Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ending These Things

Em, I guess dis could be like the last episode in this unwanted dark, sad, waning and somber trilogy of my life, at least for now. So, today, I had a talk with her, yeah, her, wow, receiving her text really psyched me up, yesterday I was really depressed, I refrain myself from contacting her tho I really waited for her messages, every minute I was like looking at the phone, or keep the phone where I can heard its incoming message ringtone, I cant sleep well thinking abt her, I thought abt lots of things, I even decided to go to hotel Maya to meet that guy, I muttered ‘astaga’ like hundred times, maybe even more, I try to find tranquility in doing religious work, but stil, my efforts were in vein, probably I’m not much that religious in the first place. But stil, dis is God’s work, and I’m certain that under every dark cloud, lays a silver lining.

So I built up my courage, texted her, and asked if I could give her a call, after she replied, I immediately called her as I got home. I was riding uncle Qeba’s motor dat morning to miat. I called her, I asked her, is it any possibilities for her to be with me, did she by any chance had the slightest shard of love or like me a bit?
And the reply was very painful.

“But I’ve loved him, I know it’s kinda fast, but I loved him”

“About you, I liked you but as a friend…”

That’s the killer sentence, ‘as a friend…’ which lethal enough to send you back on the reality ground.

So she asked me what I was expecting to be with her in the future.
I said I wanted her to be my bride, I would’ve wanted to marry her if I could, if I have what it takes right now, but I’m stil studying, and unprepared. But all that excuses now are pointless.

I’ve said dat I like her, ‘wow, it’s really hard to say you like someone eh?’ I soliloquized, but those words only remain words, and it was already too late and I realized that by her words too, I’m fighting a losing battle. Human’s feelings can’t be easily undone, right?

Or something like dat, it was too painful to remember. Then, she gave my phone number to dat man, Darsuno, because it’s easier to call rather than meeting him bcos he’s busy. I dunt mind, I wanna ask dat man something too.
Later in the evening, when I go to the library to print some En. Abu Zaid’s assignments about the Boeing 727 alignment checks if I’m not mistaken, I received that guy’s call. Like any other guy who his girlfriend had been disturbed was talking to me in slightly aggressive, rude voice, except no derogatory.
He said

Sya dgr bnyk bnda awak tk puas hati dgn saya ni, kata saya macam2 la, saya ni Banquet Manager, saya nk sapu mana2 perempuan saya boleh, saya biasa je dngn diorng ni, ntah mcm mana satu hari tu saya nampak kawan awak, saya tgk ada peluang, saya pun sapu je la

‘Banquet manager? Sapu?’

So perplexedly I asked
Awak ni betul2 serius ke dgn kawan saya?

He said
Saya ni umur dah dua puluh tujuh, tkda masa nk main2 lagi, kalau saya tk serius, takkan saya sanggup nk jumpa mak bapak dia. Maafla saya ni kasar sikit, tapi saya ni dah lama kerja hotel, jadi ayat memang kasar la

And I asked again…
Awak betul2 sukakan dia?

His answer was…
Kalau saya suka dia saya tkkan la buat macam ni semua, saya ni sibuk, saya dulu dah pernah putus tunang, saya dah tak da masa nk main-main

Yeah, I realized he was right, I couldn’t agree more, my friend, she really-really liked him, no, she LOVED him, why cant I be happy for her? Why shud I disrupt this relationship? What am I doing here? Ruining my only female best friend’s happiness? He could be ‘the one’ for her, after spending all these times with her only now I’m saying this? After her love had been sowed by dat man only I’m saying this? Human’s feelings can’t be undone, and so is her feelings. Wow, I REALLY AM A SELFISH JERK, but accepting reality hurts me a lot, I hated it, I hated that fact I’m losing her, I’ll never be by her side, I’ll never be there for her again, never be, never will.

Then he continued.
Laki ni kena la rilek, kita ni laki, cuba jadi berani sikit”
Berani? Rileks
? Oh…she said the same thing back then. “Dia mmg berani la, dia memg berani la

I was speechless.

He added
So kita kira ok la ni? lepas ni awak jangan la ganggu dia ke apa ke, call ke…

I snapped and said
Tak, saya tak akan call dia lagi, awak jangan risau. Maaf la sebab menyusahkan, dan terima kasih” yeah, maybe it was my ego, maybe my pride was scratched, she was right; he’s a nice man, at least dats what he said about himself; but I cant contact her again.

After dat I called mom, asked her to pick me up in the evening, I cant seem to get my mind straight, what a blow of reality hitting directly at my face, I thought.

