Eid Al Adha

I cant sleep yet, my mind's kinda wandering for sum unknown reason, like always. Nevertheless, it often tells me to sleep. It? Yeah, my body, yet my mind urges to keep on striking this dusty old Compaq keyboard laptop.

Eid Al Adha is around the corner, and I admit, having to come here for only like a month or so, had made me miss home, even more, especially considering that I never actually, technically leave home as long as I would now, thus this feelings kinda developing and starts to ripped my sanity, only I choose to suppress it and keep it aside, as long as I could. This feelings, the sense of loneliness doesnt really occur when u're in the classroom, or when u're doing your assignment, but as soon as the pitch black of the dark night comes creeping in, and the surrounding seems to be quiet, sumtimes it too quiet but just the moment that it gets to the freaky stage, BAM! your next door roomate, your flatmate came knocking to your door, oblivious of his actions and start to sing sum unknown song in sum foreign language, an alienated sound to your ear, but still convincing enough to know that he doesnt realize what the heck he was saying or doing all along. When this situation kicks in, and all of the necessary factors, igniters, falls into its rightful place, the sense of loneliness and homesick sparked, depends on the windy direction of moodswings, it can burst up to one powerful flame, a flame that rhetorically speaking, is not able to light up all the fire emergency alarm or trigger any smoke detectors.

Life's kinda busy, but that keeps me going. Assignment keeps me going...not really, haha. Recently, I have this  aspiration, and sum sort of idea, and sum other things.

Chill kids, I'm fine, no worries, I will always love you guys, like I always had :-)

The Few Little Things that Transcend Death

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Yeah, I just went back from a friend's birthday party. Yeah, it was really fun, and not to mention there's delicious foods as well. Yeah, happy besday to aunty Syifaa, yeah, I will introduce you guys to her, and the rest of the gang, uncle hazwan, safwan, ridhwan, then there's another uncle safwan, haha, and also not to forget the religious, pious uncle faiz. Oh, by the way I started my day with coming late to an appointment because i was stuck in the bathroom with broken door knob. So, I had to jump from the window, onto the bushes, half naked, with 3-4 degree Celsius in the environment, I ran quickly as I could. But enough on dat, just like the mood of vacation, and having to just went home from a birthday party had made me thinking, about few things.

In life, there are things that I hold on the most, and among these few things dat I held above others; one of them would be integrity, and sincerity. These principles, that I had been holding on for so long, that made me running thru thick and thin, despite all the negativity it occurs of implementing it, I daresay, that Im not fairest of all in this context, there are times I hold back, and I let negativity swoops in. However, having strong feeling for your set of principles, believe and continue holding onto em, no matter how harsh the situations or conditions are against it,even having the world against your set of beliefs, even the tides doesnt favor your way; if you continue holding on to em under this situation, you're already a man, my beloved kids. And these are the principles that your great grandpa had instilled into me, indirectly, ever since I was a kid.

You see, having to grow up without a father figure, I had definitely rely on these two people in accommodating the psychological need of a person called father; these are the guys that was my father-figure to me, in the early days of my life.

So, I had always remember few taglines from my grandpa, from atuk korang. This happened when I was in standard one, aged seven years old and I just came back from school in the middle of ramadhan, the fasting month. Came back from the school, I ran to the kitchen, opened up the refrigerator and check if there's any food under the tudung saji. Yeah, I didn't fast back then, haha, hell no, you guys arent gonna get the same luxury I had, not fair? suck it up, im ur father after all, haha. Neway, I was sitting on the chair, and your grandpa, he will come.

