Tuesday, September 22, 2009

On the Verge of Friendship and Love

Sometimes there will be times when you're on the verge of something important, something so deep, and complicated, hard-to-define, not easy-to-digest matter, for example, to choose between friendship and your love life. Well, not that my love life would’ve won either, it had always not been, hopefully not always will.

So, if somehow u're stuck in this dilemma, and trying to figure your way out, its best to ask yourself, not your heart, but your wonderful, God-given, most complex and unique, identical to urself and urself only, which is your brain, subhanallah.

Sometimes again when you really love...no, let’s use somethin' less tragic than ‘love’, how about ‘like’? Yeah, when you really like someone, there are lotsa indications, and signs that showed, but only fools would deny it, and ironically, this stupidity came from the author himself, maybe he wrote this as some sort of diary or a reminder of his foolish ignorance.

Maybe the reason he had been a fool is because he didn’t realize his true feelings, maybe he had been denying it because he didn’t expect such feelings to occur, or perhaps previous experiences was painful, that made him tried to be more careful and to actually go straight for someone he really like wasn’t seem like the wisest idea. He was a fool because he choose to be clever, to wait-and-see, until one day, with lightning speed someone grabbed the precious gem away, right in front of him, and a smack right on his face; and now regretting seems pointless for if this is a some sort of detention, resistance is futile. But then, to fall in love, to like someone, is not about being wise, it’s not to hide any tricks up your sleeves or putting your best trump card forward, tho the outside nature of love or such feeling tend to be game-like, but the deep, pure core essence of heart is not, it is love, and full of wonderful feelings and excitement; and feelings aren’t meant to be played, aren’t meant to be toyed, aren’t meant to be suppressed or cast aside.

So, when you're stuck between friendship and love, first thing I think anyone should do is to clear their mind, spit their hidden feelings out, let the respective person know about it, for letting them know such matter is not an embarrassing situation, it may be awkward, but not as awkward as trying to get into some serious relationship out of thin air. When the bond of friendship is held tight, there’s always a possibility for a mutual feelings to occur. But still, life is not easy, it never will, so be prepared for the worst. Thus, when you confessed, there's always the friendship to back you up, to support you. And this is what makes it more interesting, secure yet it could be the hardest to forget. Meaning, you may be digging your own grave, and with a slight chance you'll rise and shine again. And believe me my friend, you’ll never again be the same person you are before.

So, if the time has come for you to confess, for your big break, for your mind is already set, only then you could let your co-pilot a.k.a. your heart to take over. Take actions, make effort, and say it, say the words with all your heart, let your bottled up feelings, unknown source of stress, the sudden undiagnosable, uncertain pace of your breathing out, and put your sleepless night to an end, for it is a good thing and accept the answer with all the might your heart can take. With dat my friend, with that, I hope that happiness will always smile on your side ;-)

Again, like most of my previous post, or any of my stupid actions in life, I don’t know why I did it, what made me to instigate such idiocy, yet as dumb as it may be, I didn’t regret it either. Like this piece of my mind I’m writing.

The few things that makes a man that recover from a heartbreak with his best friend much better than other normal crush is…Seriously, I don’t really think I’m qualified enough to write this matter, for I’m still trying my best to recover. But, I’ll try to write some insights of what I felt, theoretically dat is.

Okay, continue. Though this kind of situation is much more complicated and hard to overcome with when you compared to other heartbreak, there are lotsa positive aspects, a motivational and inspiring one, with God’s grace you’ll become a better person.

First, she is your best friend, the person u’d tell all your secrets to, and somehow along the way, you tend to want to know more, know how she felt, what she went thru today, her views on certain problems, your problems mostly, and once you been quite get used to it, stopping seems the hardest thing to do. Me? I’m still rehabilitating. But to know that you are fully okay from this first aspect doesn’t mean that you’ll stop contacting her, it’s enough that you’re able to draw some limit, some distance. And when you achieve that, you’ll know that you’re ready, ready to embark a new ocean of relationship with new crew of attitude, and with a new ship of confidence. Hopefully your guilty thoughts for her will lost like the pearl at the bottom of the ocean, lost in time, untraceable, only a piece of memory as a reminder.

