Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dalam Setiap Helai Nafas Mu

Sheila On 7-Tunjukkan Padaku

Tenangkan resahku saat langkahku terasa berat
Teduhkan jiwaku saat matahari bersinar terlalu pijar
Kerana dirimu satu-satu yang kuandalkan
Saat diriku tak mampu berdiri di sini sendiri

Ceritakan Sayang
Hari-hari yang telah kau lalui
Katakanlah Sayang
Semua hal yang kau benci dari diriku

Cobalah, cobalah
Untuk mengerti keadaan ini
Aku rapuh saat kau tinggalkan

Tunjukkan padaku
Kau selalu mencintaiku
Jadilah pelindung bagi sayapku
Aku berjanji, aku berjanji
Selalu menemani langkah mu
Dalam setiap helai nafas mu

Bangunkan tidurku
Bila kau terjaga lebih dulu
Dan bertegaslah sayang kita isi makna
Indahnya hari ini  

Tunjukkan padaku
Kau selalu mencintaiku
Jadilah pelindung bagi sayapku

Aku berjanji, aku berjanji
Selalu menemani langkah mu
Dalam setiap helai nafas mu

Recent Life...After the Tide had Diminshed

Em...salam, haha, so how's life eh my friend? yeah, again it sucks eh to to see her go, but dats just life, and the pain you're feeling rite now shows that u're just human, and how wonderful God is to create such thing as hard, tough yet fragile like the human heart.

Yesterday, I had started to move on, they used to say the first cut is the deepest, yet, i felt this one stronger, I felt more pain from this one, hopefully it'll recover soon enough. So, yesterday, En Andek was teaching sumthing about the usage of vernier caliper and stuff. Usually we had to copy all the notes but due to insufficiency of projectors (teruk btul miat ni kan? duit bnyk projektor takde lak) we got the copy of the notes, since he had to print out, the class started late.

After it was like...3.30 p.m. he came in and started teaching. I was still texting her and she also complained the same, her lecturer was late and he CANCELLED the class, haha, I felt sorry for her tho, and amused, ironic too, due to the fact I felt she's so close to me yet, she's so far away beyond my reach. And I realized I felt too many things that time.

I was staring into space, En. Andek's face to be exact. I stared him for quite some time, my mind was blank, I didnt hear nor understand any word he's saying. Ionly saw his face, but my mind was somewhere else, about something else.

Suddenly he said "Hanafiah? Hanafiah? Kamu okay ke? Kamu pandang saya ni macam nak terkam saya ni, kamu okay ke?"

"Tak...tak ada apa2. Saya okay" I wished.

"Ke kamu ada nk mandrum saya ni?" he joked. I only smiled and assure him that i'm fine.

After the laughter had ease down, the class went on like usual. I wished my life could went on like usual too. Later that evening, I went for a jog at the stadium, even though it was fasting, I didnt seem to be tired, and maybe feeling excited from the music, I pushed myself again, or maybe I just need to concentrate on something else rite now. After that, I stopped by the hill and take some shots, the scenary that I had always loved so much.
Wow, it really sucks eh? No, not the laughter, it sucks to remember someone who will never be yours. I remembered in one of her messages how she wished that I and his boyfriend will become pals, I only replied that we could, tho I'm not certain with that possibility. I also said that when I have a wife, we'll come to her house and have a chit chat with his husband, She replied that I see in the future too far,'s true enough, and when the future doesnt turn out like what you're expecting, then I could only pray for the best.

That night, ater back from Terawih, I continued texting her again, yeah, texting her is like a taking drugs, i need to, i have to, i'm addicted to it, but it's painful and I cant bear the consequences. The urge, the contradiction in me is eating me up. So I ran again that night, the morning of 26 August 2009 to be exact.

It was half an hour past midnite, and I tied up my shoe lace, put on the white, fake Adidas windbreaker that I brought from Danau Kota, I've been using it for quite some time now, and tho as much as I enjoy wearing it, i realize it attracts people too, which is good for it's for safety whenever I jog at night, i need for people, drivers to notice that I'm there. The only bad thing I fel was that whenever I ran wearing this thing, I always ran with a hole in my chest, and my heart's cold, not from the night, but from the fact that I had to leave a part of my body behind.

