiz and Sufian grabbed something to drink, while Kaia and Teng swaited outside. Later we made our way to Sports Planet Ampang, along the way, there's few songs dat was also very er...disturbing, coincidental with my situation like James Morrison and Taylor Swift-You Belong with Me. Sufian said there may be too many people, but fortunately I was able to play. I had a good run out, no Sufian asked if I had a good run out and I thought I did, running back when counterattacked, sliding mamat dat thinks he's too skillful, kerja asyik nk tap2 je, body few players, did sum accurate pass dan skil zidane,  the adrenaline keeps on pumping, but still I considered the way I played dat night was kinda rough, it wasnt like me at all, it seems I was aggressive but stressed with sumthing else, with sumone else, but then again, I enjoyed the game, I really did. From dat game, I concluded I wanna use my body in every gameplay, making it an advantage for me, like Adam had always advised.

Then we went lepak, like usual. Kaia had a fever, and job test the following day, hopefully he'll manage. When we arrived, he slept in the car for sometime, and join us like few minutes later. It was already 1.30 o'clock and we decided to send Zhafril back to uia, he was complaining about the guard named Shukri, or Syukri? God knows what he's real name is. We send him not to the front gate, but to a nearby fence at the traffic light. He climbed the fence, and with his small body he made a leap, and vanish into the darkness.

I reached home around 2 a.m. and took my prayer. I pray terawih too, it's the only thing I can do now, the only way for me to express my real feelings to the Most Gracious.I ended up that night with few recites from the Quran. Again, these are the only things I'm capable of doing right now, i cant see any other way to sooth my heart, and for unknown, mystical, religiously reason, it really was kinda soothing. i felt more relaxed, and focused.

I slept for about an hour, before sending mak to S.Alam that morning. Tho I was very sleepy, I cant seem to bring to let her have the wheel. I reached college around 8.45 a.m., barely fortunate. Later, like usual, i was sleeping during the class session, but not along the session, maybe 30-40% of it? Haha, not the proudest moment I'd say. Then I went to the library, checking out the net and went to student centre. It was 10.30 a.m. or something and nobody was around in the Saidina Ali. I slept and waked up few times because someone turn on the fan and it was very...very cold, that I had to wear my jacket and change positions before continuing sleeping.

After Zohor, i recite few pages and find the nearest collumn, the less fan affected area and sleep again, haha. When I waked up it was already 2.45 p.m, 'damn, my class' and I saw 5 miscalls from Aqwa and a message from Qeba. I wantd to rush back to the class, but my feet was kinda numb, so I took some sweet time going back.

En. Andek was standing behind ther door, hiding, but it's not like I cant feel his presence. He said
"So, apa hukuman kita nak bagi kat dia ni?"

"Suruh dia nyanyi lagu Spider" someone interjected, Anura maybe.

I pretend to be blur, well I guees I really was and i tried to express reluctancy.
"Takpa la, kamu boleh duduk" he said smiling.

I was relieved, I dunt really need a moment of singing when I had almost use up my voice in the car this morning and last night during that karaoke.

I tried to focus in the class, since I felt really guilty for coming late, plus En Andek is a really good and interactive lecturer, plus I was copying the slides, so I dunt really hve time to doze off again. After class, again i went to Saidina Ali, took prayer and went straight to Ampang. The heavy traffic made me reach there around 7 p.m.I went to dad's house, like usual, he was alone, and like my heart, he was lonely too, I guess.

He lead me to this mamak stall nearby, the food was okay, the ane or mamak asked who am I in relating with my father. He assumed I'm his grandchild, I could only laugh and asked him how long my father had come to the shop. I had some nasi beriani, while he had the whiter version. We both ate chicken, we both ate quite comot, somehow it made me felt most people wud've said 'like father, like son'. I asked him about running, about jogging. He likes jogging too, like me. I guess it runs in the family that we are both runners, heh.

Then I told him about my story, that story, about her. He easily said
"Dont worry, u stil have lots more time to search, u're just 22, u still young and have lots more time. Just focus on getting your degree first"

"Em, you're right dad" I agreed. It's funny with such  little words from my old man, it can be very convincing and soothing.  But then I replied
"But Ive been friends with her for a long time, and i only realized it after she's gone..."

"Dont worry, u'll have lots of time"

"Okay" I said. "But I definitely want a doctor as my wife," I continued firmly.