"Haa, tak puasa"
"Adik puasa separuh hari la tuk"
"Mana boleh puasa separuh-sparuh, puasa kena penuh"
"Tak tahan la tuk, penat lari, balik skolah lapa dah"
*sambil tersenyum* "puasa memang la lapa, semalam kata nak puasa,"
*terus makan*
"tau tak ni orang india cakap apa?"
"apa tuk?"
"cakap tak serupa bikin" *sambil tersenyum

"Cakap tak serupa bikin" and I want you guys too, to remember this phrase, until the day you die. Your words are who you are, and never, ever be someone whom his words can't be trusted, never be someone who may say something, but acted totally different just to accommodate and fulfill his own negative agenda. If you are not able to say things dat you are not sure of, not ever being able to guarantee that you will act out to what you say, never in the slightest sane mind thought of saying anything, for people will claim all your words back, and they will quote the things, each single words that you said, and if you had acted differently people will lost faith, trust and will act differently. You will loose respect, and you relationship may never be the same. 

I had a friend, and he was doing the same thing. No, I didnt despise him or anything, i didnt hate him, but i think it's best if I just keep a certain space, because even though he's a friend, but things are no longer the same, ever. I just couldn't let myself to believe him, not anymore.

It's funny though, remembering my grandfather, in a foreign land. Never I thought I was able to come this far, it was of my slightest intention. I will make him proud, I will. Al-Fatihah to my grandfather, Haji Abdul Kadir bin Yunus, may he rest in peace. For all the things he did, all the principles and beliefs he sow deep in me, and all the religious teachings he taught, I can't thank him enough.

And never loose faith on me, as I will continue having faith on the great person you guys will be. I will love you guys, like I always had :-)

It's Windy...Like Your Mom

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Recently the weather's been reaaaaallly unstable, yeah and I rarely see the sun, and even if it were to appear, it was only for a while, for brief second. I do miss Malaysia, and the weather, I do miss the seeing the white fluffy clouds, and the feeling of bright, warm glittering ray on the western hemisphere whenever the sun sets.

Recently, on Thursday this week, which technically yesterday; my class was cancelled, because of the heavy gust of wind that reached about 90-80 mph. That's like reallly freaking fast, and standing in the middle of the road will definitely get you flown away if you're too skinny that is.

So, as I was in the middle of the street, feeling the wind breeze blew against me, it was harsh, hard, strong in lots of ways that I may not be able to describe it, maybe not right now with my limited vocabulary that is.

By the wind, I realized too, the empty hollow deep in the corner of my heart, beyond reach of light; and at some point, ironically u just want to be alone, and I felt that. I saw people passing by, walking up and down the streets, with heavy, thick sweaters and windbreakers as they pave their way on the wet, dark parchment of the road that endangers the pedestrian due to its slippery condition that was caused by the snow few days earlier. Seeing them, juggling between all these things, these criteria that is beyond their control, I realized too, that we may not be able to control the variables, the external factor that had been put or implemented upon us, but however, with God's grace, we can determine the factors, and the output of every effort that we put on, given that we put in enough inputs and allocating certain sufficient amount of effort.

So, when I feel the harsh wind, or the calm breeze on top of the high street (its a name of a road, yeah, pretty much ironic yet pun intended) I just don't know why but I just felt like it; like a woman;the wind is like a women, like any woman that had come into my life, the ones that had gone and still remained here. Nevertheless, like the last line from the last scene of a movie called 'A Walk to Remember' which was an adaptation from a novel, "her love is like the wind, I can's see her, but I can feel it" and I believed that's one of the true things in life. Women's love is like a wind, and guys are like wind turbines that continues to rotate to generate electricity. I am running out of words tho, there's no way winging it, but as much as I want to start propelling, to start generating something positive and contribute, environment and society; there are few things I need to improve, and certain things need to be accomplished, for there are other things that currently really, really matters to me.

Your mum, is a really-really great person. If I were to be successful one day in whatever I will be, for all the good things and great memories, for all these things to come, she will be my wind.

I will love you guys, like I always had.

Coffee and Dark Chocolate

Assalamualaikum. Ayah suka minum kopi, susu, dan dark chocolate, dan these little things make me happy (ke hyper?) even for a short while, masyaAllah.

