Evolving the Miserable, Pathetic Run to a Nocturnal Runner

In this post, I include some of my shots that I had taken this past week. Reality sucks, but God’s wonder never will; in fact it was a good reflection, a good way to distress for all the things that had happened.
I’ve decided from today onwards, with God’s grace I will try to…

• Become a better muslim
• Study very hard, and achieve my ambition
• Run farther
• Play football, futsal more
• Learn to play an instrument, guitar hopefully
• Learn foreign language
• Learn how to utilize the E520 properly, use it to the full extent
• Learn swimming
• Make friends with lotsa people
• Become more matured, and relaxed
• Pursue ‘the one’.











Okay, this morning, I’ve decided I will run again, yeah, I know it’s crazy, the surroundings are dark, it’s chilly, like the inner part of my body, it's cold, the only protection i had was the windbreaker, and my shirt.

I ran hard that night, er... Monday morning, and it was 3.30 a.m. when I went out, I went through my normal route, but dis time I didnt actually last long like the previous run, but i managed to keep on running back home with few stops here and there. When I almost reached home, I took a detour, a slightly farther than just go back home, I looped around the school,it was raining a little, but I dont mind, I pushed myself hard, and fast enough,hoping it was enough to leave all the painful sour memory I had. The wind blew harder,and it made the tiny raindrops slammed onto my face as I ran. This is crazy, I thought, but I need to, I need to mark the end, the end to my miserable week, and to the beginning of my promising, bright future, hopefully.

And now here I am, looks like some few things that I picked up from this experience is dat I started to run during night more often; a nocturnal runner one would've say.

Well, whatever it is, may I find the happiness, the most beautiful destination to end my run, and hopefully it will become the best thing that could ever happen to me,I pray that it'll come true, and come to some sort of konklusi diri,like i've always had wished :-)

This is It, Huh?

So, it’s almost fasting time eh? In fact, by the time I’m writing this, it’s almost like…2-3 hours before the first day of Ramadhan starts. Life sucks recently, it sucked big time, big time baby. Stil, I guess you can find it hard to sleep with all these hard things unresolved. And this is just what I’m trying to do, making myself busy with trivial matters, and finding ways to keep my mind occupied before sleeping.

Hanafiah, life sucks eh recently? I guess the only good news you had was from En. Khairul Dahri this week, was about the SHM equipment that Cik Mariana borrowed from UPM. Yeah, that was kinda lucky news non? Rather than pressing your head against the wall doing the analysis, mathlab, simulink, etc, u'd be able to actually run the experiment, do your own test and dont have to use anyone's data, alhamdulillah. I hope you could finish your final year project, graduate, achieve your ambition and get married with the one you love, but who? Well that is another answer that only fate can find in its unpredictable store.

So, recently I give myself a thought, an advice that I concluded from all the perspectives of my friends, my mother, Bang Icam, and perhaps some that I came across it coincidentally. Yeah, I was a loser, a selfish one indeed. I was so selfish that my selfishness clouded my judgment, I was so egoistic that it blurry my vision of wisdom, I was about to throw away the friendship that I built almost 4 years, and I’ve said things that are so out of my character; no wonder people are laughing, no wonder she felt amused.

Some people said…
“It’s not your fault that you realized that you liked her after she had gone for the flower of love blooms unpredictably, in your case, it bloomed after she had gone.”

Some people say another thing…
“C’mon man, fight for her, you can do this, go and win her back! Don’t give up, never give in, and make that attempt before you’ll regret it”

But most of them said…
“When you liked someone, it doesn’t mean that she should also have the mutual feelings. You loved her, but she’s fallen in love with another guy, so learn to make sacrifice, learn to not be selfish, give it up for her happiness, and may God find other happiness for you.”

Bang Icam advised me to fight, and never let that girl go, ‘fight for the one you really care’, he said. And I guess I don’t really care about her, no; that was a lie, I thought why should I make a move when I had my chances earlier, I’ve confessed and she replied that she only saw me as a friend, a friend and that’s it. She was happy and in love, I’m not going to make it any more difficult for her. So that evening, I texted her, yeah, I know I shudn’t had to, but I cant just throw away my friendship, or at least that’s what I thought, I just hope that all the things that I said and selfish acts didn’t destroy the bonds between us. Haha, I’m sure atuk would’ve said “Hai, apa ni, cakap tak serupa bikin?” and he would laugh, showing his yellow teeth due to his increasing age and seldom brushing. God bless his soul. I just hope that my attempts will bring back this friendship to its normal state.