"Thats good, so now focus on your studies first, and get a real job, u'll find someone else better"

"Hopefully la ayah, hopefully" I said and continued eating.
I sent him back home later. Before sending him back, I went to pay the bills, about RM16.40 or like that, the storekeeper asked about my name, I replied "Hanafiah" and he said "bagus lah, bagus lah" tho he didnt explained why.

I went back to Melawati, took my prayer a.s.a.p. before it's almost Isya', but I was late because I went to Al Ikhsan Ampang first. Then, I rushed to surau, I did extra that night, i don't know why, but still i skipped the witir. Like usual, I checked my phone as i E, I really wished she texted, but then I could only wish, I've gotta get used to these things, I thought again. Arggh, why was she the only one in my mind, why cant I focussed on something else? But then my mood for other things had been disrupted, I didnt watch tv, this thing had taken its toll on my interests, football matches, video games, study, I can barely concentrate in my prayers, and I cant sleep well.

Astagfirullah al Azim, astaga, astaga, i didnt know how many times i muttered that word, repeating it only to find myself to be reminded of her again. This is crazy, i've gotta move on, I thought. I didnt want to become obsessed. But then i saw the cap, the nicholas sparks' novel, and this thing keeps on worsening.

This had been going for almost since she was gone, since she rejected me. I came to a conclusion, since I can barely sleep, I might as well jog, or run, to make myself tired so that my mind would no longer think of her. Plus it's ramadhan, so its a gud thing, and I ever since dat day, i started become a nocturnal runner, with the thoughts of her and loud songs playback that accompanied my cold, windy night run.

That night I jog the normal route, except this time there was a dog attacking me, since i the songs were too loud, I didnt noticed it earlier. Fortunately that the dog only tried to scare me, and it didnt bite me, but still, my running tempo was disturbed, damn. I continued jogging, continue making myself tired hoping i wud sleep and didt ever have to think of her. but as I ran, as i increas my pace, she came into my thoughts, and i pushed myself further again. But I was glad, i really need these pain and tiredness to forget her.

The few things I really like about running, tho most people would observe me in a weird manner, is that I felt really healthy, I felt normal, alive and kicking again. It feels like I've endure something, and I've made my way to become stronger. With my condition and situation I'm into right now, the only thing I could do is run,and run and run again until exhaustion took over my mind. And most of the time, i felt more sane tahn insane, more focussed, and I can conclude better.

That night, after finishing my run, I concluded that I would stil become friends with her despite all the advice I received from people to stay away from her. I wanna be friends, and I dont wanna stay away from her, I didnt wan to throw away my friendship that I've built just because of some man took her away. She's still there, just unreachable.

I prayed again.

Ya Allah, ya tuhanku,
Sekiranya telah ditakdirkan bukan dia untuk diriku,
Sekiranya telah Engkau caturkan dia bukan milikku,
Cukuplah aku menyayanginya hanya sebagai seorang kawan, seorang sahabat,
Dan lupuskanlah dia dari sanubariku,
Dari pandangan mata hatiku,
Dan tutupkanlah pintu hatiku terhadap dia,
Seperti mana dia menutup pintu hatinya terhadapku,
Dan bukalah pintu hatiku terhadap orang lain,
Seperti mana dia membuka pintu hatinya terhadap lelaki itu,
Semoga dia berbahagia dan dijauhkan dari segala malapetaka dan kesedihan,
Aku hamba Mu yang hina Ya Allah,
dan tidak layak aku membahagiakan dia seperti lelaki itu,
berikanlah aku kekuatan,
untuk mengorak langkah dan hilangkan rasa ini dari hatiku,
dan jadikanlah aku seorang lelaki yang beriman dan tinggikanlah darjatku,
sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa, wahai Tuhan sekalian alam.
Amin ya rabbal aalamin.