Ya Allah, walaupun kegembiraan ini hanya sementara, ayah berharap semoga ia lebih kerap hadir dalam hidup kita.

Sayang korang dan dont be a caffeine addict, like I always had :-/

Speechyless Thoughts

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Hmmm, i am pretty speechless tonight. for there are too many things been bottling up my mind, thus I can see why being clairvoyance was one of the traits I can hardly acquire. Nevertheless, thank God for all the insights and perspective He had bestowed upon me, for all these perspectives are the few little things that made me separated apart from other people, thus I finally able to distinguish myself in quite a unique, perplexing way that may beyond the thinking of my brain capacity few years ago. I can now hold my head up high, and being able to walk on the path that I wanted, tho I admit the road, the end of this journey may have a doubtful ending; however I am determined to see it through until the end.

I will love you guys like I always had :-)))

Snow, Life and Heart are Inter-Related

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? I am feeling kinda sentimental tonight, maybe it's because the over dosage of caffeine  I suppose, nevertheless, im writing tonight (or early morning?) solely because it's snowing outside.

Yeah, it snows, why it's a big deal to me?Hmm, probably because Ive been living in Malaysia my whole life and I never, ever had the chance to fully experience one of God's wonders that beyond the capability of men; yeah, there may be sum sort of artificial snow in Genting, but it's not the same; for human creation always has its flaws and errors.

Snow, being very beautiful and scenic, is pretty much coold to begin with. The fact that I was shivering strongly even with the heater turned on gave me quite a headache, pretty much stirs up the reason to not ever coming here again. You see, back then in Malaysia, I was never good with cold things, I literally hate cold; and I dint know why. I don't drink cold drinks and my room is pretty much hot and any friends that came would definitely sweat, except me dat is. My body had been adapting to this kind of temperature for quite some time. And ironically, unbeknownst to my sane mind, I had choose Glasgow to further my studies. Not being able to cope up with this extreme weather definitely had taken its toll on me for few weeks, but as I started to play football almost 2 hours every week, and having to walk to classes and SUMSA (Strathclyde University Muslim Student Association) place for prayers, definitely had strengthen my body and had made me become more comfortable with the current weather.

The first few things that I realized about snow is that it's beautiful and yet simple; because the fact is that snow is just a collective of water, transformed and hardened into ice and falls down to earth; but God had made it soo beautiful that it perfected, thus it gave us an idea that even such simplest thing, if were to be acting on a huge amount, on much larger scale, it can be very graceful and captivating, so beautiful as well being breath-taking to any naive, humble and simplistic yet touching the heart to the eyes of beholder.

People had asked me "seronok main snow?" and I'd rather say not for I am enjoying this alone. It was kinda lonely to be witnessing something reaaaally-really great and awesome as this by yourself. God's best wonders in the world are not meant to be watched and gasped for your eyes only. It takes friends, and family members to share these experiences. I never liked being alone, I never did. It sucks, big time. The snow is not alone as well, when it fell on the surface of the earth, it comes in large bundle, a huge amount of quantity that becomes so beautiful and could cause impact and affect people's hearts, affecting enough for them to get out from their cozy warmness of the blanket and hot, expensive, money-draining heater to be showered and emblazoned with cold in the middle of the night; thus i concluded it is affecting enough to touch other people's hearts. I wanna be like snow too, I want to make impact on the world, to be successful, not alone, but having my friends and companions fighting on the same path to success, and we will become a role models, and example to each one and another; to be more successful in life; and I want to do this, together, like snow.

I realized, one of the significance of having snow showering this humble earth is a sign to human, a lesson for men, and a great reflection on our daily life. You see, life and snow is pretty much inter related; for hardships and obstacles that we face in life is like the cold that nobody wanted, and it's kinda suck to have to undergo all these for the target we wanted to acquire; and snow, is pretty much the success, the beauty of achieving something we desired sooo long and the cold, or obstacles only made our victory much sweeter.The good things in life, the better and the best is yet to come, but there's always a price that we must pay, and effort we have to show, something that we must give away in order to feel whatever the good things we wanna feel.