I guess, the only thing I could do now is to move on, with every last shard of energy that I can hold on to, and push myself forward, even I could go only a slightly slower than a snail can move. Hai Fatin, kau membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi, haha. I guess becos of this that I consulted my mom to sign me up for the organ donor. But I guess, will sign up for that organ donor, but not now. Maybe the metaphor behind dis was that I felt that a part of my body was missing, haha. This is a great lesson. Human’s heart can change. My heart can change. And it HAD. It’s changing was unpredictable. And for one last time I hope it could change for someone that can change her heart for my sake, and when that happens hopefully it’ll last for eternity.

Alhamdulillah, the pain had eased, but like I said, a part of me had been taken; I felt hollow and cold.

I’ll try to be more relaxed next time. Should’ve cooled off a bit, my confession; it was hasty, cranky, immature, not masculine but I’m reaaaaallllly glad I did it; no more regrets. Thank you God.

I could only wish for the best, and pray like I’ve always had.

Ending These Things

Em, I guess dis could be like the last episode in this unwanted dark, sad, waning and somber trilogy of my life, at least for now. So, today, I had a talk with her, yeah, her, wow, receiving her text really psyched me up, yesterday I was really depressed, I refrain myself from contacting her tho I really waited for her messages, every minute I was like looking at the phone, or keep the phone where I can heard its incoming message ringtone, I cant sleep well thinking abt her, I thought abt lots of things, I even decided to go to hotel Maya to meet that guy, I muttered ‘astaga’ like hundred times, maybe even more, I try to find tranquility in doing religious work, but stil, my efforts were in vein, probably I’m not much that religious in the first place. But stil, dis is God’s work, and I’m certain that under every dark cloud, lays a silver lining.

So I built up my courage, texted her, and asked if I could give her a call, after she replied, I immediately called her as I got home. I was riding uncle Qeba’s motor dat morning to miat. I called her, I asked her, is it any possibilities for her to be with me, did she by any chance had the slightest shard of love or like me a bit?
And the reply was very painful.

“But I’ve loved him, I know it’s kinda fast, but I loved him”

“About you, I liked you but as a friend…”

That’s the killer sentence, ‘as a friend…’ which lethal enough to send you back on the reality ground.

So she asked me what I was expecting to be with her in the future.
I said I wanted her to be my bride, I would’ve wanted to marry her if I could, if I have what it takes right now, but I’m stil studying, and unprepared. But all that excuses now are pointless.

I’ve said dat I like her, ‘wow, it’s really hard to say you like someone eh?’ I soliloquized, but those words only remain words, and it was already too late and I realized that by her words too, I’m fighting a losing battle. Human’s feelings can’t be easily undone, right?

Or something like dat, it was too painful to remember. Then, she gave my phone number to dat man, Darsuno, because it’s easier to call rather than meeting him bcos he’s busy. I dunt mind, I wanna ask dat man something too.
Later in the evening, when I go to the library to print some En. Abu Zaid’s assignments about the Boeing 727 alignment checks if I’m not mistaken, I received that guy’s call. Like any other guy who his girlfriend had been disturbed was talking to me in slightly aggressive, rude voice, except no derogatory.
He said

“Sya dgr bnyk bnda awak tk puas hati dgn saya ni, kata saya macam2 la, saya ni Banquet Manager, saya nk sapu mana2 perempuan saya boleh, saya biasa je dngn diorng ni, ntah mcm mana satu hari tu saya nampak kawan awak, saya tgk ada peluang, saya pun sapu je la”

‘Banquet manager? Sapu?’

So perplexedly I asked
“Awak ni betul2 serius ke dgn kawan saya?”

He said
“Saya ni umur dah dua puluh tujuh, tkda masa nk main2 lagi, kalau saya tk serius, takkan saya sanggup nk jumpa mak bapak dia. Maafla saya ni kasar sikit, tapi saya ni dah lama kerja hotel, jadi ayat memang kasar la”

And I asked again…
“Awak betul2 sukakan dia?”