Second, she is your best friend, again. Yeah, dis shows that to like your best friend is a good thing. One of the few taglines I often watch from movies was ‘I’d rather have you as a friend than not having you in my life at all’. You see, the truth is, whenever the bond of friendship had grow on stronger each day, you’ll see how trivial dis matter is, and dats why such feelings cant be suppressed, yeah, rejection hurts, it sucks a lot, but still, like I said, it made you stronger, and if the bond is strong, if the foundation was well built on the ground of pure friendship, love and respect, you will realize that the blade of sadness and hammer of sorrow are not sharp enough even to cut the smallest part, not even producing the slightest damage to you, and your integrity only become better. And, can’t u see that to be able to keep in touch after such awkward, embarrassing situation is already a blessing in disguise? Well, be thankful for she’s still there, maybe not all of it, but she’s still there, to guide and support you, as a friend. Yeah, it may be a huge letdown but this is life, not everything we plan in life will turn out to be the way we wanted, but then again, fate had always a better plan, and just bear dis in mind whenever you came across similar situations; that every cloud do has its silver lining.

And hopefully with dis things in mind, I hope u’ll succeed my friend, yes you, the reader who choose to spend some of your quality time when you could read other better knowledgeable material but instead you choose reading dis piece of crap, this piece of my mind, this huuuge piece of my heart, and for that, I thank you, and I pray that with God’s grace your love life, no, all aspects of your living quality will be a success, a tremendous one, hopefully, like I had always pray :-)

The Emptiest Raya I Ever Had

Assalamualaikum? Hai, Hanafiah, how’s life? How’s raya? I guess dis raya is not much worth of a celebrating eh? With all the problems around you, it made dis year’s raya kinda short, empty and meaningless, but maybe the mmost memorable by far.

Okay, like usual, few days before raya, I was tossing back and forth on the bed, being restless thinking about whatever I was thinking, about my problem, anyone’s problems, and my brother’s problem. All these stuffs get into my head, unstoppable, uncontrollable like the water flowing in the river. But neither nevertheless, all dis problems aren’t something that I can deal with, nor it’s my problem to deal with, nor that I’ve any way to solve it or perhaps it’s unsolvable only time could tell when.

So, I decided to make myself busy, with all the trivial stuff I can find, and the first thing dat I saw as I went down the stairs, the wall on the right side. This wall is full of high esthetical value graffiti, created by the most artistic graffiti painter anyone could find in the history of graffiti that is Danial Iman and his other dark sidekick, Amirul Iman, who are both my nephews.

I decided to paint the wall, and when I went outside, I saw dat old, rusty, small gate, with broken plastic letter box. I think its time to change, maybe I cant change it completely, but at least I can paint it, at least that will keep it going through during this festive season, or these hard times. I think I can do it, it’s easy I tot. Yeah it was, a little bit. After buying all the required tools, I started painting with the wall first. What made the process harder was not the procedures itself but the hardships that came from the cranky masterpiece creator, my both beloved nieces, maybe this was just some sort of test, a fasting test dat is. Iman was sulking when I scold him to take his bath and the true masterpiece creator, who is just about to rise, Fatihah Iman, the true hidden mastermind of the graffiti creation, also decided to take actions into her own small hands, haha.

Well, I finished with painting the wall, but still my mind, my heart wasn’t finished, it wasn’t completed. I don’t know what are the relevance or relation between painting the wall, the gate, and what I felt dis raya. Dis mixed up feelings; maybe it’s just that I need to ‘repaint’ my feelings back? But for now I just know I need work, I need to become busy, like other previous moments, I need my mind occupied but not with trivial matters, but things that are noticeable, that will make people at least stop and say ‘hey, it has changed, it has improved’ like those sort of things. But then again I was staring, waiting for the phone to buzz, but it didn’t. It just didn’t. Maybe it was the same on the other side of the phone, other side of the line dat is, or maybe, I was clapping single-handedly.

The next day, I painted the gate with its original color, the darkest color anyone could find in one’s heart, black. Before painting, I scrape off the dirt or any rusty part that had chipped out and wipe it with a cloth to clean off the dust or any small unwanted particles that could disrupt the painting process. After fully finished painting the following day, I went to buy the new post box, dis time it’s aluminum, not plastic. I hanged it on the gate, tied it with a string, and painted the house number, ‘306’, on the red box.