I continued running down the hill, it was dark, only the glimpse of neon lights that accompanied me. Whenever I came across some dark, unlit route, I always thought, "Wow, this is life, sometime we're gloomed by the darkness, but sometimes we'll reach the light, the bright part of the route, but somehow if we're in the dark, we need to make effort, we need to move, so that we're free from the darkness," or something like dat.

I ran almost until Pusat Futsal Meracipta, i stopped running when I came across the big road, I stopped exactly across Shell. I jog a little bit then and due to stomachache I walked until home, if not, is not like I can run that far either, haha.

I was very tired when I reached house, and most of my friends are already asleep, I reached around 2 a.m. I did some things and went to sleep. That morning, after sahur, after Subuh, I hang my wet clothes and sleep until almost 2 o'clock in the evening, haha, not a moment to be proud of, I admit.

Then, that evening, in Aircraft Structure Repair, En. Abu Zaid did a shocking quiz, the questions was subjective but direct and easy, but since I didnt prepare, I barely able to finish it. That evening, tho I kinda felt reluctant to break fast at kedai Arab,but since everybody's going, so I decided to go. It's a gud thing tho, I can take this chance to cool my head off...or at least that's what I thought.

Along the way to the restaurant, Saba' Restaurant that is, I can't seem to bring myself to forget her. I tried to look at the scenery, but she's always on my mind., it sucked alot. But then I came to a conclusion, no, not to fight and bring her back, not that kinda things, but I decided to pray. Pray to God, that He will open up my heart, give me chance to love someone else, and I hope to only see her no more than as a friend, maybe as a sister, that is.
It was almost Maghrib, me, Haziq, Taufiq, and Farid almost reached that restaurant. There are lotsa people, it seem like a popular place, maybe of these days I'll bring mom here; I thought. We had a seat and waited for other members to come. Acong and Abusam didnt come, I dont know why.

The food was nice, it was delicious tho. I had a watermelon juice, and altogether sum up about RM15. Well, it was kinda worth it, I didnt had the money to pay, haha, so I borrowed from Farid. Thanks.

From the left is Naqib Ali, Azuan Shah and Muiz Che Azmi, they're all good, and respectable person :-)
After we ate, we went for Maghrib at nearby Petronas, and went to Alamanda. Going to Alamanda was one of the bad decision we've ever made. It's not like we did anything other than eating chocotop. The're no movies to watch, so we decided to go back home, and hit the bed.

Wow, it's been quite sometime already eh Hanafiah? I often thought that if I could turn time back, at least maybe for a month, I could change all this painful facts, I can turn the sorrow and grief into happiness and joy, I can at least feel something rather than shivering cold and emptiness.

But like my father, like I had always been, it's already too late. Well, Tuhan itu Maha Kaya, He is Merciful and this is one of His ways testing my faith, not like I've any rights questioning His decisions, I know that all this happened for a reason, and may I'll matured from this experiences and become a better servant, a better human, like I've always had prayed.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Evolving the Miserable, Pathetic Run to a Nocturnal Runner

In this post, I include some of my shots that I had taken this past week. Reality sucks, but God’s wonder never will; in fact it was a good reflection, a good way to distress for all the things that had happened.
I’ve decided from today onwards, with God’s grace I will try to…

• Become a better muslim
• Study very hard, and achieve my ambition
• Run farther
• Play football, futsal more
• Learn to play an instrument, guitar hopefully
• Learn foreign language
• Learn how to utilize the E520 properly, use it to the full extent
• Learn swimming
• Make friends with lotsa people
• Become more matured, and relaxed
• Pursue ‘the one’.

Okay, this morning, I’ve decided I will run again, yeah, I know it’s crazy, the surroundings are dark, it’s chilly, like the inner part of my body, it's cold, the only protection i had was the windbreaker, and my shirt.

