Friday, September 4, 2009

So, We Guys arent Much Different eh?

Haha, i dont know why I bother writing this, or any or my previous posts either, well Hanafiah, u're one bored person eh? Well, at least this is one of the best way to keep ur mind occupiedo rite?

So it was Monday, the 1st September 2009, the only year I felt that celebrating the Independence Day is not like any previous years; where it's usually full of Malaysian colors, cars with the national flag, the Sudirman's song can be heard anywhere, and the urge that people wanted to go to Klcc to watch the fireworks. But still, it's one of the nights I wished to remember.

That evening, around 3 p.m., I called dad, saying I cant come, I cant meet him. He had always wait, and waiting another day wouldnt hurt, i thought, hopefully. By 6 o clock I'm all set up to break fast, at SS2, God knows where dat place is for I rarely travel to dat side of this country, or any other part than Sepang and Wangsa Maju.

We went to Murni, but the restaurant was closed, so, feeling disappointed and hungry, furthermore the azan's Maghrib is almost near, we decided to go to William's, I dunt know how they got dat name, it's nothing exquisite and it's kinda pricey, but the food's worth it. I ordered spaghetti meatball, red sauce er.toamto sauce while Sufian had the cheese version, well, both of them are nice. Kaia, on the other hand was feeling unwell, with his stomachache. Ironically he was complaining about how hungry he was earlier.

Then we had our Maghrib prayer at the nearby Petronas station, I guess this was like my second time here, and we went to the Curve after. At first I was kinda reluctant to sing, wow, but undeniably, singing had always been one of my dark, hidden passion, haha. We paid 20 bucks, went into the karaoke box, and choose few songs. I let them have a run 1st, trying to pick up the mood I'd say.

Some of the sons we sang that night was
Salem-Trilogy Cinta
Seventeen-S'lalu Mengalah
Faizal Tahir-Sampai Syurga
Hattan-Memburu Cinta
Amuk-Untukmu Sayang
Spider-Mungkinkah Terjadi, Laukku Cukup Masin
Mariah Carey-Always be My Baby
Back Street Boys-I Want it That Way
Awie-Tragedi Oktober

When the time's up, it's already 10.15, or something. We went out from that building, Hafiz and Sufian grabbed something to drink, while Kaia and Teng swaited outside. Later we made our way to Sports Planet Ampang, along the way, there's few songs dat was also very er...disturbing, coincidental with my situation like James Morrison and Taylor Swift-You Belong with Me. Sufian said there may be too many people, but fortunately I was able to play. I had a good run out, no Sufian asked if I had a good run out and I thought I did, running back when counterattacked, sliding mamat dat thinks he's too skillful, kerja asyik nk tap2 je, body few players, did sum accurate pass dan skil zidane,  the adrenaline keeps on pumping, but still I considered the way I played dat night was kinda rough, it wasnt like me at all, it seems I was aggressive but stressed with sumthing else, with sumone else, but then again, I enjoyed the game, I really did. From dat game, I concluded I wanna use my body in every gameplay, making it an advantage for me, like Adam had always advised.

Then we went lepak, like usual. Kaia had a fever, and job test the following day, hopefully he'll manage. When we arrived, he slept in the car for sometime, and join us like few minutes later. It was already 1.30 o'clock and we decided to send Zhafril back to uia, he was complaining about the guard named Shukri, or Syukri? God knows what he's real name is. We send him not to the front gate, but to a nearby fence at the traffic light. He climbed the fence, and with his small body he made a leap, and vanish into the darkness.

I reached home around 2 a.m. and took my prayer. I pray terawih too, it's the only thing I can do now, the only way for me to express my real feelings to the Most Gracious.I ended up that night with few recites from the Quran. Again, these are the only things I'm capable of doing right now, i cant see any other way to sooth my heart, and for unknown, mystical, religiously reason, it really was kinda soothing. i felt more relaxed, and focused.

I slept for about an hour, before sending mak to S.Alam that morning. Tho I was very sleepy, I cant seem to bring to let her have the wheel. I reached college around 8.45 a.m., barely fortunate. Later, like usual, i was sleeping during the class session, but not along the session, maybe 30-40% of it? Haha, not the proudest moment I'd say. Then I went to the library, checking out the net and went to student centre. It was 10.30 a.m. or something and nobody was around in the Saidina Ali. I slept and waked up few times because someone turn on the fan and it was very...very cold, that I had to wear my jacket and change positions before continuing sleeping.

After Zohor, i recite few pages and find the nearest collumn, the less fan affected area and sleep again, haha. When I waked up it was already 2.45 p.m, 'damn, my class' and I saw 5 miscalls from Aqwa and a message from Qeba. I wantd to rush back to the class, but my feet was kinda numb, so I took some sweet time going back.

En. Andek was standing behind ther door, hiding, but it's not like I cant feel his presence. He said
"So, apa hukuman kita nak bagi kat dia ni?"

"Suruh dia nyanyi lagu Spider" someone interjected, Anura maybe.

I pretend to be blur, well I guees I really was and i tried to express reluctancy.
"Takpa la, kamu boleh duduk" he said smiling.

I was relieved, I dunt really need a moment of singing when I had almost use up my voice in the car this morning and last night during that karaoke.