His answer was…
“Kalau saya suka dia saya tkkan la buat macam ni semua, saya ni sibuk, saya dulu dah pernah putus tunang, saya dah tak da masa nk main-main”

Yeah, I realized he was right, I couldn’t agree more, my friend, she really-really liked him, no, she LOVED him, why cant I be happy for her? Why shud I disrupt this relationship? What am I doing here? Ruining my only female best friend’s happiness? He could be ‘the one’ for her, after spending all these times with her only now I’m saying this? After her love had been sowed by dat man only I’m saying this? Human’s feelings can’t be undone, and so is her feelings. Wow, I REALLY AM A SELFISH JERK, but accepting reality hurts me a lot, I hated it, I hated that fact I’m losing her, I’ll never be by her side, I’ll never be there for her again, never be, never will.

Then he continued.
“Laki ni kena la rilek, kita ni laki, cuba jadi berani sikit”
Berani? Rileks? Oh…she said the same thing back then. “Dia mmg berani la, dia memg berani la”

I was speechless.

He added
“So kita kira ok la ni? lepas ni awak jangan la ganggu dia ke apa ke, call ke…”

I snapped and said
“Tak, saya tak akan call dia lagi, awak jangan risau. Maaf la sebab menyusahkan, dan terima kasih” yeah, maybe it was my ego, maybe my pride was scratched, she was right; he’s a nice man, at least dats what he said about himself; but I cant contact her again.

After dat I called mom, asked her to pick me up in the evening, I cant seem to get my mind straight, what a blow of reality hitting directly at my face, I thought.

Going back home dat day was the most right thing to do, when mak arrived, I hug her, she knew me very well to know I have a problem. We talked a lot in the car. I told her how fool I am taking her for granted, and my mom talked about why I didn’t commit, she would’ve wanted to meet her, I talked about how not prepared I am, dat I’m still studying and I cant give the luxury that a working person could, I talked about how not committed I am to her, how it’s my fault that all these happens, and we talked a lot. My mom was consoling me dat I’ll find someone else better, I don’t know; I said, she also consoled me by saying that it was a right decision for me to not to make a commitment since I’m still studying and to ask someone out could stil a major financial problem tho I know dis wudnt had happened if I had confessed earlier.

I reached home late, I even missed the maghrib prayer along the journey back home,it was because mom had to go to Setapak for a while. After I reached home, the azan Isya’ were heard, so I put my thing in the room, take wudhu’ and go to the surau.

After Isya’ I qada’ the Maghrib prayer, and after that followed by 2 rakaat’ Sembahyang sunat. Usually every last rakaat, in the last sujud, I wud pray…

“Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa ......................... dan dosa muslimin muslimat sekaliannya, dan jodohkanlah aku .......................”

But that sembahyang sunat after Isya’ was followed by how much I hope for her happiness in life, how she will not marry the wrong person, how she will be happy with Darsuno, how she will be recovered from her serious headache or migraine, how her right ear could be able to hear properly again, how she will have no regrets choosing that guy over me, how she will lead a happy life with Darsuno and have great kids with him. As I choose these prayers for her, my cheeks are wet, and I can felt tears flowing, it had already been wet this few days whenever I reach the last rakaat of my prayer. I didn’t tell this to her, she once said she disliked guys crying and sulking, well, I guess that’s manly for her, and I am just no manly enough.

I also prayed…
Ya Allah, ya tuhanku, sekiranya dia bukan tercipta untukku, sekiranya dia bukan jodohku, maka lupuskanlah dia dari sanubariku, dari ingatan dan pandanganku, Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku sangat terseksa Ya Allah, aku sangat sakit Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau uji aku dengan ujian yang tidak dapat aku lalui, sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Berkuasa, lagi Maha Mengasihani. Ampunkanlah dosa sahabatku dan berkatilah kasihnya, semoga dia bahagia dan gembira disampingnya, aku sangat hina Ya Allah, tidak akan aku dapat memberikan apa yang dapat diberikan oleh lelaki itu, dan aku tidak layak mendapatkan kasih perempuan sebaiknya, dan oleh itu ya Allah, tolonglah sahabatku ini, jauhkan dia dari malapetaka dan penyakit yang tidak diingini, semoga dia berbahagia di dunia dan di akhirat. Amin ya rabbal aalamin.

After finished my self-rehabilitation in the mosque which helped a lot, along with my mother’s therapy session in the car earlier, I seem to feel more fine, but still my legs, my legs they’re kinda trembling and weak, maybe it felt that way because realizing the fact that sooner or later I’m gonna loose her. Well, I decided to go for a run, for a jog. I started jogging around 11 p.m. and arrived home about 12 a.m.