I ran hard that night, er... Monday morning, and it was 3.30 a.m. when I went out, I went through my normal route, but dis time I didnt actually last long like the previous run, but i managed to keep on running back home with few stops here and there. When I almost reached home, I took a detour, a slightly farther than just go back home, I looped around the school,it was raining a little, but I dont mind, I pushed myself hard, and fast enough,hoping it was enough to leave all the painful sour memory I had. The wind blew harder,and it made the tiny raindrops slammed onto my face as I ran. This is crazy, I thought, but I need to, I need to mark the end, the end to my miserable week, and to the beginning of my promising, bright future, hopefully.

And now here I am, looks like some few things that I picked up from this experience is dat I started to run during night more often; a nocturnal runner one would've say.

Well, whatever it is, may I find the happiness, the most beautiful destination to end my run, and hopefully it will become the best thing that could ever happen to me,I pray that it'll come true, and come to some sort of konklusi diri,like i've always had wished :-)

This is It, Huh?

So, it’s almost fasting time eh? In fact, by the time I’m writing this, it’s almost like…2-3 hours before the first day of Ramadhan starts. Life sucks recently, it sucked big time, big time baby. Stil, I guess you can find it hard to sleep with all these hard things unresolved. And this is just what I’m trying to do, making myself busy with trivial matters, and finding ways to keep my mind occupied before sleeping.

Hanafiah, life sucks eh recently? I guess the only good news you had was from En. Khairul Dahri this week, was about the SHM equipment that Cik Mariana borrowed from UPM. Yeah, that was kinda lucky news non? Rather than pressing your head against the wall doing the analysis, mathlab, simulink, etc, u'd be able to actually run the experiment, do your own test and dont have to use anyone's data, alhamdulillah. I hope you could finish your final year project, graduate, achieve your ambition and get married with the one you love, but who? Well that is another answer that only fate can find in its unpredictable store.

So, recently I give myself a thought, an advice that I concluded from all the perspectives of my friends, my mother, Bang Icam, and perhaps some that I came across it coincidentally. Yeah, I was a loser, a selfish one indeed. I was so selfish that my selfishness clouded my judgment, I was so egoistic that it blurry my vision of wisdom, I was about to throw away the friendship that I built almost 4 years, and I’ve said things that are so out of my character; no wonder people are laughing, no wonder she felt amused.

Some people said…
“It’s not your fault that you realized that you liked her after she had gone for the flower of love blooms unpredictably, in your case, it bloomed after she had gone.”

Some people say another thing…
“C’mon man, fight for her, you can do this, go and win her back! Don’t give up, never give in, and make that attempt before you’ll regret it”

But most of them said…
“When you liked someone, it doesn’t mean that she should also have the mutual feelings. You loved her, but she’s fallen in love with another guy, so learn to make sacrifice, learn to not be selfish, give it up for her happiness, and may God find other happiness for you.”

Bang Icam advised me to fight, and never let that girl go, ‘fight for the one you really care’, he said. And I guess I don’t really care about her, no; that was a lie, I thought why should I make a move when I had my chances earlier, I’ve confessed and she replied that she only saw me as a friend, a friend and that’s it. She was happy and in love, I’m not going to make it any more difficult for her. So that evening, I texted her, yeah, I know I shudn’t had to, but I cant just throw away my friendship, or at least that’s what I thought, I just hope that all the things that I said and selfish acts didn’t destroy the bonds between us. Haha, I’m sure atuk would’ve said “Hai, apa ni, cakap tak serupa bikin?” and he would laugh, showing his yellow teeth due to his increasing age and seldom brushing. God bless his soul. I just hope that my attempts will bring back this friendship to its normal state.

I guess, the only thing I could do now is to move on, with every last shard of energy that I can hold on to, and push myself forward, even I could go only a slightly slower than a snail can move. Hai Fatin, kau membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi, haha. I guess becos of this that I consulted my mom to sign me up for the organ donor. But I guess, will sign up for that organ donor, but not now. Maybe the metaphor behind dis was that I felt that a part of my body was missing, haha. This is a great lesson. Human’s heart can change. My heart can change. And it HAD. It’s changing was unpredictable. And for one last time I hope it could change for someone that can change her heart for my sake, and when that happens hopefully it’ll last for eternity.

