This is It, Huh?

So, it’s almost fasting time eh? In fact, by the time I’m writing this, it’s almost like…2-3 hours before the first day of Ramadhan starts. Life sucks recently, it sucked big time, big time baby. Stil, I guess you can find it hard to sleep with all these hard things unresolved. And this is just what I’m trying to do, making myself busy with trivial matters, and finding ways to keep my mind occupied before sleeping.

Hanafiah, life sucks eh recently? I guess the only good news you had was from En. Khairul Dahri this week, was about the SHM equipment that Cik Mariana borrowed from UPM. Yeah, that was kinda lucky news non? Rather than pressing your head against the wall doing the analysis, mathlab, simulink, etc, u'd be able to actually run the experiment, do your own test and dont have to use anyone's data, alhamdulillah. I hope you could finish your final year project, graduate, achieve your ambition and get married with the one you love, but who? Well that is another answer that only fate can find in its unpredictable store.

So, recently I give myself a thought, an advice that I concluded from all the perspectives of my friends, my mother, Bang Icam, and perhaps some that I came across it coincidentally. Yeah, I was a loser, a selfish one indeed. I was so selfish that my selfishness clouded my judgment, I was so egoistic that it blurry my vision of wisdom, I was about to throw away the friendship that I built almost 4 years, and I’ve said things that are so out of my character; no wonder people are laughing, no wonder she felt amused.

Some people said…
“It’s not your fault that you realized that you liked her after she had gone for the flower of love blooms unpredictably, in your case, it bloomed after she had gone.”

Some people say another thing…
“C’mon man, fight for her, you can do this, go and win her back! Don’t give up, never give in, and make that attempt before you’ll regret it”

But most of them said…
“When you liked someone, it doesn’t mean that she should also have the mutual feelings. You loved her, but she’s fallen in love with another guy, so learn to make sacrifice, learn to not be selfish, give it up for her happiness, and may God find other happiness for you.”

Bang Icam advised me to fight, and never let that girl go, ‘fight for the one you really care’, he said. And I guess I don’t really care about her, no; that was a lie, I thought why should I make a move when I had my chances earlier, I’ve confessed and she replied that she only saw me as a friend, a friend and that’s it. She was happy and in love, I’m not going to make it any more difficult for her. So that evening, I texted her, yeah, I know I shudn’t had to, but I cant just throw away my friendship, or at least that’s what I thought, I just hope that all the things that I said and selfish acts didn’t destroy the bonds between us. Haha, I’m sure atuk would’ve said “Hai, apa ni, cakap tak serupa bikin?” and he would laugh, showing his yellow teeth due to his increasing age and seldom brushing. God bless his soul. I just hope that my attempts will bring back this friendship to its normal state.

I guess, the only thing I could do now is to move on, with every last shard of energy that I can hold on to, and push myself forward, even I could go only a slightly slower than a snail can move. Hai Fatin, kau membuatku terjatuh dan terjatuh lagi, haha. I guess becos of this that I consulted my mom to sign me up for the organ donor. But I guess, will sign up for that organ donor, but not now. Maybe the metaphor behind dis was that I felt that a part of my body was missing, haha. This is a great lesson. Human’s heart can change. My heart can change. And it HAD. It’s changing was unpredictable. And for one last time I hope it could change for someone that can change her heart for my sake, and when that happens hopefully it’ll last for eternity.

Alhamdulillah, the pain had eased, but like I said, a part of me had been taken; I felt hollow and cold.

I’ll try to be more relaxed next time. Should’ve cooled off a bit, my confession; it was hasty, cranky, immature, not masculine but I’m reaaaaallllly glad I did it; no more regrets. Thank you God.

I could only wish for the best, and pray like I’ve always had.