Sunday, August 16, 2009

Running and Its Metaphor

Running eh? I dunno why I bother writing this, it’s not like anybody’s gonna read it, but stil, like my other posts, hopefully it will remind me one of the enjoyable times or what I once felt. Em, I dunno when I started to like to run, there’re lotsa times when it ignites my passion to do so, during Japanese serial dramas dat I borrowed from Sufian, or maybe from the Forest Gump, or maybe whenever I heard some genre of songs (Jrock, Jpop, emo, rock, etc), maybe since I enrolled into Khidmat Negara, or maybe it started ever since I was in primary school.

The few things I really like about running is the cool breeze that blew softly into my face, the dirt and terrain I’m running, the scenery of the Almighty’s creation and the perplexing face of it dwellers, the smile they replied whenever I pass them by, the cerulean blue skies, the sensation of pushing myself while hearing some inspiring music and the most important is the panting, the gasping for oxygen whenever I end my run, the sign that I’m alive and kickin’! :-) All these are the crucial factors that burned my passion.

Running, for me, it WAS a form of exercise. Back then, in PLKN, I really hate the fact that I was enlisted in the programme, so the 1st day I went there, I decided to rip all the goodness this program can provide me. I started doing sit-ups, exercise like hell, day and night; well…consider it as the time to play, since SPM was just over. Nothing to care about, only the fear of knowing ur SPM results, which turned up a pretty much an expected sour memory, haha

But now, like Haruki Murakami-san, the running novelist, running is not just a form of exercise, but it’s also some sort of a metaphor. For me, I realize that I could improve, and progress, to become a better person. My life didn’t suck, I made it dat way, I choose to be dat way, and I’m utterly to blame la kan? (Sesungguhnya setiap yang baik itu dari Yang Maha Esa, dan setiap keburukan itu datangnya dari kelemahan kita sendiri)

So, by running, I always remind myself to push, and push, and push again. Back then, when I’m stil like er..90+ kg or sumthing, I pushed myself further whenever I jog. I said “c’mon Hanafiah, u can do this, u can do this!” and life was pretty much sucks back then when u started, people said dis, and dat, not to mention dat ur mom is trying to add it, not by the bad talk tho, but by her delicious, large amount of cooking, haha. I was always like “ adoi, ni mesti masak lemak tu lagi la ni” or “this is one hell of a curry!”. But most of the time I was like “lari, lari lagi, c’mon, paksa diri sikit!” and somewhere between the evolution of a fat boy, loser and a nerd without the knowledge to someone who I am today an average Joe, I started to murmur “c’mon Hanafiah, u can do dis! Dun’t u wanna improve ur lifestyle? The way you feel? U may not be able to improve urself financially or your unhandsome face, u may not clever, but u can do this. Other people are working their ass of hardly, early in the morning, and u just wanna sit there? Ur mom, look, even at the age 62 she can go very far, what about u? U’re a loser, and u will always be if u can’t make it” or os I said. Oh, when I said ‘my mom can very go far’, it really meant she can go very far, until Shah Alam from Melawati, with car dat is, haha.
Frankly, like Haruki-san too, whatever came in my mind during these times isn’t much worth mentioning except for certain things, but this is why it had become a metaphor for me, the reason I strive. And later, I found myself browsing the Runner’s World mag, started to check out the jogging shoes, and preparing my music list during the jog.

Other than that, I ran sometimes to forget things, to loose all the pain in my heart that stuck on my chest, but still, from my previous experiences no amount of sweat, or distance that could make one's mind free from the excruciating pain of the heart. Only that pain, become some sort of drugs to prevent fatigue and it'll become like some sort of motivation to push yourself further. Usually, I'd always told myself to run away from that pain, yet, it's still there. For such pain that involves heart, only time is the best cure.