Alhamdulillah, the pain had eased, but like I said, a part of me had been taken; I felt hollow and cold.

I’ll try to be more relaxed next time. Should’ve cooled off a bit, my confession; it was hasty, cranky, immature, not masculine but I’m reaaaaallllly glad I did it; no more regrets. Thank you God.

I could only wish for the best, and pray like I’ve always had.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ending These Things

Em, I guess dis could be like the last episode in this unwanted dark, sad, waning and somber trilogy of my life, at least for now. So, today, I had a talk with her, yeah, her, wow, receiving her text really psyched me up, yesterday I was really depressed, I refrain myself from contacting her tho I really waited for her messages, every minute I was like looking at the phone, or keep the phone where I can heard its incoming message ringtone, I cant sleep well thinking abt her, I thought abt lots of things, I even decided to go to hotel Maya to meet that guy, I muttered ‘astaga’ like hundred times, maybe even more, I try to find tranquility in doing religious work, but stil, my efforts were in vein, probably I’m not much that religious in the first place. But stil, dis is God’s work, and I’m certain that under every dark cloud, lays a silver lining.

So I built up my courage, texted her, and asked if I could give her a call, after she replied, I immediately called her as I got home. I was riding uncle Qeba’s motor dat morning to miat. I called her, I asked her, is it any possibilities for her to be with me, did she by any chance had the slightest shard of love or like me a bit?
And the reply was very painful.

“But I’ve loved him, I know it’s kinda fast, but I loved him”

“About you, I liked you but as a friend…”

That’s the killer sentence, ‘as a friend…’ which lethal enough to send you back on the reality ground.

So she asked me what I was expecting to be with her in the future.
I said I wanted her to be my bride, I would’ve wanted to marry her if I could, if I have what it takes right now, but I’m stil studying, and unprepared. But all that excuses now are pointless.

I’ve said dat I like her, ‘wow, it’s really hard to say you like someone eh?’ I soliloquized, but those words only remain words, and it was already too late and I realized that by her words too, I’m fighting a losing battle. Human’s feelings can’t be easily undone, right?

Or something like dat, it was too painful to remember. Then, she gave my phone number to dat man, Darsuno, because it’s easier to call rather than meeting him bcos he’s busy. I dunt mind, I wanna ask dat man something too.
Later in the evening, when I go to the library to print some En. Abu Zaid’s assignments about the Boeing 727 alignment checks if I’m not mistaken, I received that guy’s call. Like any other guy who his girlfriend had been disturbed was talking to me in slightly aggressive, rude voice, except no derogatory.
He said

Sya dgr bnyk bnda awak tk puas hati dgn saya ni, kata saya macam2 la, saya ni Banquet Manager, saya nk sapu mana2 perempuan saya boleh, saya biasa je dngn diorng ni, ntah mcm mana satu hari tu saya nampak kawan awak, saya tgk ada peluang, saya pun sapu je la

‘Banquet manager? Sapu?’

So perplexedly I asked
Awak ni betul2 serius ke dgn kawan saya?

He said
Saya ni umur dah dua puluh tujuh, tkda masa nk main2 lagi, kalau saya tk serius, takkan saya sanggup nk jumpa mak bapak dia. Maafla saya ni kasar sikit, tapi saya ni dah lama kerja hotel, jadi ayat memang kasar la

And I asked again…
Awak betul2 sukakan dia?

His answer was…
Kalau saya suka dia saya tkkan la buat macam ni semua, saya ni sibuk, saya dulu dah pernah putus tunang, saya dah tak da masa nk main-main

Yeah, I realized he was right, I couldn’t agree more, my friend, she really-really liked him, no, she LOVED him, why cant I be happy for her? Why shud I disrupt this relationship? What am I doing here? Ruining my only female best friend’s happiness? He could be ‘the one’ for her, after spending all these times with her only now I’m saying this? After her love had been sowed by dat man only I’m saying this? Human’s feelings can’t be undone, and so is her feelings. Wow, I REALLY AM A SELFISH JERK, but accepting reality hurts me a lot, I hated it, I hated that fact I’m losing her, I’ll never be by her side, I’ll never be there for her again, never be, never will.

