Thursday, December 15, 2011

Eid Al Adha

I cant sleep yet, my mind's kinda wandering for sum unknown reason, like always. Nevertheless, it often tells me to sleep. It? Yeah, my body, yet my mind urges to keep on striking this dusty old Compaq keyboard laptop.

Eid Al Adha is around the corner, and I admit, having to come here for only like a month or so, had made me miss home, even more, especially considering that I never actually, technically leave home as long as I would now, thus this feelings kinda developing and starts to ripped my sanity, only I choose to suppress it and keep it aside, as long as I could. This feelings, the sense of loneliness doesnt really occur when u're in the classroom, or when u're doing your assignment, but as soon as the pitch black of the dark night comes creeping in, and the surrounding seems to be quiet, sumtimes it too quiet but just the moment that it gets to the freaky stage, BAM! your next door roomate, your flatmate came knocking to your door, oblivious of his actions and start to sing sum unknown song in sum foreign language, an alienated sound to your ear, but still convincing enough to know that he doesnt realize what the heck he was saying or doing all along. When this situation kicks in, and all of the necessary factors, igniters, falls into its rightful place, the sense of loneliness and homesick sparked, depends on the windy direction of moodswings, it can burst up to one powerful flame, a flame that rhetorically speaking, is not able to light up all the fire emergency alarm or trigger any smoke detectors.

Life's kinda busy, but that keeps me going. Assignment keeps me going...not really, haha. Recently, I have this  aspiration, and sum sort of idea, and sum other things.

Chill kids, I'm fine, no worries, I will always love you guys, like I always had :-)

The Few Little Things that Transcend Death

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Yeah, I just went back from a friend's birthday party. Yeah, it was really fun, and not to mention there's delicious foods as well. Yeah, happy besday to aunty Syifaa, yeah, I will introduce you guys to her, and the rest of the gang, uncle hazwan, safwan, ridhwan, then there's another uncle safwan, haha, and also not to forget the religious, pious uncle faiz. Oh, by the way I started my day with coming late to an appointment because i was stuck in the bathroom with broken door knob. So, I had to jump from the window, onto the bushes, half naked, with 3-4 degree Celsius in the environment, I ran quickly as I could. But enough on dat, just like the mood of vacation, and having to just went home from a birthday party had made me thinking, about few things.

In life, there are things that I hold on the most, and among these few things dat I held above others; one of them would be integrity, and sincerity. These principles, that I had been holding on for so long, that made me running thru thick and thin, despite all the negativity it occurs of implementing it, I daresay, that Im not fairest of all in this context, there are times I hold back, and I let negativity swoops in. However, having strong feeling for your set of principles, believe and continue holding onto em, no matter how harsh the situations or conditions are against it,even having the world against your set of beliefs, even the tides doesnt favor your way; if you continue holding on to em under this situation, you're already a man, my beloved kids. And these are the principles that your great grandpa had instilled into me, indirectly, ever since I was a kid.

You see, having to grow up without a father figure, I had definitely rely on these two people in accommodating the psychological need of a person called father; these are the guys that was my father-figure to me, in the early days of my life.

So, I had always remember few taglines from my grandpa, from atuk korang. This happened when I was in standard one, aged seven years old and I just came back from school in the middle of ramadhan, the fasting month. Came back from the school, I ran to the kitchen, opened up the refrigerator and check if there's any food under the tudung saji. Yeah, I didn't fast back then, haha, hell no, you guys arent gonna get the same luxury I had, not fair? suck it up, im ur father after all, haha. Neway, I was sitting on the chair, and your grandpa, he will come.

"Haa, tak puasa"
"Adik puasa separuh hari la tuk"
"Mana boleh puasa separuh-sparuh, puasa kena penuh"
"Tak tahan la tuk, penat lari, balik skolah lapa dah"
*sambil tersenyum* "puasa memang la lapa, semalam kata nak puasa,"
*terus makan*
"tau tak ni orang india cakap apa?"
"apa tuk?"
"cakap tak serupa bikin" *sambil tersenyum

"Cakap tak serupa bikin" and I want you guys too, to remember this phrase, until the day you die. Your words are who you are, and never, ever be someone whom his words can't be trusted, never be someone who may say something, but acted totally different just to accommodate and fulfill his own negative agenda. If you are not able to say things dat you are not sure of, not ever being able to guarantee that you will act out to what you say, never in the slightest sane mind thought of saying anything, for people will claim all your words back, and they will quote the things, each single words that you said, and if you had acted differently people will lost faith, trust and will act differently. You will loose respect, and you relationship may never be the same. 

I had a friend, and he was doing the same thing. No, I didnt despise him or anything, i didnt hate him, but i think it's best if I just keep a certain space, because even though he's a friend, but things are no longer the same, ever. I just couldn't let myself to believe him, not anymore.

It's funny though, remembering my grandfather, in a foreign land. Never I thought I was able to come this far, it was of my slightest intention. I will make him proud, I will. Al-Fatihah to my grandfather, Haji Abdul Kadir bin Yunus, may he rest in peace. For all the things he did, all the principles and beliefs he sow deep in me, and all the religious teachings he taught, I can't thank him enough.

And never loose faith on me, as I will continue having faith on the great person you guys will be. I will love you guys, like I always had :-)

It's Windy...Like Your Mom

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Recently the weather's been reaaaaallly unstable, yeah and I rarely see the sun, and even if it were to appear, it was only for a while, for brief second. I do miss Malaysia, and the weather, I do miss the seeing the white fluffy clouds, and the feeling of bright, warm glittering ray on the western hemisphere whenever the sun sets.

Recently, on Thursday this week, which technically yesterday; my class was cancelled, because of the heavy gust of wind that reached about 90-80 mph. That's like reallly freaking fast, and standing in the middle of the road will definitely get you flown away if you're too skinny that is.

So, as I was in the middle of the street, feeling the wind breeze blew against me, it was harsh, hard, strong in lots of ways that I may not be able to describe it, maybe not right now with my limited vocabulary that is.

By the wind, I realized too, the empty hollow deep in the corner of my heart, beyond reach of light; and at some point, ironically u just want to be alone, and I felt that. I saw people passing by, walking up and down the streets, with heavy, thick sweaters and windbreakers as they pave their way on the wet, dark parchment of the road that endangers the pedestrian due to its slippery condition that was caused by the snow few days earlier. Seeing them, juggling between all these things, these criteria that is beyond their control, I realized too, that we may not be able to control the variables, the external factor that had been put or implemented upon us, but however, with God's grace, we can determine the factors, and the output of every effort that we put on, given that we put in enough inputs and allocating certain sufficient amount of effort.

So, when I feel the harsh wind, or the calm breeze on top of the high street (its a name of a road, yeah, pretty much ironic yet pun intended) I just don't know why but I just felt like it; like a woman;the wind is like a women, like any woman that had come into my life, the ones that had gone and still remained here. Nevertheless, like the last line from the last scene of a movie called 'A Walk to Remember' which was an adaptation from a novel, "her love is like the wind, I can's see her, but I can feel it" and I believed that's one of the true things in life. Women's love is like a wind, and guys are like wind turbines that continues to rotate to generate electricity. I am running out of words tho, there's no way winging it, but as much as I want to start propelling, to start generating something positive and contribute, environment and society; there are few things I need to improve, and certain things need to be accomplished, for there are other things that currently really, really matters to me.

Your mum, is a really-really great person. If I were to be successful one day in whatever I will be, for all the good things and great memories, for all these things to come, she will be my wind.

I will love you guys, like I always had.