Still, after finished running, my legs seem to be okay, but my mind’s still thinking about her. So I decided to take pictures in Kuala Lumpur, some of the shots were blurry, but some were not, it’s because I learned the some of the camera’s new function. Whenever I pass by GH, my mind seems to think about her, and my body felt a cold shiver, I just hoped this wouldn’t last long for I will be here for quite some time in the future when I run some errands for mom. That night, I cant sleep, and I wrote this, I wrote it as a reference, as a journal, as a guide to make me remember how not to take the woman you liked for granted, how to treat her well, how to not loose a diamond that you should‘ve been grasp, as a lesson not to repeat this again. And, for how many times these past few days, while I wrote this, the tears rolled down on my cheek.

Later in the morning, mak consoled me again, she really made me realized, she said to stop contacting her if it makes me miserable and she’ll help me find someone else. Someone else? I don’t know, hopefully. She said to me to let her go, and have pride and dignity, be a man, get a proper job and you can marry anyone you wanted, she said. I hugged her, kissed her on the cheeks and thanked her for all the acvise she gave. It's funny that I console this kind of matters from a woman, not from a dad, well, it's a no wonder tho, because she had been both since i was born. Yeah, hopefully, again I thought. I will become a better person, I promised.

Well, I will try not to contact you again for I’ve deleted your number and I’ve said the same thing to that man, maybe after things had settled down I’ll come and see you again, but only time will tell when dat’ll happen, I will move on first, and with God’s grace I hope we’ll have a brighter future lies ahead, I hope you’ll be happy and may not the slightest sense of regret will dwell in your heart, I will always love you my friend, you’ll always be in my prayer, like you’ve always had:-)

Thank You for Everything

Ok, here is a picture. I am indeed speechless, but hey, picture's worth a thousand words.



Back then, in form 2, i was sitting in front, the 1st row,near the window and corridor,at that time, but often I look back and saw her face. I thought 'sapa ni? tak pernah nampak pun?' but then when i was in form 3 I usually go at the back of the class, and I'd stare her for few seconds and i know that she'll affect my life in the future,and now, here it comes, but then, it was already too late.

I'm already too late to make amends, already too late to gather my courage and already too late. I really wished I cud've taken your picture more, and now getting the slr camera seems pointless. It's funny too that tho we're (used to be) best friend, I didnt have many of your pictures. If there's anything I wud like to do before you go anymore further, is to take more of your pictures and give you a bouquet of flowers, but I guess it's already too late.


That night, I borrowed motor from uncle Keba, and rode the motor up the hill,and took this picture. All of my other shots were blurry, and for I dont know how many times, I felt the tears falling through.

These few years, my life sucked a lot, but you've become my sunshine and made all the dark clouds go away, i didnt realize that, and I took you for granted,it's really my loss, and i'm facing the consequences. It sucks eh to not know that you really love someone only after when she or he is gone.

Now that she's gone, I felt a huge part of my body was taken, I felt hollow, miserable and painful, but your happiness is my first priority. I tried to make myself busy with trivial matters, but i could never lie to myself, so I was very relieved for what I did.

I could only pray the best for you friends, and I'll try to keep my distance if it requires, if that's for the best interest of both parties, not because I hate you, but its the other way around; seeing you walking the aisle with someone else, while used to have strong sense of emotion that could never, ever be released could just bottling up to an unwanted pain in my heart.

I will run further, and improve myself, and hopefully I'll find another better destination to end this. Adalah penting untuk kita bersangka baik dengan ketentuan Allah.

When the time comes, like every tears that fall through, every anger and pain that can't never be vent out, these will vanish and disappears just like the cold wind sweeping every drops of the sweat and tears.I can't thank you enough, I'm speechless,and feeling awkward right now, but I will still always pray for you and you will always be my best friend, like you've always had.

ps: revised and edited in Andrew Ure Hall, Parsonage Row, High Street, Glassgow for the purpose of making sure any respective person remains anonymous.

Running and Its Metaphor

Running eh? I dunno why I bother writing this, it’s not like anybody’s gonna read it, but stil, like my other posts, hopefully it will remind me one of the enjoyable times or what I once felt. Em, I dunno when I started to like to run, there’re lotsa times when it ignites my passion to do so, during Japanese serial dramas dat I borrowed from Sufian, or maybe from the Forest Gump, or maybe whenever I heard some genre of songs (Jrock, Jpop, emo, rock, etc), maybe since I enrolled into Khidmat Negara, or maybe it started ever since I was in primary school.