Then he continued.
Laki ni kena la rilek, kita ni laki, cuba jadi berani sikit”
Berani? Rileks
? Oh…she said the same thing back then. “Dia mmg berani la, dia memg berani la

I was speechless.

He added
So kita kira ok la ni? lepas ni awak jangan la ganggu dia ke apa ke, call ke…

I snapped and said
Tak, saya tak akan call dia lagi, awak jangan risau. Maaf la sebab menyusahkan, dan terima kasih” yeah, maybe it was my ego, maybe my pride was scratched, she was right; he’s a nice man, at least dats what he said about himself; but I cant contact her again.

After dat I called mom, asked her to pick me up in the evening, I cant seem to get my mind straight, what a blow of reality hitting directly at my face, I thought.

Going back home dat day was the most right thing to do, when mak arrived, I hug her, she knew me very well to know I have a problem. We talked a lot in the car. I told her how fool I am taking her for granted, and my mom talked about why I didn’t commit, she would’ve wanted to meet her, I talked about how not prepared I am, dat I’m still studying and I cant give the luxury that a working person could, I talked about how not committed I am to her, how it’s my fault that all these happens, and we talked a lot. My mom was consoling me dat I’ll find someone else better, I don’t know; I said, she also consoled me by saying that it was a right decision for me to not to make a commitment since I’m still studying and to ask someone out could stil a major financial problem tho I know dis wudnt had happened if I had confessed earlier.

I reached home late, I even missed the maghrib prayer along the journey back home,it was because mom had to go to Setapak for a while. After I reached home, the azan Isya’ were heard, so I put my thing in the room, take wudhu’ and go to the surau.

After Isya’ I qada’ the Maghrib prayer, and after that followed by 2 rakaat’ Sembahyang sunat. Usually every last rakaat, in the last sujud, I wud pray…

Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa ......................... dan dosa muslimin muslimat sekaliannya, dan jodohkanlah aku .......................”

But that sembahyang sunat after Isya’ was followed by how much I hope for her happiness in life, how she will not marry the wrong person, how she will be happy with Darsuno, how she will be recovered from her serious headache or migraine, how her right ear could be able to hear properly again, how she will have no regrets choosing that guy over me, how she will lead a happy life with Darsuno and have great kids with him. As I choose these prayers for her, my cheeks are wet, and I can felt tears flowing, it had already been wet this few days whenever I reach the last rakaat of my prayer. I didn’t tell this to her, she once said she disliked guys crying and sulking, well, I guess that’s manly for her, and I am just no manly enough.

I also prayed…
Ya Allah, ya tuhanku, sekiranya dia bukan tercipta untukku, sekiranya dia bukan jodohku, maka lupuskanlah dia dari sanubariku, dari ingatan dan pandanganku, Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku sangat terseksa Ya Allah, aku sangat sakit Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau uji aku dengan ujian yang tidak dapat aku lalui, sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa, lagi Maha Mengasihani. Ampunkanlah dosa sahabatku dan berkatilah kasihnya, semoga dia bahagia dan gembira disampingnya, aku sangat hina Ya Allah, tidak akan aku dapat memberikan apa yang dapat diberikan oleh lelaki itu, dan aku tidak layak mendapatkan kasih perempuan sebaiknya, dan oleh itu ya Allah, tolonglah sahabatku ini, jauhkan dia dari malapetaka dan penyakit yang tidak diingini, semoga dia berbahagia di dunia dan di akhirat. Amin ya rabbal aalamin.

After finished my self-rehabilitation in the mosque which helped a lot, along with my mother’s therapy session in the car earlier, I seem to feel more fine, but still my legs, my legs they’re kinda trembling and weak, maybe it felt that way because realizing the fact that sooner or later I’m gonna loose her. Well, I decided to go for a run, for a jog. I started jogging around 11 p.m. and arrived home about 12 a.m.