Kids, I wills study hard, hopefully. I will always love you guys like I always had.

Five Minutes Song Duration of Writing (Pearl Jam - Last Kiss)

Assalamualaikum kids, how's life? Hmm, I know, my introduction had always been the same, kind dull eh? Haha, but I believe this too, that in life, this small seem no meaningful things are the little things that we sought after.

Recently, I watched this advertisement, on the net, on the social networking website, regardless what ever you guys will call it in the future, but mine was pretty much addicting enough. So, the advertisement was about sumone, an Indian woman, who seem to be in her late 50's I guess. At that moment, she was about to give a speech at her husband's funeral. It started to sound absurd and ridiculously funny at first, but then as the speech rolled on, people started to realize the message she was trying to convey.

At first she told, at her husband's funeral, how hard his husband farted at night, during sleep, and how his snoring sounded like, almost identical to a revving sound of a motorboat (or car?) engine. However, these small things are the little things she miss, these trivial matters are the sign, the indication that her husband was alive; and she can proceed her day with these trivial, that may seem ridiculously funny for others, but the most valuable and precious for her; and these what made her day. And now, ever since her husband had passed away, she's been realizing this, how significant, and distinctive it was to her; and it may sounded funny but there's nothnig she can do except but to sadly reminiscing and laughing amused at the thoughts, these funny memorabilia of her late husband.

People...wait, that's kinda unfair to collectively judge people; okay, I am one of those who always take things for granted. Ever since I was a kid, I realize, that there's no way you could ever cheat death, and as a muslim, I always believe that death, can always come in whatever way, or whatever methods that can be unthinkable to the logic of the limited brain capacity of men, and it can strike at whatever time regardless whether we're prepared or not.

When I was a kid, I always had a fight with your wan (gramma) and usually it will involves her not buying the toys that I wanted. And I usually would persuade her for days, and months,; yeah, dont judge me, i wont let you guys do the same, haha, neway, most of the time, when she was fed up or really stressed out at work with her other problems, and with me adding up to the stress she already had at her limit, she would suddenly take a car and drive somewhere, gone. I hate it when she did that, because of the fact I strongly believe that death can happen anytime, anywhere and to anyone God chooses to. And, to top it off, I watched too many Japanese serial dramas, malay soap operas, cerekarama, telenovela...no, i am not drama addict, no, haha, it's just that these stories, they usually end up in tragedies.

And I believe that all of us, will never want to depart with our loved ones in a strong, aggressive, argumentative confrontations, because I loved her, I really do, it's just that I can be very selfish at times and I pray to God not to execute my selfishness with unbearable tragedy that I could really figure out.

Life is very valuable, as well as your relationship to others; it's important to love yourself and at the same time loving your family and friends, and build up good relationship with your colleagues of different races, cultures and creed. Treat others the way you wanted to be treated, and with God's grace you will end up fine, even without me around.

Regardless of whatever argumentation, confrontation, or discussions we had, or even we're unable to embrace each other in the last counting minutes on earth, and holding onto each other for a little while seems to be the most, longest precious moments we had, or if else fails; I will always love you like I always had.

Salam Maal Hijrah

Assalamualaikum kids? Em, Im kinda speechless today, but nevertheless, it wont stop me from saying things. Today is Maal Hijrah, a new year in the Islamic calendar. It's a fresh start all over again. Talking about fresh start, I was among the fortunate ones, to be given the opportunity to press the hypothetical 'restart' button in my life, and all the f**ked up things that I did, I was given the chance to redo and redo and redo it all over again.

But my question is, why, on what logic basis for us human to continue making the same mistake all over again when we know such thing is hazardous, endangering and threatening to ourselves? What kind of mental model do we adapt for us to adapt such way? Does the world capitalism lead to these bad things; these negativity bottled up in one rotting soul? is it the overpopulation? is it the question of faith? is it the question of phase and period? or perhaps could this be just an illusion to make things complicated? what gives? I too dont seem to find the real answer behind it.