The few things I really like about running is the cool breeze that blew softly into my face, the dirt and terrain I’m running, the scenery of the Almighty’s creation and the perplexing face of it dwellers, the smile they replied whenever I pass them by, the cerulean blue skies, the sensation of pushing myself while hearing some inspiring music and the most important is the panting, the gasping for oxygen whenever I end my run, the sign that I’m alive and kickin’! :-) All these are the crucial factors that burned my passion.


Running, for me, it WAS a form of exercise. Back then, in PLKN, I really hate the fact that I was enlisted in the programme, so the 1st day I went there, I decided to rip all the goodness this program can provide me. I started doing sit-ups, exercise like hell, day and night; well…consider it as the time to play, since SPM was just over. Nothing to care about, only the fear of knowing ur SPM results, which turned up a pretty much an expected sour memory, haha


But now, like Haruki Murakami-san, the running novelist, running is not just a form of exercise, but it’s also some sort of a metaphor. For me, I realize that I could improve, and progress, to become a better person. My life didn’t suck, I made it dat way, I choose to be dat way, and I’m utterly to blame la kan? (Sesungguhnya setiap yang baik itu dari Yang Maha Esa, dan setiap keburukan itu datangnya dari kelemahan kita sendiri)


So, by running, I always remind myself to push, and push, and push again. Back then, when I’m stil like er..90+ kg or sumthing, I pushed myself further whenever I jog. I said “c’mon Hanafiah, u can do this, u can do this!” and life was pretty much sucks back then when u started, people said dis, and dat, not to mention dat ur mom is trying to add it, not by the bad talk tho, but by her delicious, large amount of cooking, haha. I was always like “ adoi, ni mesti masak lemak tu lagi la ni” or “this is one hell of a curry!”. But most of the time I was like “lari, lari lagi, c’mon, paksa diri sikit!” and somewhere between the evolution of a fat boy, loser and a nerd without the knowledge to someone who I am today an average Joe, I started to murmur “c’mon Hanafiah, u can do dis! Dun’t u wanna improve ur lifestyle? The way you feel? U may not be able to improve urself financially or your unhandsome face, u may not clever, but u can do this. Other people are working their ass of hardly, early in the morning, and u just wanna sit there? Ur mom, look, even at the age 62 she can go very far, what about u? U’re a loser, and u will always be if u can’t make it” or os I said. Oh, when I said ‘my mom can very go far’, it really meant she can go very far, until Shah Alam from Melawati, with car dat is, haha.
Frankly, like Haruki-san too, whatever came in my mind during these times isn’t much worth mentioning except for certain things, but this is why it had become a metaphor for me, the reason I strive. And later, I found myself browsing the Runner’s World mag, started to check out the jogging shoes, and preparing my music list during the jog.

Other than that, I ran sometimes to forget things, to loose all the pain in my heart that stuck on my chest, but still, from my previous experiences no amount of sweat, or distance that could make one's mind free from the excruciating pain of the heart. Only that pain, become some sort of drugs to prevent fatigue and it'll become like some sort of motivation to push yourself further. Usually, I'd always told myself to run away from that pain, yet, it's still there. For such pain that involves heart, only time is the best cure.


When I wrote this, I manage to run, or jog, at least until Wangsa Maju, following the normal route thru rumah Daim. I dunno how far, but I’m pretty much psyched up, haha. Now, I found myself excited with all new route, new terrains, the last time, I manage to follow until Permata, or somewhere near Keramat, near her house, yes, HER house (I’m not telling who she is). I dunno why, ever since I started running, I found myself tried to finish somewhere near her house. Maybe I was hoping I would bump onto her, or accidentally fell in front of her house, but unfortunately I was never lucky enough. So, when I saw Hidayat near the traffic light, he said “Ko pergi mana dowh?” Ha? Ko pergi mana tu? Dah la, hentikan je la, mcm stalker dow” so I was like ‘erkk’, he hit the right spot. Haha, it’s not like dat was the first time anyone would say, but before this I always said it before my friend gave out that statement.

And this shoe, this shoe had taken me very far. Haha, it’s supposed to be a futsal shoe, despite its worn out looks, it had served me well, a great tool, and a great friend. I think I will be using it for quite some time more. Ive been using this shoe for lots of purposes, during my restless night run, during the lowest self esteem i've ever had in life and lots more. I managed to reach her house using it, and Fatin's house too, thanks a lot Acuna.