Still, after finished running, my legs seem to be okay, but my mind’s still thinking about her. So I decided to take pictures in Kuala Lumpur, some of the shots were blurry, but some were not, it’s because I learned the some of the camera’s new function. Whenever I pass by GH, my mind seems to think about her, and my body felt a cold shiver, I just hoped this wouldn’t last long for I will be here for quite some time in the future when I run some errands for mom. That night, I cant sleep, and I wrote this, I wrote it as a reference, as a journal, as a guide to make me remember how not to take the woman you liked for granted, how to treat her well, how to not loose a diamond that you should‘ve been grasp, as a lesson not to repeat this again. And, for how many times these past few days, while I wrote this, the tears rolled down on my cheek.

Later in the morning, mak consoled me again, she really made me realized, she said to stop contacting her if it makes me miserable and she’ll help me find someone else. Someone else? I don’t know, hopefully. She said to me to let her go, and have pride and dignity, be a man, get a proper job and you can marry anyone you wanted, she said. I hugged her, kissed her on the cheeks and thanked her for all the acvise she gave. It's funny that I console this kind of matters from a woman, not from a dad, well, it's a no wonder tho, because she had been both since i was born. Yeah, hopefully, again I thought. I will become a better person, I promised.

Well, I will try not to contact you again for I’ve deleted your number and I’ve said the same thing to that man, maybe after things had settled down I’ll come and see you again, but only time will tell when dat’ll happen, I will move on first, and with God’s grace I hope we’ll have a brighter future lies ahead, I hope you’ll be happy and may not the slightest sense of regret will dwell in your heart, I will always love you my friend, you’ll always be in my prayer, like you’ve always had:-)

Monday, August 17, 2009

Thank You for Everything

Ok, here is a picture. I am indeed speechless, but hey, picture's worth a thousand words.

Back then, in form 2, i was sitting in front, the 1st row,near the window and corridor,at that time, but often I look back and saw her face. I thought 'sapa ni? tak pernah nampak pun?' but then when i was in form 3 I usually go at the back of the class, and I'd stare her for few seconds and i know that she'll affect my life in the future,and now, here it comes, but then, it was already too late.

I'm already too late to make amends, already too late to gather my courage and already too late. I really wished I cud've taken your picture more, and now getting the slr camera seems pointless. It's funny too that tho we're (used to be) best friend, I didnt have many of your pictures. If there's anything I wud like to do before you go anymore further, is to take more of your pictures and give you a bouquet of flowers, but I guess it's already too late.

That night, I borrowed motor from uncle Keba, and rode the motor up the hill,and took this picture. All of my other shots were blurry, and for I dont know how many times, I felt the tears falling through.

These few years, my life sucked a lot, but you've become my sunshine and made all the dark clouds go away, i didnt realize that, and I took you for granted,it's really my loss, and i'm facing the consequences. It sucks eh to not know that you really love someone only after when she or he is gone.

Now that she's gone, I felt a huge part of my body was taken, I felt hollow, miserable and painful, but your happiness is my first priority. I tried to make myself busy with trivial matters, but i could never lie to myself, so I was very relieved for what I did.

I could only pray the best for you friends, and I'll try to keep my distance if it requires, if that's for the best interest of both parties, not because I hate you, but its the other way around; seeing you walking the aisle with someone else, while used to have strong sense of emotion that could never, ever be released could just bottling up to an unwanted pain in my heart.

I will run further, and improve myself, and hopefully I'll find another better destination to end this. Adalah penting untuk kita bersangka baik dengan ketentuan Allah.

When the time comes, like every tears that fall through, every anger and pain that can't never be vent out, these will vanish and disappears just like the cold wind sweeping every drops of the sweat and tears.I can't thank you enough, I'm speechless,and feeling awkward right now, but I will still always pray for you and you will always be my best friend, like you've always had.

ps: revised and edited in Andrew Ure Hall, Parsonage Row, High Street, Glassgow for the purpose of making sure any respective person remains anonymous.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Running and Its Metaphor

Running eh? I dunno why I bother writing this, it’s not like anybody’s gonna read it, but stil, like my other posts, hopefully it will remind me one of the enjoyable times or what I once felt. Em, I dunno when I started to like to run, there’re lotsa times when it ignites my passion to do so, during Japanese serial dramas dat I borrowed from Sufian, or maybe from the Forest Gump, or maybe whenever I heard some genre of songs (Jrock, Jpop, emo, rock, etc), maybe since I enrolled into Khidmat Negara, or maybe it started ever since I was in primary school.