Recently, i had a discussion, with people we had dialogues but i was pretty much keeping things to myself, i was scared, i was afraid to speak up, i was overly conscious, and having practice giving presentations in classes and training still cant help me overcome my public anxiety. I kept things quiet until the end. I was the less productive, the most non contributing person in the class, however until the end, i tried summing up all the things they said.

All the things that happened in this world, is because of us, it is because of ourselves; we choose to walk on the route to wherever we're going today, and by God's grace, we're reaching there; and if the world is overpopulated, if the world is becoming congested, if the world had suddenly fall upon us, IT ALL HAPPENS BECAUSE WE CHOOSE TO BE IN THAT WAY, and there's no way winging it. We are what we are today because we choose to be that way, and why procrastinate? If we dont like what we are today, so step up and make the right decision that will befit your soul and soothes your heart, but let me tell you this; those things that we thought are the best things for us could end up being the other way around, and vice versa.

We never know about the future, but know this; sesungguhnya setiap yang baik itu datangnya dari Allah s.w.t. dan setiap yang buruk itu datangnya dari kelemahan dan kekurangan diri kita sendiri. I cant say much kids, u know the decisions you're going to take, and i hope you guys will be wise enough in making decisions for those are the traits that i dont have and i've always sought after. Love your life kids, if you're thinking you're making the wrong turn in life, u can always go backtrack. And if you're lost, there's always the Quran and Hadith to guide you back on the right track. I will love you guys, like I always had :-)

Five Minutes Song Duration of Writing (Maher Zain - The Chosen One)

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Haha, today, i met with this lovely, beautiful kid and her parents are faithful Libyans. And of course, almost like emotional father, or maybe the sense of parenthood just started to kick in, or whatever the feeling im having at that time, I know i want to have it with you; and seeing how much I enjoy seeing the kid, I cant imagine how thrilled I am to see you guys, my beloved kids growing up.

maybe, you guys often wonder; "why the heck that this blogs is full of sum crap parenting advice?" or "what is he talking gibberish about? family? kids? damn it man! You're just 24 and u dont even have your own job yet, and you cant even take care of yourself and you want to have family" or perhaps "apa benda la mamat ni, ingat senang ke nak ada keluarga, nak ada tanggungjawab?"

As much as the answers are pretty much not on my side, and as much I want to have those capabilities, those traits of a father, I DON'T and that's fact. I just don't, at least for the near future, BUT that doesnt mean I am giving up; giving up my desires to have a family; giving up my desires to see you guys grow up, and become a better person in society, the desire to bear ALL these responsibility.

I believe, the most valuable essence, the basis, the strength to become a father, bearing such huge responsibility is to have the desire, to want to become one. I will continue to make effort, to get my message through, to have the burning passion and desire for my offspring, and I will continue doing so even when I am no longer breathing, even when I am only living in your heart and precious memories.

One of the key aspects in life is making decisions, that is derived by the desire to want to accomplish the things we think is the utmost valuable to us; and just remember that every options that we choose, has its consequences, and remember too for every fiery, burning desire that we decided to put off, will only make the surrounding darker, and before we're about to be swallowed, emblazoned in the pitch black, step up and make actions and the right decision to light it up again; who knows, the future that once may seem so dark is now brightly lid!

We never know the things that are gonna strike us, and things, happened, unexpectedly. However, we could make effort, and pray for the best. If God's willing, I will meet you one day kid, and let's hope I dont forget the feelings I had today. I will always, will always love you, like I always had :-)

Five Minutes Song Duration of Writing (Maher Zain - Freedom)

Assalamualaikum kids, how's life? For Freedom? I dont know what to say tho, there are so many things you can say about freedom, but there are just times when ironic speaks, and you dont really know about things or important matters that u once tot u know it so much, so briefly.