Then I rushed and prepared myself to balik kampong. I was in a hurry, but its normal to forget sometimes even the most important, crucial things when you’re rushing. As I went thru the Sg Besi toll, few kilometers after dat I remembered I had forgot to bring my baju melayu along. Damn, adoi, astaga, how could I forget? Then I told mom, and we went back to Melawati by following the UPM Serdang exit.

Well, I just hope this is the end of all this misfortunes, like i had always wished ;-)

To Overcome One's Pathetic Love Life; The Curious Case of Hanafiah Al Adiyat

Okay, haha, what the heck eh with the title, lantak la eh kan Hanafiah. I guess the main reason I put up such title was because of my final year project, it sucks....not, alhamdulillah, we're a lil bit late behind schedule, but we'll keep up, insyaAllah.


Love is blind, or so they said. Unrequited ones are like a self destructing bomb, waiting to detonate, tho it didnt usually starts an explosion, sometimes it triggers something good, something positive, a beginning of an evolution, a mutation in DNA, way of thinking and the body of the person himself, and in Hanafiah's case it evolved to an unknown species.

Before we could proceed, lets review the subject, that is Hanafiah. He's a person, an unknown one, people around him would describe him as eccentric, weird, and he's usually the target of their aggressive jokes, tho he didnt really mind. He had a pathetic love life and this is how he overcome it.

Literature Review

Since we're all diferent person, we all have different interests. Some people had their own way of dealing with this kind of problem. Certain people they ate, not only for living, or vice versa which we should not, but they also ate to forget these bad memories, some people they cried or shouted their heart out. While shouting is also a method, it usually accompanied with loud tones of music, simply said, karaoke a portmanteau of the Japanese words kara and okesutora which could derive as 'empty orchestra'. Some people prefer to be more useful and extract the energy from the sadness doing exercises and stuff, which is very good, a positive way to deal with stress, like one wouldve said, like I wouldve said.  So, in Hanafiah's case, he took up karaoke, running, and his favourite past time, (sfx on : Hanafiah made the tackle, it's not fouled, he tapped the ball, he flicked it, made a one-two, tap it past the defenders, dribble past the keeper and he SCOOOORRRRRREEEEEDDDDD, GOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!!) football..


In this mamat's case, Hanafiah had use THREE+ONE method. Okay, I'm done blabbering, next time I'll continue, if I ever ffel like doing so.

Friday, September 4, 2009

So, We Guys arent Much Different eh?

Haha, i dont know why I bother writing this, or any or my previous posts either, well Hanafiah, u're one bored person eh? Well, at least this is one of the best way to keep ur mind occupiedo rite?

So it was Monday, the 1st September 2009, the only year I felt that celebrating the Independence Day is not like any previous years; where it's usually full of Malaysian colors, cars with the national flag, the Sudirman's song can be heard anywhere, and the urge that people wanted to go to Klcc to watch the fireworks. But still, it's one of the nights I wished to remember.

That evening, around 3 p.m., I called dad, saying I cant come, I cant meet him. He had always wait, and waiting another day wouldnt hurt, i thought, hopefully. By 6 o clock I'm all set up to break fast, at SS2, God knows where dat place is for I rarely travel to dat side of this country, or any other part than Sepang and Wangsa Maju.

We went to Murni, but the restaurant was closed, so, feeling disappointed and hungry, furthermore the azan's Maghrib is almost near, we decided to go to William's, I dunt know how they got dat name, it's nothing exquisite and it's kinda pricey, but the food's worth it. I ordered spaghetti meatball, red sauce er.toamto sauce while Sufian had the cheese version, well, both of them are nice. Kaia, on the other hand was feeling unwell, with his stomachache. Ironically he was complaining about how hungry he was earlier.

Then we had our Maghrib prayer at the nearby Petronas station, I guess this was like my second time here, and we went to the Curve after. At first I was kinda reluctant to sing, wow, but undeniably, singing had always been one of my dark, hidden passion, haha. We paid 20 bucks, went into the karaoke box, and choose few songs. I let them have a run 1st, trying to pick up the mood I'd say.