The few things I really like about running is the cool breeze that blew softly into my face, the dirt and terrain I’m running, the scenery of the Almighty’s creation and the perplexing face of it dwellers, the smile they replied whenever I pass them by, the cerulean blue skies, the sensation of pushing myself while hearing some inspiring music and the most important is the panting, the gasping for oxygen whenever I end my run, the sign that I’m alive and kickin’! :-) All these are the crucial factors that burned my passion.

Running, for me, it WAS a form of exercise. Back then, in PLKN, I really hate the fact that I was enlisted in the programme, so the 1st day I went there, I decided to rip all the goodness this program can provide me. I started doing sit-ups, exercise like hell, day and night; well…consider it as the time to play, since SPM was just over. Nothing to care about, only the fear of knowing ur SPM results, which turned up a pretty much an expected sour memory, haha

But now, like Haruki Murakami-san, the running novelist, running is not just a form of exercise, but it’s also some sort of a metaphor. For me, I realize that I could improve, and progress, to become a better person. My life didn’t suck, I made it dat way, I choose to be dat way, and I’m utterly to blame la kan? (Sesungguhnya setiap yang baik itu dari Yang Maha Esa, dan setiap keburukan itu datangnya dari kelemahan kita sendiri)

So, by running, I always remind myself to push, and push, and push again. Back then, when I’m stil like er..90+ kg or sumthing, I pushed myself further whenever I jog. I said “c’mon Hanafiah, u can do this, u can do this!” and life was pretty much sucks back then when u started, people said dis, and dat, not to mention dat ur mom is trying to add it, not by the bad talk tho, but by her delicious, large amount of cooking, haha. I was always like “ adoi, ni mesti masak lemak tu lagi la ni” or “this is one hell of a curry!”. But most of the time I was like “lari, lari lagi, c’mon, paksa diri sikit!” and somewhere between the evolution of a fat boy, loser and a nerd without the knowledge to someone who I am today an average Joe, I started to murmur “c’mon Hanafiah, u can do dis! Dun’t u wanna improve ur lifestyle? The way you feel? U may not be able to improve urself financially or your unhandsome face, u may not clever, but u can do this. Other people are working their ass of hardly, early in the morning, and u just wanna sit there? Ur mom, look, even at the age 62 she can go very far, what about u? U’re a loser, and u will always be if u can’t make it” or os I said. Oh, when I said ‘my mom can very go far’, it really meant she can go very far, until Shah Alam from Melawati, with car dat is, haha.
Frankly, like Haruki-san too, whatever came in my mind during these times isn’t much worth mentioning except for certain things, but this is why it had become a metaphor for me, the reason I strive. And later, I found myself browsing the Runner’s World mag, started to check out the jogging shoes, and preparing my music list during the jog.

Other than that, I ran sometimes to forget things, to loose all the pain in my heart that stuck on my chest, but still, from my previous experiences no amount of sweat, or distance that could make one's mind free from the excruciating pain of the heart. Only that pain, become some sort of drugs to prevent fatigue and it'll become like some sort of motivation to push yourself further. Usually, I'd always told myself to run away from that pain, yet, it's still there. For such pain that involves heart, only time is the best cure.

When I wrote this, I manage to run, or jog, at least until Wangsa Maju, following the normal route thru rumah Daim. I dunno how far, but I’m pretty much psyched up, haha. Now, I found myself excited with all new route, new terrains, the last time, I manage to follow until Permata, or somewhere near Keramat, near her house, yes, HER house (I’m not telling who she is). I dunno why, ever since I started running, I found myself tried to finish somewhere near her house. Maybe I was hoping I would bump onto her, or accidentally fell in front of her house, but unfortunately I was never lucky enough. So, when I saw Hidayat near the traffic light, he said “Ko pergi mana dowh?” Ha? Ko pergi mana tu? Dah la, hentikan je la, mcm stalker dow” so I was like ‘erkk’, he hit the right spot. Haha, it’s not like dat was the first time anyone would say, but before this I always said it before my friend gave out that statement.