When I wrote this, I manage to run, or jog, at least until Wangsa Maju, following the normal route thru rumah Daim. I dunno how far, but I’m pretty much psyched up, haha. Now, I found myself excited with all new route, new terrains, the last time, I manage to follow until Permata, or somewhere near Keramat, near her house, yes, HER house (I’m not telling who she is). I dunno why, ever since I started running, I found myself tried to finish somewhere near her house. Maybe I was hoping I would bump onto her, or accidentally fell in front of her house, but unfortunately I was never lucky enough. So, when I saw Hidayat near the traffic light, he said “Ko pergi mana dowh?” Ha? Ko pergi mana tu? Dah la, hentikan je la, mcm stalker dow” so I was like ‘erkk’, he hit the right spot. Haha, it’s not like dat was the first time anyone would say, but before this I always said it before my friend gave out that statement.

And this shoe, this shoe had taken me very far. Haha, it’s supposed to be a futsal shoe, despite its worn out looks, it had served me well, a great tool, and a great friend. I think I will be using it for quite some time more. Ive been using this shoe for lots of purposes, during my restless night run, during the lowest self esteem i've ever had in life and lots more. I managed to reach her house using it, and Fatin's house too, thanks a lot Acuna.

I guess it’s time I’m changing route, continue moving on, continue improving, and that’s just the few aspects of life I had to live with, and hopefully time will heal all these scars away. I will improve myself, I will run with the wind blowing across me, leaving the footprints on the pavements, my sweat overflowing until one no longer able to differentiate between sweat and tears, and i'll run during the day or night, or anytime I felt like running, I will run anywhere this feet will take me, and with God’s grace, may I find the most beautiful destination to end my run, and may it’ll be the same for you too.
Like I’ve always had :)

The Running of Sorrow, Grief and Regrets

Em…okay, dis is something I’ve to jot down, I’ve to, it’s one of the most few memories I’d refuse to forget. On dis day, that is the night of 15 August and early morning of 16 August 2009 I dunno why, I refused to sleep, I decided at 3 a.m. I wud go for a run, considering the pace I’m going.

The reason I did this because I felt … empty? I’m not sure, lost maybe? But whatever it is, I was uncertain what I felt at that time, I know that my chest kinda stuck with something indescribable yet it felt hollow somehow, and later it develop into an emotional pain, the only medicine I had was the tears that flowing unstoppably down my cheek when I was driving to City Bazaar to repair the Dreamcast and during the final rakaat of my Isya’ prayer.

I guess looks like I’ve lost it again, the diamond that I shud’ve held, shud’ve grasped firmly, for the second time maybe? During the run, I can’t really describe what I was thinking, why did I made that decision to run at 3 a.m. in the morning, I can feel that the drivers or motorcyclist was staring weirdly, but I tried to ignore them. Then, perhaps the most challenging part is sometimes when u heard the dog’s bark (luckily I turned on my mp3 player quite high, unlike my 1st time running during night) and the sudden chill that struck you, as if someone, maybe something is right behind you. I dunno whether I was super curiously brave or just playing dumb, I often looked behind, and it was always a relief, this was ridiculous excruciating, but this is good, it’s one of the few medicines I need, at least for now. It took me quite 9-10 years to forget someone last time; I wonder how long it’ll take to recover for this one?

I ran, and ran again, not certain why the heck I did that, why did I made the decision, I know I must do it, I must do it to forget her, let the overflowing sweat cooled off my fire-scratched heart and the agonizing pain to forget the pain from the scar hopefully. Well, I guess dis is it then, life’s full of possibilities and changes, sometimes it can be as slow as a tortoise, yet it can become abruptly fast like lightning, and dis time around, I’m just not ready yet to face the change, at least not until I’ve finished the run.

Then later in the morning, I went for a run again in Titiwangsa, still, the feelings didnt go away. I ran harder, and tried to push myself further,until one couldnt differentiate between the sweat and tears, but why it didnt go away? i wear myself out, felt every bit of pain in every part of my body, yet the pain in my chest is the hardest. Later, when i got home, i broke again until fallen asleep.

Yeah, it was a short distance, it wasn’t far, but I’m glad I started that run. And to you my dearest friend, even if you're beyond my reach or we barely keep in touch again, u'll always be my best friend, at least that's the best I can do, for I'd rather have you as my friend then not having you in my life at all, tho the consequences, the pain is barely tolerable and unimaginable.

Remember that I’ll always…always pray for your best, and hope that u’ll be blessed with great success and great love, amin. This run, I wonder how long it'll take. We'll always become best friends like we've always had :-)