After that, I went back straight to Salak Tinggi. That's the end of it, hopefully. Tonight, no, this morning I will run again and went for sahur, hopefully everything will be normal again, insyaAllah, like I've always had wanted.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dalam Setiap Helai Nafas Mu

Sheila On 7-Tunjukkan Padaku

Tenangkan resahku saat langkahku terasa berat
Teduhkan jiwaku saat matahari bersinar terlalu pijar
Kerana dirimu satu-satu yang kuandalkan
Saat diriku tak mampu berdiri di sini sendiri

Ceritakan Sayang
Hari-hari yang telah kau lalui
Katakanlah Sayang
Semua hal yang kau benci dari diriku

Cobalah, cobalah
Untuk mengerti keadaan ini
Aku rapuh saat kau tinggalkan

Tunjukkan padaku
Kau selalu mencintaiku
Jadilah pelindung bagi sayapku
Aku berjanji, aku berjanji
Selalu menemani langkah mu
Dalam setiap helai nafas mu

Bangunkan tidurku
Bila kau terjaga lebih dulu
Dan bertegaslah sayang kita isi makna
Indahnya hari ini  

Tunjukkan padaku
Kau selalu mencintaiku
Jadilah pelindung bagi sayapku

Aku berjanji, aku berjanji
Selalu menemani langkah mu
Dalam setiap helai nafas mu

Recent Life...After the Tide had Diminshed

Em...salam, haha, so how's life eh my friend? yeah, again it sucks eh to to see her go, but dats just life, and the pain you're feeling rite now shows that u're just human, and how wonderful God is to create such thing as hard, tough yet fragile like the human heart.

Yesterday, I had started to move on, they used to say the first cut is the deepest, yet, i felt this one stronger, I felt more pain from this one, hopefully it'll recover soon enough. So, yesterday, En Andek was teaching sumthing about the usage of vernier caliper and stuff. Usually we had to copy all the notes but due to insufficiency of projectors (teruk btul miat ni kan? duit bnyk projektor takde lak) we got the copy of the notes, since he had to print out, the class started late.

After it was like...3.30 p.m. he came in and started teaching. I was still texting her and she also complained the same, her lecturer was late and he CANCELLED the class, haha, I felt sorry for her tho, and amused, ironic too, due to the fact I felt she's so close to me yet, she's so far away beyond my reach. And I realized I felt too many things that time.

I was staring into space, En. Andek's face to be exact. I stared him for quite some time, my mind was blank, I didnt hear nor understand any word he's saying. Ionly saw his face, but my mind was somewhere else, about something else.

Suddenly he said "Hanafiah? Hanafiah? Kamu okay ke? Kamu pandang saya ni macam nak terkam saya ni, kamu okay ke?"

"Tak...tak ada apa2. Saya okay" I wished.

"Ke kamu ada nk mandrum saya ni?" he joked. I only smiled and assure him that i'm fine.

After the laughter had ease down, the class went on like usual. I wished my life could went on like usual too. Later that evening, I went for a jog at the stadium, even though it was fasting, I didnt seem to be tired, and maybe feeling excited from the music, I pushed myself again, or maybe I just need to concentrate on something else rite now. After that, I stopped by the hill and take some shots, the scenary that I had always loved so much.
Wow, it really sucks eh? No, not the laughter, it sucks to remember someone who will never be yours. I remembered in one of her messages how she wished that I and his boyfriend will become pals, I only replied that we could, tho I'm not certain with that possibility. I also said that when I have a wife, we'll come to her house and have a chit chat with his husband, She replied that I see in the future too far, well...it's true enough, and when the future doesnt turn out like what you're expecting, then I could only pray for the best.

That night, ater back from Terawih, I continued texting her again, yeah, texting her is like a taking drugs, i need to, i have to, i'm addicted to it, but it's painful and I cant bear the consequences. The urge, the contradiction in me is eating me up. So I ran again that night, the morning of 26 August 2009 to be exact.

It was half an hour past midnite, and I tied up my shoe lace, put on the white, fake Adidas windbreaker that I brought from Danau Kota, I've been using it for quite some time now, and tho as much as I enjoy wearing it, i realize it attracts people too, which is good for it's for safety whenever I jog at night, i need for people, drivers to notice that I'm there. The only bad thing I fel was that whenever I ran wearing this thing, I always ran with a hole in my chest, and my heart's cold, not from the night, but from the fact that I had to leave a part of my body behind.

I continued running down the hill, it was dark, only the glimpse of neon lights that accompanied me. Whenever I came across some dark, unlit route, I always thought, "Wow, this is life, sometime we're gloomed by the darkness, but sometimes we'll reach the light, the bright part of the route, but somehow if we're in the dark, we need to make effort, we need to move, so that we're free from the darkness," or something like dat.