Some of the sons we sang that night was
Salem-Trilogy Cinta
Seventeen-S'lalu Mengalah
Faizal Tahir-Sampai Syurga
Hattan-Memburu Cinta
Amuk-Untukmu Sayang
Spider-Mungkinkah Terjadi, Laukku Cukup Masin
Mariah Carey-Always be My Baby
Back Street Boys-I Want it That Way
Awie-Tragedi Oktober

When the time's up, it's already 10.15, or something. We went out from that building, Hafiz and Sufian grabbed something to drink, while Kaia and Teng swaited outside. Later we made our way to Sports Planet Ampang, along the way, there's few songs dat was also very er...disturbing, coincidental with my situation like James Morrison and Taylor Swift-You Belong with Me. Sufian said there may be too many people, but fortunately I was able to play. I had a good run out, no Sufian asked if I had a good run out and I thought I did, running back when counterattacked, sliding mamat dat thinks he's too skillful, kerja asyik nk tap2 je, body few players, did sum accurate pass dan skil zidane,  the adrenaline keeps on pumping, but still I considered the way I played dat night was kinda rough, it wasnt like me at all, it seems I was aggressive but stressed with sumthing else, with sumone else, but then again, I enjoyed the game, I really did. From dat game, I concluded I wanna use my body in every gameplay, making it an advantage for me, like Adam had always advised.

Then we went lepak, like usual. Kaia had a fever, and job test the following day, hopefully he'll manage. When we arrived, he slept in the car for sometime, and join us like few minutes later. It was already 1.30 o'clock and we decided to send Zhafril back to uia, he was complaining about the guard named Shukri, or Syukri? God knows what he's real name is. We send him not to the front gate, but to a nearby fence at the traffic light. He climbed the fence, and with his small body he made a leap, and vanish into the darkness.

I reached home around 2 a.m. and took my prayer. I pray terawih too, it's the only thing I can do now, the only way for me to express my real feelings to the Most Gracious.I ended up that night with few recites from the Quran. Again, these are the only things I'm capable of doing right now, i cant see any other way to sooth my heart, and for unknown, mystical, religiously reason, it really was kinda soothing. i felt more relaxed, and focused.

I slept for about an hour, before sending mak to S.Alam that morning. Tho I was very sleepy, I cant seem to bring to let her have the wheel. I reached college around 8.45 a.m., barely fortunate. Later, like usual, i was sleeping during the class session, but not along the session, maybe 30-40% of it? Haha, not the proudest moment I'd say. Then I went to the library, checking out the net and went to student centre. It was 10.30 a.m. or something and nobody was around in the Saidina Ali. I slept and waked up few times because someone turn on the fan and it was very...very cold, that I had to wear my jacket and change positions before continuing sleeping.

After Zohor, i recite few pages and find the nearest collumn, the less fan affected area and sleep again, haha. When I waked up it was already 2.45 p.m, 'damn, my class' and I saw 5 miscalls from Aqwa and a message from Qeba. I wantd to rush back to the class, but my feet was kinda numb, so I took some sweet time going back.

En. Andek was standing behind ther door, hiding, but it's not like I cant feel his presence. He said
"So, apa hukuman kita nak bagi kat dia ni?"

"Suruh dia nyanyi lagu Spider" someone interjected, Anura maybe.

I pretend to be blur, well I guees I really was and i tried to express reluctancy.
"Takpa la, kamu boleh duduk" he said smiling.

I was relieved, I dunt really need a moment of singing when I had almost use up my voice in the car this morning and last night during that karaoke.

I tried to focus in the class, since I felt really guilty for coming late, plus En Andek is a really good and interactive lecturer, plus I was copying the slides, so I dunt really hve time to doze off again. After class, again i went to Saidina Ali, took prayer and went straight to Ampang. The heavy traffic made me reach there around 7 p.m.I went to dad's house, like usual, he was alone, and like my heart, he was lonely too, I guess.

He lead me to this mamak stall nearby, the food was okay, the ane or mamak asked who am I in relating with my father. He assumed I'm his grandchild, I could only laugh and asked him how long my father had come to the shop. I had some nasi beriani, while he had the whiter version. We both ate chicken, we both ate quite comot, somehow it made me felt most people wud've said 'like father, like son'. I asked him about running, about jogging. He likes jogging too, like me. I guess it runs in the family that we are both runners, heh.

Then I told him about my story, that story, about her. He easily said
"Dont worry, u stil have lots more time to search, u're just 22, u still young and have lots more time. Just focus on getting your degree first"

"Em, you're right dad" I agreed. It's funny with such  little words from my old man, it can be very convincing and soothing.  But then I replied
"But Ive been friends with her for a long time, and i only realized it after she's gone..."