I guess it’s time I’m changing route, continue moving on, continue improving, and that’s just the few aspects of life I had to live with, and hopefully time will heal all these scars away. I will improve myself, I will run with the wind blowing across me, leaving the footprints on the pavements, my sweat overflowing until one no longer able to differentiate between sweat and tears, and i'll run during the day or night, or anytime I felt like running, I will run anywhere this feet will take me, and with God’s grace, may I find the most beautiful destination to end my run, and may it’ll be the same for you too.
Like I’ve always had :)

The Running of Sorrow, Grief and Regrets

Em…okay, dis is something I’ve to jot down, I’ve to, it’s one of the most few memories I’d refuse to forget. On dis day, that is the night of 15 August and early morning of 16 August 2009 I dunno why, I refused to sleep, I decided at 3 a.m. I wud go for a run, considering the pace I’m going.

The reason I did this because I felt … empty? I’m not sure, lost maybe? But whatever it is, I was uncertain what I felt at that time, I know that my chest kinda stuck with something indescribable yet it felt hollow somehow, and later it develop into an emotional pain, the only medicine I had was the tears that flowing unstoppably down my cheek when I was driving to City Bazaar to repair the Dreamcast and during the final rakaat of my Isya’ prayer.

I guess looks like I’ve lost it again, the diamond that I shud’ve held, shud’ve grasped firmly, for the second time maybe? During the run, I can’t really describe what I was thinking, why did I made that decision to run at 3 a.m. in the morning, I can feel that the drivers or motorcyclist was staring weirdly, but I tried to ignore them. Then, perhaps the most challenging part is sometimes when u heard the dog’s bark (luckily I turned on my mp3 player quite high, unlike my 1st time running during night) and the sudden chill that struck you, as if someone, maybe something is right behind you. I dunno whether I was super curiously brave or just playing dumb, I often looked behind, and it was always a relief, this was ridiculous excruciating, but this is good, it’s one of the few medicines I need, at least for now. It took me quite 9-10 years to forget someone last time; I wonder how long it’ll take to recover for this one?

I ran, and ran again, not certain why the heck I did that, why did I made the decision, I know I must do it, I must do it to forget her, let the overflowing sweat cooled off my fire-scratched heart and the agonizing pain to forget the pain from the scar hopefully. Well, I guess dis is it then, life’s full of possibilities and changes, sometimes it can be as slow as a tortoise, yet it can become abruptly fast like lightning, and dis time around, I’m just not ready yet to face the change, at least not until I’ve finished the run.

Then later in the morning, I went for a run again in Titiwangsa, still, the feelings didnt go away. I ran harder, and tried to push myself further,until one couldnt differentiate between the sweat and tears, but why it didnt go away? i wear myself out, felt every bit of pain in every part of my body, yet the pain in my chest is the hardest. Later, when i got home, i broke again until fallen asleep.

Yeah, it was a short distance, it wasn’t far, but I’m glad I started that run. And to you my dearest friend, even if you're beyond my reach or we barely keep in touch again, u'll always be my best friend, at least that's the best I can do, for I'd rather have you as my friend then not having you in my life at all, tho the consequences, the pain is barely tolerable and unimaginable.

Remember that I’ll always…always pray for your best, and hope that u’ll be blessed with great success and great love, amin. This run, I wonder how long it'll take. We'll always become best friends like we've always had :-)

Pencawang Elektrik

Pencawang Elektrik
Andai pernah engkau bandingkan,
Ciptaan tuhan dan ciptaan manusia,
Pencawang elektrik perlu engkau bandingkan,
Titik tolak untuk ilmiah yang tidak sia-sia.

Kiranya engkau pernah melihat pencawang elektrik,
Di tepi highway atau di tepi sawah,
Begitu besar dan tinggi tetapi antik,
Namun tetap berdiri megah.

Oh Pencawang elektrik,
Walau setinggi mana engkau didirikan,
Kau tidak akan pernah sesuai dan tidak fit,
Apatah lagi menggantikan,
Tiang lutsinar yang menyangga langit.

Oh Pencawang elektrik,
Aku dan kau; kita lebih kurang serupa,
Jika engkau ciptaan manusia,
Aku ciptaan tuhan yang esa,
Kita kan luput; akan mati dimamah usia.