I ran almost until Pusat Futsal Meracipta, i stopped running when I came across the big road, I stopped exactly across Shell. I jog a little bit then and due to stomachache I walked until home, if not, is not like I can run that far either, haha.

I was very tired when I reached house, and most of my friends are already asleep, I reached around 2 a.m. I did some things and went to sleep. That morning, after sahur, after Subuh, I hang my wet clothes and sleep until almost 2 o'clock in the evening, haha, not a moment to be proud of, I admit.

Then, that evening, in Aircraft Structure Repair, En. Abu Zaid did a shocking quiz, the questions was subjective but direct and easy, but since I didnt prepare, I barely able to finish it. That evening, tho I kinda felt reluctant to break fast at kedai Arab,but since everybody's going, so I decided to go. It's a gud thing tho, I can take this chance to cool my head off...or at least that's what I thought.

Along the way to the restaurant, Saba' Restaurant that is, I can't seem to bring myself to forget her. I tried to look at the scenery, but she's always on my mind., it sucked....it sucked alot. But then I came to a conclusion, no, not to fight and bring her back, not that kinda things, but I decided to pray. Pray to God, that He will open up my heart, give me chance to love someone else, and I hope to only see her no more than as a friend, maybe as a sister, that is.
It was almost Maghrib, me, Haziq, Taufiq, and Farid almost reached that restaurant. There are lotsa people, it seem like a popular place, maybe of these days I'll bring mom here; I thought. We had a seat and waited for other members to come. Acong and Abusam didnt come, I dont know why.

The food was nice, it was delicious tho. I had a watermelon juice, and altogether sum up about RM15. Well, it was kinda worth it, I didnt had the money to pay, haha, so I borrowed from Farid. Thanks.

From the left is Naqib Ali, Azuan Shah and Muiz Che Azmi, they're all good, and respectable person :-)
After we ate, we went for Maghrib at nearby Petronas, and went to Alamanda. Going to Alamanda was one of the bad decision we've ever made. It's not like we did anything other than eating chocotop. The're no movies to watch, so we decided to go back home, and hit the bed.

Wow, it's been quite sometime already eh Hanafiah? I often thought that if I could turn time back, at least maybe for a month, I could change all this painful facts, I can turn the sorrow and grief into happiness and joy, I can at least feel something rather than shivering cold and emptiness.

But like my father, like I had always been, it's already too late. Well, Tuhan itu Maha Kaya, He is Merciful and this is one of His ways testing my faith, not like I've any rights questioning His decisions, I know that all this happened for a reason, and may I'll matured from this experiences and become a better servant, a better human, like I've always had prayed.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Evolving the Miserable, Pathetic Run to a Nocturnal Runner

In this post, I include some of my shots that I had taken this past week. Reality sucks, but God’s wonder never will; in fact it was a good reflection, a good way to distress for all the things that had happened.
I’ve decided from today onwards, with God’s grace I will try to…

• Become a better muslim
• Study very hard, and achieve my ambition
• Run farther
• Play football, futsal more
• Learn to play an instrument, guitar hopefully
• Learn foreign language
• Learn how to utilize the E520 properly, use it to the full extent
• Learn swimming
• Make friends with lotsa people
• Become more matured, and relaxed
• Pursue ‘the one’.

Okay, this morning, I’ve decided I will run again, yeah, I know it’s crazy, the surroundings are dark, it’s chilly, like the inner part of my body, it's cold, the only protection i had was the windbreaker, and my shirt.

I ran hard that night, er... Monday morning, and it was 3.30 a.m. when I went out, I went through my normal route, but dis time I didnt actually last long like the previous run, but i managed to keep on running back home with few stops here and there. When I almost reached home, I took a detour, a slightly farther than just go back home, I looped around the school,it was raining a little, but I dont mind, I pushed myself hard, and fast enough,hoping it was enough to leave all the painful sour memory I had. The wind blew harder,and it made the tiny raindrops slammed onto my face as I ran. This is crazy, I thought, but I need to, I need to mark the end, the end to my miserable week, and to the beginning of my promising, bright future, hopefully.

And now here I am, looks like some few things that I picked up from this experience is dat I started to run during night more often; a nocturnal runner one would've say.

Well, whatever it is, may I find the happiness, the most beautiful destination to end my run, and hopefully it will become the best thing that could ever happen to me,I pray that it'll come true, and come to some sort of konklusi diri,like i've always had wished :-)

This is It, Huh?