"Dont worry, u'll have lots of time"

"Okay" I said. "But I definitely want a doctor as my wife," I continued firmly.

"Thats good, so now focus on your studies first, and get a real job, u'll find someone else better"

"Hopefully la ayah, hopefully" I said and continued eating.
I sent him back home later. Before sending him back, I went to pay the bills, about RM16.40 or like that, the storekeeper asked about my name, I replied "Hanafiah" and he said "bagus lah, bagus lah" tho he didnt explained why.

I went back to Melawati, took my prayer a.s.a.p. before it's almost Isya', but I was late because I went to Al Ikhsan Ampang first. Then, I rushed to surau, I did extra that night, i don't know why, but still i skipped the witir. Like usual, I checked my phone as i E, I really wished she texted, but then I could only wish, I've gotta get used to these things, I thought again. Arggh, why was she the only one in my mind, why cant I focussed on something else? But then my mood for other things had been disrupted, I didnt watch tv, this thing had taken its toll on my interests, football matches, video games, study, I can barely concentrate in my prayers, and I cant sleep well.

Astagfirullah al Azim, astaga, astaga, i didnt know how many times i muttered that word, repeating it only to find myself to be reminded of her again. This is crazy, i've gotta move on, I thought. I didnt want to become obsessed. But then i saw the cap, the nicholas sparks' novel, and this thing keeps on worsening.

This had been going for almost since she was gone, since she rejected me. I came to a conclusion, since I can barely sleep, I might as well jog, or run, to make myself tired so that my mind would no longer think of her. Plus it's ramadhan, so its a gud thing, and I ever since dat day, i started become a nocturnal runner, with the thoughts of her and loud songs playback that accompanied my cold, windy night run.

That night I jog the normal route, except this time there was a dog attacking me, since i the songs were too loud, I didnt noticed it earlier. Fortunately that the dog only tried to scare me, and it didnt bite me, but still, my running tempo was disturbed, damn. I continued jogging, continue making myself tired hoping i wud sleep and didt ever have to think of her. but as I ran, as i increas my pace, she came into my thoughts, and i pushed myself further again. But I was glad, i really need these pain and tiredness to forget her.

The few things I really like about running, tho most people would observe me in a weird manner, is that I felt really healthy, I felt normal, alive and kicking again. It feels like I've endure something, and I've made my way to become stronger. With my condition and situation I'm into right now, the only thing I could do is run,and run and run again until exhaustion took over my mind. And most of the time, i felt more sane tahn insane, more focussed, and I can conclude better.

That night, after finishing my run, I concluded that I would stil become friends with her despite all the advice I received from people to stay away from her. I wanna be friends, and I dont wanna stay away from her, I didnt wan to throw away my friendship that I've built just because of some man took her away. She's still there, just unreachable.

I prayed again.

Ya Allah, ya tuhanku,
Sekiranya telah ditakdirkan bukan dia untuk diriku,
Sekiranya telah Engkau caturkan dia bukan milikku,
Cukuplah aku menyayanginya hanya sebagai seorang kawan, seorang sahabat,
Dan lupuskanlah dia dari sanubariku,
Dari pandangan mata hatiku,
Dan tutupkanlah pintu hatiku terhadap dia,
Seperti mana dia menutup pintu hatinya terhadapku,
Dan bukalah pintu hatiku terhadap orang lain,
Seperti mana dia membuka pintu hatinya terhadap lelaki itu,
Semoga dia berbahagia dan dijauhkan dari segala malapetaka dan kesedihan,
Aku hamba Mu yang hina Ya Allah,
dan tidak layak aku membahagiakan dia seperti lelaki itu,
berikanlah aku kekuatan,
untuk mengorak langkah dan hilangkan rasa ini dari hatiku,
dan jadikanlah aku seorang lelaki yang beriman dan tinggikanlah darjatku,
sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa, wahai Tuhan sekalian alam.
Amin ya rabbal aalamin.

After that, I went back straight to Salak Tinggi. That's the end of it, hopefully. Tonight, no, this morning I will run again and went for sahur, hopefully everything will be normal again, insyaAllah, like I've always had wanted.