And this shoe, this shoe had taken me very far. Haha, it’s supposed to be a futsal shoe, despite its worn out looks, it had served me well, a great tool, and a great friend. I think I will be using it for quite some time more. Ive been using this shoe for lots of purposes, during my restless night run, during the lowest self esteem i've ever had in life and lots more. I managed to reach her house using it, and Fatin's house too, thanks a lot Acuna.

I guess it’s time I’m changing route, continue moving on, continue improving, and that’s just the few aspects of life I had to live with, and hopefully time will heal all these scars away. I will improve myself, I will run with the wind blowing across me, leaving the footprints on the pavements, my sweat overflowing until one no longer able to differentiate between sweat and tears, and i'll run during the day or night, or anytime I felt like running, I will run anywhere this feet will take me, and with God’s grace, may I find the most beautiful destination to end my run, and may it’ll be the same for you too.
Like I’ve always had :)

The Running of Sorrow, Grief and Regrets

Em…okay, dis is something I’ve to jot down, I’ve to, it’s one of the most few memories I’d refuse to forget. On dis day, that is the night of 15 August and early morning of 16 August 2009 I dunno why, I refused to sleep, I decided at 3 a.m. I wud go for a run, considering the pace I’m going.

The reason I did this because I felt … empty? I’m not sure, lost maybe? But whatever it is, I was uncertain what I felt at that time, I know that my chest kinda stuck with something indescribable yet it felt hollow somehow, and later it develop into an emotional pain, the only medicine I had was the tears that flowing unstoppably down my cheek when I was driving to City Bazaar to repair the Dreamcast and during the final rakaat of my Isya’ prayer.

I guess looks like I’ve lost it again, the diamond that I shud’ve held, shud’ve grasped firmly, for the second time maybe? During the run, I can’t really describe what I was thinking, why did I made that decision to run at 3 a.m. in the morning, I can feel that the drivers or motorcyclist was staring weirdly, but I tried to ignore them. Then, perhaps the most challenging part is sometimes when u heard the dog’s bark (luckily I turned on my mp3 player quite high, unlike my 1st time running during night) and the sudden chill that struck you, as if someone, maybe something is right behind you. I dunno whether I was super curiously brave or just playing dumb, I often looked behind, and it was always a relief, this was ridiculous excruciating, but this is good, it’s one of the few medicines I need, at least for now. It took me quite 9-10 years to forget someone last time; I wonder how long it’ll take to recover for this one?

I ran, and ran again, not certain why the heck I did that, why did I made the decision, I know I must do it, I must do it to forget her, let the overflowing sweat cooled off my fire-scratched heart and the agonizing pain to forget the pain from the scar hopefully. Well, I guess dis is it then, life’s full of possibilities and changes, sometimes it can be as slow as a tortoise, yet it can become abruptly fast like lightning, and dis time around, I’m just not ready yet to face the change, at least not until I’ve finished the run.

Then later in the morning, I went for a run again in Titiwangsa, still, the feelings didnt go away. I ran harder, and tried to push myself further,until one couldnt differentiate between the sweat and tears, but why it didnt go away? i wear myself out, felt every bit of pain in every part of my body, yet the pain in my chest is the hardest. Later, when i got home, i broke again until fallen asleep.

Yeah, it was a short distance, it wasn’t far, but I’m glad I started that run. And to you my dearest friend, even if you're beyond my reach or we barely keep in touch again, u'll always be my best friend, at least that's the best I can do, for I'd rather have you as my friend then not having you in my life at all, tho the consequences, the pain is barely tolerable and unimaginable.

Remember that I’ll always…always pray for your best, and hope that u’ll be blessed with great success and great love, amin. This run, I wonder how long it'll take. We'll always become best friends like we've always had :-)