Oh Pencawang elektrik,
Hidup kita dipenuhi duri dan ranjau,
Pelbagai tugas selesai perlu,
Menyambung bekalan elektrik tugas kau,
Menjadi khalifah di muka bumi tanggungjawab aku :-)

Happy father's day :)

Hmm....

Okay, i've gotta admit that in life, i was never a cool one, i knoe that i had always done things wrongly, and it annoys me that friends don't believe me too. I guess this is the result when u've always been a loser,non? well, i'm writing dis just as a reminder so that I'll try to improve and become a better person, like i've always had wanted :)

What I Want for My Besday?

So, few days back, no, maybe a week ago, i got a fon call from ayah, which is really weird to call someone by something u shud be closest to when he is the stranger of my life, and in case for future reference, i wrote this matter late bcos i was reaally busy, with the final year project stuf and sum last minute assignments, and i'm really disappointed that the Red Devils won the Premier League. I really need to convey this to someone (or something) other than mak, i don't know, i just felt the urge to. Yeah, i dont talk dis matter to Sufian, or Fatin, or any or my housemates, well, i ges i've my reasons, i've always had, haha.

So, ayah called, but i was sleeping and i called him back, wondering what's the matter about. He asked my birthday,so i told him. I told mak, after hearing few curses, she said it's too late to give me a present for my birthday, but i don't really care.

Then, few days back, mak called me, this time she needed me to verify my place of study, and when my graduation is. I don't really know how to explain the later part, but dis is enuf for my future reference. Ayah, i will NEVER be like you, i promised this to myself, like I've always had

Mother's Day eh?

Sejak aku kecil la, it never happened in our family for us to celebrate Mother's Day. Setiap hari, even on dis special occassion pun aku slalu je melawan dan meninggi suara ngan mak aku. Tp, semakin dimamah usia, kalau dulu mak aku mesti sebat aku dgn rotan balik, tp sekarang dia balas sikit2 je. Aku selalu je tak bersyukur, tak sedar betapa beruntungnya ada mak, ada rumah untuk aku pulangkan diri aku kepadanya, dan rumah itu tidak kosong, walaupun aku msih bujang, dan awek pun tarak, tapi mak aku ada menunggu kepulanganku. Aku sedar, benda ni takkan kekal lama, dan apabila sampai masa tu nanti, Ya Allah, apabila smpai nya masa itu, pastikan lah aku tidak pernah berasa kesal kerana tidak memperlakukan ibuku dengan sebaik rupa, amin. Semoga mak aku berjaya di dunia dan akhirat, like she always had :)

Already Too Late

19 September 2004 - Nafi was sleeping soundly in his room until his mom suddenly knocked his door. “Adik, bukak pintu ni!! What’re you doing in there? Wake up!” his mom shouted followed by a few bangs on the door. “Ya la, ya la, sabor le” he replied profusely, and hurried to the door an unlocked it.

“Yeah mom, what is that you want?’
“I wanna talk something to you”
“What’s wrong? I don’t think I’ve crashed your car or anything...”
“It’s almost maghrib, go and take your bath first, after that we’ll discuss about it”

“Hmm, ya lah,” he replied while looking to his watch. ‘Damn, melepas lagi la main bola hari ni nampaknya’ he murmured. Later that night, he went to see his mother in her room. “Mom, what is it you wanted to discuss with me earlier?’ he asked, having no idea what she really wanted to speak about while clearing up some space to sit. The room’s so crowded with question papers and student’s examination answer sheet. Not to mention the pile of reference books and files that has been cramping up the room thus making him wished that his mother had a bigger room.

“You know, I really wanted you to meet this particular person…”
“What person?”
“You know that man…”

“That man who refused to stay with us? The man who didn’t want to identify himself when he wanted to know about my PMR results? The man who asked me to be sent to the welfare’s house?” suddenly he interrupted, giving her mother no chance to answer each question coming from him.

“Ha, mom, don’t get it wrong, I’ve no grudge, or whatsoever against him, but I just…” he continued.

“I know, I know, but it’s high time for you to meet him. If it’s not now, I don’t think you’ll have this chance again. Besides, we’re getting older everyday, if anything happened to him, I don’t want you to blame me” his mom’s turn to interrupt his words. Nafi was silent for a while. He thought that grown-ups must really hate their words to be interrupted and how her statement was quite true, and began to wonder about lots of things.