I tried to focus in the class, since I felt really guilty for coming late, plus En Andek is a really good and interactive lecturer, plus I was copying the slides, so I dunt really hve time to doze off again. After class, again i went to Saidina Ali, took prayer and went straight to Ampang. The heavy traffic made me reach there around 7 p.m.I went to dad's house, like usual, he was alone, and like my heart, he was lonely too, I guess.

He lead me to this mamak stall nearby, the food was okay, the ane or mamak asked who am I in relating with my father. He assumed I'm his grandchild, I could only laugh and asked him how long my father had come to the shop. I had some nasi beriani, while he had the whiter version. We both ate chicken, we both ate quite comot, somehow it made me felt most people wud've said 'like father, like son'. I asked him about running, about jogging. He likes jogging too, like me. I guess it runs in the family that we are both runners, heh.

Then I told him about my story, that story, about her. He easily said
"Dont worry, u stil have lots more time to search, u're just 22, u still young and have lots more time. Just focus on getting your degree first"

"Em, you're right dad" I agreed. It's funny with such  little words from my old man, it can be very convincing and soothing.  But then I replied
"But Ive been friends with her for a long time, and i only realized it after she's gone..."

"Dont worry, u'll have lots of time"

"Okay" I said. "But I definitely want a doctor as my wife," I continued firmly.

"Thats good, so now focus on your studies first, and get a real job, u'll find someone else better"

"Hopefully la ayah, hopefully" I said and continued eating.
I sent him back home later. Before sending him back, I went to pay the bills, about RM16.40 or like that, the storekeeper asked about my name, I replied "Hanafiah" and he said "bagus lah, bagus lah" tho he didnt explained why.

I went back to Melawati, took my prayer a.s.a.p. before it's almost Isya', but I was late because I went to Al Ikhsan Ampang first. Then, I rushed to surau, I did extra that night, i don't know why, but still i skipped the witir. Like usual, I checked my phone as i E, I really wished she texted, but then I could only wish, I've gotta get used to these things, I thought again. Arggh, why was she the only one in my mind, why cant I focussed on something else? But then my mood for other things had been disrupted, I didnt watch tv, this thing had taken its toll on my interests, football matches, video games, study, I can barely concentrate in my prayers, and I cant sleep well.

Astagfirullah al Azim, astaga, astaga, i didnt know how many times i muttered that word, repeating it only to find myself to be reminded of her again. This is crazy, i've gotta move on, I thought. I didnt want to become obsessed. But then i saw the cap, the nicholas sparks' novel, and this thing keeps on worsening.

This had been going for almost since she was gone, since she rejected me. I came to a conclusion, since I can barely sleep, I might as well jog, or run, to make myself tired so that my mind would no longer think of her. Plus it's ramadhan, so its a gud thing, and I ever since dat day, i started become a nocturnal runner, with the thoughts of her and loud songs playback that accompanied my cold, windy night run.

That night I jog the normal route, except this time there was a dog attacking me, since i the songs were too loud, I didnt noticed it earlier. Fortunately that the dog only tried to scare me, and it didnt bite me, but still, my running tempo was disturbed, damn. I continued jogging, continue making myself tired hoping i wud sleep and didt ever have to think of her. but as I ran, as i increas my pace, she came into my thoughts, and i pushed myself further again. But I was glad, i really need these pain and tiredness to forget her.

The few things I really like about running, tho most people would observe me in a weird manner, is that I felt really healthy, I felt normal, alive and kicking again. It feels like I've endure something, and I've made my way to become stronger. With my condition and situation I'm into right now, the only thing I could do is run,and run and run again until exhaustion took over my mind. And most of the time, i felt more sane tahn insane, more focussed, and I can conclude better.

That night, after finishing my run, I concluded that I would stil become friends with her despite all the advice I received from people to stay away from her. I wanna be friends, and I dont wanna stay away from her, I didnt wan to throw away my friendship that I've built just because of some man took her away. She's still there, just unreachable.

I prayed again.

Ya Allah, ya tuhanku,
Sekiranya telah ditakdirkan bukan dia untuk diriku,
Sekiranya telah Engkau caturkan dia bukan milikku,
Cukuplah aku menyayanginya hanya sebagai seorang kawan, seorang sahabat,
Dan lupuskanlah dia dari sanubariku,
Dari pandangan mata hatiku,
Dan tutupkanlah pintu hatiku terhadap dia,
Seperti mana dia menutup pintu hatinya terhadapku,
Dan bukalah pintu hatiku terhadap orang lain,
Seperti mana dia membuka pintu hatinya terhadap lelaki itu,
Semoga dia berbahagia dan dijauhkan dari segala malapetaka dan kesedihan,
Aku hamba Mu yang hina Ya Allah,
dan tidak layak aku membahagiakan dia seperti lelaki itu,
berikanlah aku kekuatan,
untuk mengorak langkah dan hilangkan rasa ini dari hatiku,
dan jadikanlah aku seorang lelaki yang beriman dan tinggikanlah darjatku,
sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa, wahai Tuhan sekalian alam.
Amin ya rabbal aalamin.

After that, I went back straight to Salak Tinggi. That's the end of it, hopefully. Tonight, no, this morning I will run again and went for sahur, hopefully everything will be normal again, insyaAllah, like I've always had wanted.