So, it’s almost fasting time eh? In fact, by the time I’m writing this, it’s almost like…2-3 hours before the first day of Ramadhan starts. Life sucks recently, it sucked big time, big time baby. Stil, I guess you can find it hard to sleep with all these hard things unresolved. And this is just what I’m trying to do, making myself busy with trivial matters, and finding ways to keep my mind occupied before sleeping.

Hanafiah, life sucks eh recently? I guess the only good news you had was from En. Khairul Dahri this week, was about the SHM equipment that Cik Mariana borrowed from UPM. Yeah, that was kinda lucky news non? Rather than pressing your head against the wall doing the analysis, mathlab, simulink, etc, u'd be able to actually run the experiment, do your own test and dont have to use anyone's data, alhamdulillah. I hope you could finish your final year project, graduate, achieve your ambition and get married with the one you love, but who? Well that is another answer that only fate can find in its unpredictable store.

So, recently I give myself a thought, an advice that I concluded from all the perspectives of my friends, my mother, Bang Icam, and perhaps some that I came across it coincidentally. Yeah, I was a loser, a selfish one indeed. I was so selfish that my selfishness clouded my judgment, I was so egoistic that it blurry my vision of wisdom, I was about to throw away the friendship that I built almost 4 years, and I’ve said things that are so out of my character; no wonder people are laughing, no wonder she felt amused.

Some people said…
“It’s not your fault that you realized that you liked her after she had gone for the flower of love blooms unpredictably, in your case, it bloomed after she had gone.”

Some people say another thing…
“C’mon man, fight for her, you can do this, go and win her back! Don’t give up, never give in, and make that attempt before you’ll regret it”

But most of them said…
“When you liked someone, it doesn’t mean that she should also have the mutual feelings. You loved her, but she’s fallen in love with another guy, so learn to make sacrifice, learn to not be selfish, give it up for her happiness, and may God find other happiness for you.”

Bang Icam advised me to fight, and never let that girl go, ‘fight for the one you really care’, he said. And I guess I don’t really care about her, no; that was a lie, I thought why should I make a move when I had my chances earlier, I’ve confessed and she replied that she only saw me as a friend, a friend and that’s it. She was happy and in love, I’m not going to make it any more difficult for her. So that evening, I texted her, yeah, I know I shudn’t had to, but I cant just throw away my friendship, or at least that’s what I thought, I just hope that all the things that I said and selfish acts didn’t destroy the bonds between us. Haha, I’m sure atuk would’ve said “Hai, apa ni, cakap tak serupa bikin?” and he would laugh, showing his yellow teeth due to his increasing age and seldom brushing. God bless his soul. I just hope that my attempts will bring back this friendship to its normal state.

I guess, the only thing I could do now is to move on, with every last shard of energy that I can hold on to, and push myself forward, even I could go only a slightly slower than a snail can move. Hai Fatin, kau membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi, haha. I guess becos of this that I consulted my mom to sign me up for the organ donor. But I guess, will sign up for that organ donor, but not now. Maybe the metaphor behind dis was that I felt that a part of my body was missing, haha. This is a great lesson. Human’s heart can change. My heart can change. And it HAD. It’s changing was unpredictable. And for one last time I hope it could change for someone that can change her heart for my sake, and when that happens hopefully it’ll last for eternity.

Alhamdulillah, the pain had eased, but like I said, a part of me had been taken; I felt hollow and cold.

I’ll try to be more relaxed next time. Should’ve cooled off a bit, my confession; it was hasty, cranky, immature, not masculine but I’m reaaaaallllly glad I did it; no more regrets. Thank you God.

I could only wish for the best, and pray like I’ve always had.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ending These Things

Em, I guess dis could be like the last episode in this unwanted dark, sad, waning and somber trilogy of my life, at least for now. So, today, I had a talk with her, yeah, her, wow, receiving her text really psyched me up, yesterday I was really depressed, I refrain myself from contacting her tho I really waited for her messages, every minute I was like looking at the phone, or keep the phone where I can heard its incoming message ringtone, I cant sleep well thinking abt her, I thought abt lots of things, I even decided to go to hotel Maya to meet that guy, I muttered ‘astaga’ like hundred times, maybe even more, I try to find tranquility in doing religious work, but stil, my efforts were in vein, probably I’m not much that religious in the first place. But stil, dis is God’s work, and I’m certain that under every dark cloud, lays a silver lining.