'Freedom' , is one those powerful words that walk side to side with 'integrity', 'passion' , 'faith' and other things any one could think of. The people of Malaysia, had been fighting so hard, and they had sacrificed so many things regardless of they realizing it or not, sacrifices in terms of direct or indirect, knowing or unknowingly they had offer things that they believe will contribute to the betterment of this country, to the things they believe in, to to things that they have 'faith' on, those things that keeps on their 'drive' and 'passion' burning; all these things they believe in only reflects deeply on how their true colors are, their inner-self, their 'integrity'.

Freedom had definitely plays an important role in our life, being free and being able to do the things that we wanted is what we thought we sought but let's face it, only by obeying God's rule can we become truly free. I am definitely not one of those people who have the ability to preach or teach others, but I would like to think that I am when I was once alive, I had created posts or write things that inspire people to change and find their true freedom.

Being muslim, our definition of freedom can be somewhat perplexing for the atheis, for people who of different creeds and beliefs; they often ask how can by preventing to do so many things, how can by putting up so many restrictions and had to obey lotsa rules in islam can one be considered free?  That's one of the question I often ask, but dont worry, my faith is not shaken, but only to be very determined to show how freedom really is, at least from my perspective as muslim.

God had definitely have His way in guiding us, without we realizing it or not, but often we did not, and I too am one of those unfortunate ones. At times, I was never thankful for the things that I had, never realized what a precious gem I've been holding on, only to realize the worth of it once it's already gone. I believe, Islam put up such restrictions as guidelines; and us, the humble servant of God tends to screw up and make mistakes in life, thus Allah knows what is best for us.

I cant be more preachy than today, for sum reason, I just cant; for my knowledge is superbly inadequate, and the knowledge I accumulated until today cant even be compared to the tiny droplets of water in the ocean. Kids, grow up to be a better person in life, and remember, love your parents too, cause I love you guys, like I always had.

Five Minutes Song Duration of Writing (Westlife - I Had a Dream)

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Haha, from now on I wanna start to introduce sumthing random, yeah, im gonna try to write anything dat comes up to my fickle minded mind as I hear to random, favorite songs in my music playlist. So, anything dat comes up is pretty much random after all, based on the songs that I listened.

Okay, so here goes....I have a dream, of making the world a better place for us to live in, maybe I cant contribute much to society yet, and as much as I want to, there are just excuses and procrastination dat comes up, created regardless of my intention tho.

I know this may be naive, like "what the heck mate?" or "why? are the world we currently live in is not good enough for you?" those negative perspective definitely stir up, but still, it's of course is much easier to just succumb and dive into negative ideas, stay relax and do nothing at home, but I am not one of those people, I hope, i tried to remind myself, that I want to contribute, I want to make people happy, I enjoy a win-win situation and i hate seeing tears of pain and bloodshed especially in my home country, I hate the fact that people starts to segregate themselves into different political parties, opinions and thoughts make them so divided, they focus on their differences rather the things that they had in common, or just realize that each one is trying to survive just as well, just trying to live, and should we realize too that without them, we dont exist. we should acknowledge the fact that their existence complements our lives, our short, fragile life that is such a waste to spend it on being angry and pissed off all the time.

I love people, i love friends, I may not look like a friendly people, but I realized that too, apart from family, these strangers who I met along the way, along the route, sepanjang perjuangan ini, these people who fight shoulder to shoulder with me, these people who helped me in achieving to become a better person, a better man, a better muslim in life, these people, i endearingly hold onto, these people who I called friends, I cant convey how thankful I am, and only be able to express it, soliloquizing it to myself that after family and blood relationship, u guys are the most valuable thing I sought after. And as life goes on, people will change, they wont stay by yourside any longer, and good friends depart but good friends arrive as well, or so they said.

Time's up, I need to go now kids. Ciao! Assalamualaikum, and I will always love you guys like I always had :-)))