“Ok lah, but what should I address him?”
“It’s up to you”
“Hmm, ya lah”
“Okay, so tomorrow night, we’ll go and meet him”
“Tapi, mak janganla pegi mana-mana lak. I want you by my side”
“Mesti la” his mother replied, with a faint smile, thus giving her son a little sense of relief from his beginning-to-occur nervousness.

20 September 2004 - The Proton car accelerating towards Ampang. “Mom, do we really have to go this fast?” Nafi asked. He realized his heart began to beat faster. This is the first time he felt nervous while sitting in a car that was driven 70 km/ph. “Why? Are you really that nervous?” his mom asked, realizing her son’s feelings also affected hers. “No, why should I?” he tried to cover up, knowing that his mother could sense his nervousness. He learnt at that time that there are things he couldn’t hide from his mother. They were silent after that throughout the journey, only accompanied by the loud songs played by the radio.

Later, after they reached the destination, located in front of Hospital Ampang Puteri, his mother said “so, looks like this is the place” as she gets out of the car. “Mom, do we really have to do this?” Nafi asked, hoping his mother would say no and go back home. “Of course,” his mother replied, short but firmly.
They went across the street and into the restaurant. As they enter the premise, they saw a man sitting, with a stick next to him.

“Is that the guy?”
“Yes, that’s the one”

“Oh, okay…” he whispered as they sit together. He tried to examine him carefully, trying not to show any sign of fatigue or sleepy due to his football game earlier that evening. It’s been years since he gave such concentration to something and sometimes wonders how to initiate the same effect in classroom. “Ni Nafi la ni?” the man asked as they both shake hands. “Er... ya saya,” he replied hesitantly. “Ni dah ada girlfriend belum?” he asked looking to his mother, realizing the boy’s feelings. ‘Ha? After all this years you’ve been leaving me, and now, the first question you asked is this?’ he whispered to himself in disbelief. ‘Am I that ugly that you think I couldn’t find a girlfriend?’ he continued.

“Do you play any sports?” that man asked again. “Er..ada la sikit. I play football sometimes” Nafi replied. ‘Apa ni? Now you’re trying to say I’m fat because I don’t exercise enough? Just because I’m 89 kg, doesn’t mean my punches could become any slower! So you wanna fight, huh? Bring it…’ he paused murmuring, realizing he’s becoming too prejudice of that person. He suddenly felt that he had now become a real jerk, and decided to stop giving out negative statements.

“Excuse me sir, may I take your order please?”
“Let me have this…” that man replied while browsing the menu. After finished ordering, they had some conversation.
“How’s your study?”
“Okay je…”
“SPM’s around the corner, are you prepared?”
“I hope so”
“I wish you the best”
“Thank you”

While eating, Nafi spent most of his time looking on the food, and hears his mom with that guy swapping stories and news. Sometimes he glanced towards him. He tried to find any similarities between him and that man.

After the meal, that man asked Nafi to buy cigarettes from the 7-11 nearby. Nafi accepted the request thinking how ironic that he on the other hand, never took up smoking as a way to past time after eating and hoped he won’t be like him. As he walk slowly towards outside, he heard that man, and his mom chattered, reminiscing their old days.

Later that night, Nafi and his mom gave a lift to that man to his house. After that, Nafi walked him straight to the gate, helping him with his stick. Before the final farewell, that man managed to hug him. In that dark night, brightened by a dim neon lights of the street, Nafi saw a tear, shed by that man.

He realized that that man had made a big mistake, the one that couldn’t be undone, and the damage couldn’t be fixed, the feelings that were hurt could never be healed and it was already too late.
Later, in the car while driving back home, it was silent for a while until his mom suddenly asked.

“So, what do you think?”
“It’s like what you said”
“Do you feel angry, or upset? Or anything else?”

“Nope, mom, you’ve given me lots of things, and I realize, ever since I was born, I’ve been living like a silver spoon in my mouth and never once I regret him not being together with us. All my needs were fulfilled, and that’s enough,” he said while looking outside.

“Yes, and I realize you didn’t address him anything”
“Hmm, I felt kinda awkward”
“And perplexed. Sure, you can’t expect to force 17 years of time to be packed in one night’s time, besides…”
“Besides it’s already too late.”
“Hmm…right.” They ended that conversation there. And tomorrow, everything was back to usual like they had always had.