So I built up my courage, texted her, and asked if I could give her a call, after she replied, I immediately called her as I got home. I was riding uncle Qeba’s motor dat morning to miat. I called her, I asked her, is it any possibilities for her to be with me, did she by any chance had the slightest shard of love or like me a bit?
And the reply was very painful.

“But I’ve loved him, I know it’s kinda fast, but I loved him”

“About you, I liked you but as a friend…”

That’s the killer sentence, ‘as a friend…’ which lethal enough to send you back on the reality ground.

So she asked me what I was expecting to be with her in the future.
I said I wanted her to be my bride, I would’ve wanted to marry her if I could, if I have what it takes right now, but I’m stil studying, and unprepared. But all that excuses now are pointless.

I’ve said dat I like her, ‘wow, it’s really hard to say you like someone eh?’ I soliloquized, but those words only remain words, and it was already too late and I realized that by her words too, I’m fighting a losing battle. Human’s feelings can’t be easily undone, right?

Or something like dat, it was too painful to remember. Then, she gave my phone number to dat man, Darsuno, because it’s easier to call rather than meeting him bcos he’s busy. I dunt mind, I wanna ask dat man something too.
Later in the evening, when I go to the library to print some En. Abu Zaid’s assignments about the Boeing 727 alignment checks if I’m not mistaken, I received that guy’s call. Like any other guy who his girlfriend had been disturbed was talking to me in slightly aggressive, rude voice, except no derogatory.
He said

Sya dgr bnyk bnda awak tk puas hati dgn saya ni, kata saya macam2 la, saya ni Banquet Manager, saya nk sapu mana2 perempuan saya boleh, saya biasa je dngn diorng ni, ntah mcm mana satu hari tu saya nampak kawan awak, saya tgk ada peluang, saya pun sapu je la

‘Banquet manager? Sapu?’

So perplexedly I asked
Awak ni betul2 serius ke dgn kawan saya?

He said
Saya ni umur dah dua puluh tujuh, tkda masa nk main2 lagi, kalau saya tk serius, takkan saya sanggup nk jumpa mak bapak dia. Maafla saya ni kasar sikit, tapi saya ni dah lama kerja hotel, jadi ayat memang kasar la

And I asked again…
Awak betul2 sukakan dia?

His answer was…
Kalau saya suka dia saya tkkan la buat macam ni semua, saya ni sibuk, saya dulu dah pernah putus tunang, saya dah tak da masa nk main-main

Yeah, I realized he was right, I couldn’t agree more, my friend, she really-really liked him, no, she LOVED him, why cant I be happy for her? Why shud I disrupt this relationship? What am I doing here? Ruining my only female best friend’s happiness? He could be ‘the one’ for her, after spending all these times with her only now I’m saying this? After her love had been sowed by dat man only I’m saying this? Human’s feelings can’t be undone, and so is her feelings. Wow, I REALLY AM A SELFISH JERK, but accepting reality hurts me a lot, I hated it, I hated that fact I’m losing her, I’ll never be by her side, I’ll never be there for her again, never be, never will.

Then he continued.
Laki ni kena la rilek, kita ni laki, cuba jadi berani sikit”
Berani? Rileks
? Oh…she said the same thing back then. “Dia mmg berani la, dia memg berani la

I was speechless.

He added
So kita kira ok la ni? lepas ni awak jangan la ganggu dia ke apa ke, call ke…

I snapped and said
Tak, saya tak akan call dia lagi, awak jangan risau. Maaf la sebab menyusahkan, dan terima kasih” yeah, maybe it was my ego, maybe my pride was scratched, she was right; he’s a nice man, at least dats what he said about himself; but I cant contact her again.

After dat I called mom, asked her to pick me up in the evening, I cant seem to get my mind straight, what a blow of reality hitting directly at my face, I thought.

Going back home dat day was the most right thing to do, when mak arrived, I hug her, she knew me very well to know I have a problem. We talked a lot in the car. I told her how fool I am taking her for granted, and my mom talked about why I didn’t commit, she would’ve wanted to meet her, I talked about how not prepared I am, dat I’m still studying and I cant give the luxury that a working person could, I talked about how not committed I am to her, how it’s my fault that all these happens, and we talked a lot. My mom was consoling me dat I’ll find someone else better, I don’t know; I said, she also consoled me by saying that it was a right decision for me to not to make a commitment since I’m still studying and to ask someone out could stil a major financial problem tho I know dis wudnt had happened if I had confessed earlier.