Going back home dat day was the most right thing to do, when mak arrived, I hug her, she knew me very well to know I have a problem. We talked a lot in the car. I told her how fool I am taking her for granted, and my mom talked about why I didn’t commit, she would’ve wanted to meet her, I talked about how not prepared I am, dat I’m still studying and I cant give the luxury that a working person could, I talked about how not committed I am to her, how it’s my fault that all these happens, and we talked a lot. My mom was consoling me dat I’ll find someone else better, I don’t know; I said, she also consoled me by saying that it was a right decision for me to not to make a commitment since I’m still studying and to ask someone out could stil a major financial problem tho I know dis wudnt had happened if I had confessed earlier.

I reached home late, I even missed the maghrib prayer along the journey back home,it was because mom had to go to Setapak for a while. After I reached home, the azan Isya’ were heard, so I put my thing in the room, take wudhu’ and go to the surau.

After Isya’ I qada’ the Maghrib prayer, and after that followed by 2 rakaat’ Sembahyang sunat. Usually every last rakaat, in the last sujud, I wud pray…

Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa ......................... dan dosa muslimin muslimat sekaliannya, dan jodohkanlah aku .......................”

But that sembahyang sunat after Isya’ was followed by how much I hope for her happiness in life, how she will not marry the wrong person, how she will be happy with Darsuno, how she will be recovered from her serious headache or migraine, how her right ear could be able to hear properly again, how she will have no regrets choosing that guy over me, how she will lead a happy life with Darsuno and have great kids with him. As I choose these prayers for her, my cheeks are wet, and I can felt tears flowing, it had already been wet this few days whenever I reach the last rakaat of my prayer. I didn’t tell this to her, she once said she disliked guys crying and sulking, well, I guess that’s manly for her, and I am just no manly enough.

I also prayed…
Ya Allah, ya tuhanku, sekiranya dia bukan tercipta untukku, sekiranya dia bukan jodohku, maka lupuskanlah dia dari sanubariku, dari ingatan dan pandanganku, Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku sangat terseksa Ya Allah, aku sangat sakit Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau uji aku dengan ujian yang tidak dapat aku lalui, sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa, lagi Maha Mengasihani. Ampunkanlah dosa sahabatku dan berkatilah kasihnya, semoga dia bahagia dan gembira disampingnya, aku sangat hina Ya Allah, tidak akan aku dapat memberikan apa yang dapat diberikan oleh lelaki itu, dan aku tidak layak mendapatkan kasih perempuan sebaiknya, dan oleh itu ya Allah, tolonglah sahabatku ini, jauhkan dia dari malapetaka dan penyakit yang tidak diingini, semoga dia berbahagia di dunia dan di akhirat. Amin ya rabbal aalamin.

After finished my self-rehabilitation in the mosque which helped a lot, along with my mother’s therapy session in the car earlier, I seem to feel more fine, but still my legs, my legs they’re kinda trembling and weak, maybe it felt that way because realizing the fact that sooner or later I’m gonna loose her. Well, I decided to go for a run, for a jog. I started jogging around 11 p.m. and arrived home about 12 a.m.

Still, after finished running, my legs seem to be okay, but my mind’s still thinking about her. So I decided to take pictures in Kuala Lumpur, some of the shots were blurry, but some were not, it’s because I learned the some of the camera’s new function. Whenever I pass by GH, my mind seems to think about her, and my body felt a cold shiver, I just hoped this wouldn’t last long for I will be here for quite some time in the future when I run some errands for mom. That night, I cant sleep, and I wrote this, I wrote it as a reference, as a journal, as a guide to make me remember how not to take the woman you liked for granted, how to treat her well, how to not loose a diamond that you should‘ve been grasp, as a lesson not to repeat this again. And, for how many times these past few days, while I wrote this, the tears rolled down on my cheek.

Later in the morning, mak consoled me again, she really made me realized, she said to stop contacting her if it makes me miserable and she’ll help me find someone else. Someone else? I don’t know, hopefully. She said to me to let her go, and have pride and dignity, be a man, get a proper job and you can marry anyone you wanted, she said. I hugged her, kissed her on the cheeks and thanked her for all the acvise she gave. It's funny that I console this kind of matters from a woman, not from a dad, well, it's a no wonder tho, because she had been both since i was born. Yeah, hopefully, again I thought. I will become a better person, I promised.

Well, I will try not to contact you again for I’ve deleted your number and I’ve said the same thing to that man, maybe after things had settled down I’ll come and see you again, but only time will tell when dat’ll happen, I will move on first, and with God’s grace I hope we’ll have a brighter future lies ahead, I hope you’ll be happy and may not the slightest sense of regret will dwell in your heart, I will always love you my friend, you’ll always be in my prayer, like you’ve always had:-)