People, friends, family, and new friends I met along the way had always ask me this; "WHY?", "KENAPA?" or maybe in a much colloquial manner "AWAT HANG MAI SINI? CUBA HABAQ CEK SKET!?" or for east coast people "MU TUBIQ SINI NAK GOCOH GAPO?" er...okay, ayah hentam je dat last part, nevertheless it gets the point thru.
There are many things that I mentioned here, wait...maybe all of them, all of the "hybrid theory" (this is actually a name for one of Linkin Park's hit album, so pun intended) can be find, at the basic of Islam, niat, or nawaitu kita. Apakah nawaitu ayah ketika hadir ke sini? sightseeing? cari awek mat salleh? mungkin ada, haha, taak, of course not, tapi I have my reasons, my niat, my nawaitu, and that is to seek knowledge so that, with God's grace I will have that qualification and knowledge to work in the energy sector and other things but I prefer to keep it to myself for the time being.
As I enrolled in this course, as i enter this country, my sense of awareness of energy, heat, and environment had increased tremendously. And all the energy-related issues suddenly kicks in, and I start to have certain views and ideas, which may seem rhetorically rubbish in this early stage, but still, lets just say its a beginning of sumthing great, haha
People too had ask me this "kenapa pegi sana? Bawa diri ke?" or "tu la, tgk Hanafiah dah merajuk bawa diri ke sana" or sumthing similar I guess. Well, I cant say much about it, and I wont deny it either, I admit that sum part of me is frustrated, maybe annoyed or seems to be a bit tense about I dont know, maybe employment or sumthing, maybe about not being able to do sumthing real, I admit a part of me feels like I played too much, too much that I may had take this opportunity to run from my friends' success when me myself a failure, when I didnt do much, maybe by taking this course, it gives me sum time to get all my shit together, all the messed up and failures, all the times that I had spending making the journey on the wrong path in life, maybe this is just another way for me to retrack back to life. I just dont know kids, there are times I felt so lost, and quite many times I asked myself "Why the heck did I came here in the 1st place? Dah la bayar mahal, makan susah, buang air susah, lecturer cakap satu apa pun tak faham, belajar benda baru, susah lak lagi!" okay, i exaggerate a bit, but there are times i do felt dat way.
When I came to Glasgow, the sunday on the 1st week I reached there, I met my lecturer, En Hafizi. He said this to me "Tiada apa yang mudah, dan kelemahan kita orang Melayu ialah cepat sangat untuk mengatakan tidak boleh, mudah mengalah, ini adalah sesuatu yang perlu kita ubah" or sumthing similar. I know many people had said this, even similar, but maybe during that situation I cant help but to reaaally heed his words; and kids, never ever feel afraid of the unknown and uncertainties, because you are not alone, I had been there, and I am still figuring my way out, but unfortunately, the process and the experience that I had here is sumthing that is beyond my limited vocabulary. I am still searching the answers to all the questions, but I know one part of the questions; I AM NOT RUNNING AWAY! I believe this is one of God's will, one of His ways answering to my prayer of wanting to improve and finding a way for the sake of bettering myself.
I really need to find your mum soon. Part of the answers lie within her, and you guys too. I will always love you guys like I always had.