I reached home late, I even missed the maghrib prayer along the journey back home,it was because mom had to go to Setapak for a while. After I reached home, the azan Isya’ were heard, so I put my thing in the room, take wudhu’ and go to the surau.

After Isya’ I qada’ the Maghrib prayer, and after that followed by 2 rakaat’ Sembahyang sunat. Usually every last rakaat, in the last sujud, I wud pray…

Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa ......................... dan dosa muslimin muslimat sekaliannya, dan jodohkanlah aku .......................”

But that sembahyang sunat after Isya’ was followed by how much I hope for her happiness in life, how she will not marry the wrong person, how she will be happy with Darsuno, how she will be recovered from her serious headache or migraine, how her right ear could be able to hear properly again, how she will have no regrets choosing that guy over me, how she will lead a happy life with Darsuno and have great kids with him. As I choose these prayers for her, my cheeks are wet, and I can felt tears flowing, it had already been wet this few days whenever I reach the last rakaat of my prayer. I didn’t tell this to her, she once said she disliked guys crying and sulking, well, I guess that’s manly for her, and I am just no manly enough.

I also prayed…
Ya Allah, ya tuhanku, sekiranya dia bukan tercipta untukku, sekiranya dia bukan jodohku, maka lupuskanlah dia dari sanubariku, dari ingatan dan pandanganku, Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku sangat terseksa Ya Allah, aku sangat sakit Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau uji aku dengan ujian yang tidak dapat aku lalui, sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa, lagi Maha Mengasihani. Ampunkanlah dosa sahabatku dan berkatilah kasihnya, semoga dia bahagia dan gembira disampingnya, aku sangat hina Ya Allah, tidak akan aku dapat memberikan apa yang dapat diberikan oleh lelaki itu, dan aku tidak layak mendapatkan kasih perempuan sebaiknya, dan oleh itu ya Allah, tolonglah sahabatku ini, jauhkan dia dari malapetaka dan penyakit yang tidak diingini, semoga dia berbahagia di dunia dan di akhirat. Amin ya rabbal aalamin.

After finished my self-rehabilitation in the mosque which helped a lot, along with my mother’s therapy session in the car earlier, I seem to feel more fine, but still my legs, my legs they’re kinda trembling and weak, maybe it felt that way because realizing the fact that sooner or later I’m gonna loose her. Well, I decided to go for a run, for a jog. I started jogging around 11 p.m. and arrived home about 12 a.m.

Still, after finished running, my legs seem to be okay, but my mind’s still thinking about her. So I decided to take pictures in Kuala Lumpur, some of the shots were blurry, but some were not, it’s because I learned the some of the camera’s new function. Whenever I pass by GH, my mind seems to think about her, and my body felt a cold shiver, I just hoped this wouldn’t last long for I will be here for quite some time in the future when I run some errands for mom. That night, I cant sleep, and I wrote this, I wrote it as a reference, as a journal, as a guide to make me remember how not to take the woman you liked for granted, how to treat her well, how to not loose a diamond that you should‘ve been grasp, as a lesson not to repeat this again. And, for how many times these past few days, while I wrote this, the tears rolled down on my cheek.

Later in the morning, mak consoled me again, she really made me realized, she said to stop contacting her if it makes me miserable and she’ll help me find someone else. Someone else? I don’t know, hopefully. She said to me to let her go, and have pride and dignity, be a man, get a proper job and you can marry anyone you wanted, she said. I hugged her, kissed her on the cheeks and thanked her for all the acvise she gave. It's funny that I console this kind of matters from a woman, not from a dad, well, it's a no wonder tho, because she had been both since i was born. Yeah, hopefully, again I thought. I will become a better person, I promised.

Well, I will try not to contact you again for I’ve deleted your number and I’ve said the same thing to that man, maybe after things had settled down I’ll come and see you again, but only time will tell when dat’ll happen, I will move on first, and with God’s grace I hope we’ll have a brighter future lies ahead, I hope you’ll be happy and may not the slightest sense of regret will dwell in your heart, I will always love you my friend, you’ll always be in my prayer, like you’ve always had:-)