Sesudah Suku Abad

Assalamualaikum kids..how's life? Emm, I just finished exam, so...well, things havent been good lately, with the papers dat is...sigh. I was really blur and nervous at times during the exam, so I guess things may not turn up fine for me. But, there are many aspiring outcomes dat I got from such situation tho. Like for example I went to the library, staying from morning til late in the night, I realized dat to be surrounded by books and knowledge is not a bad thing after all, and this is something that I can do until the end of life

Jika ilmu itu dilambangkan dengan buku, 

Maka aku gembira berada di perpustakaan, arkib dan toko buku;

Jika ilmu itu dimiliki oleh cendiakawan, ahli ulama', dan mereka yang mahir,

Maka aku selesa mendampingi mereka;

Dan jika ilmu itu dapat dizahirkan melalui sikap penyabar dan berkasih sayang,

Maka aku bahagia mengasihi mereka

-Andersonian Library, Strathclyde University, 5 Jan 2012

Eversince after SPM, I realized that calculations and numerical-solving skill was no longer my strongest traits, and I felt left out miserably. And today, these exams are the mark and testament of my failures. But still, being humane, we cant help but to feel some strong attachment to things that we can't have. 

But knowledge is not something that we can't have; everyone is just capable of excelling in whatever they love given the fact that they practice and put more effort into it, nonetheless my effort may be insufficient to cater such intricate, complex calculation; well, not really dat complex, is just i may had mixed up my formulas, haha.

Tuhan tu memang Maha Kaya. Prior to coming here, I was always worried how thing will end up, with my coursework, assignments and meeting the dateline and such, however to certain extent, God had accompanied me with few friends dat definitely helped me a lot during these days. I was not alone, we all helped each others, and he pointed, taught so many things despite the numerous, tremendous amount of wondering question striking at every point during study sessions was answered in a calm, slow manner for the sake of my better comprehension of the subject, I could never thank your uncle Xu Gu, oh, we have to go to China if we want to meet him, ngeeh :-p

Hmm...so, soon after that dat, as I finished my exams on the Friday the 20th of Jan, it was my birthday....again. You see guys, there are so many things that can happen within one year. Back then when I was a kid, I spent most of my time playing games at home, doing indoory kinda stuff. And being developed and exposed to such activities for quite some years, I tend to be more introverted and less sociable, despite the fact I do enjoy others' companion, I prefer to be alone mostly at times. 

But then ur uncle Sufian pulled me away from all these negativity. I started to open up more, and communicate more, I went out, and enjoy the companion of others. I took up football again, started jogging, started to appreciate the wonderfulness and the greatness of God's creation from the beauty of the vicinity, and I felt that deep in my heart. Nevertheless, my social skills was still miniscule thus it was insufficient for me to find your mum, haha, kidding. And due to certain stigma, unwanted experience, due to my ambition to be involving in academia and teaching, I will try to improve my social skills more; slowly, but surely. And without realizing it, I have some sort of attachment to my friends, and the desperate need to be part of their life, the neediness of involving in each activity they were doing suddenly develops. I started to be wanting to be part of something real, something that you could never get from virtual reality, from video games, something real, and that is a strong sense of brotherhood and friendship. 

So, few months after coming to Glasgow, most of my friends, as if having some sort of understanding between them, a conspiracy or something, starting to get married! Lots of them getting married! Wow, and I am indeed missing a big part in their important days in life. And that sucks, a lot. I really waaant to be there. And few months to come, my friend is going to get married, and I could have been his best-man...sigh. I was lost for quite sometime, waning and somberness kicks in, but in a much less serious, less detrimentally affecting.

But like I said, Tuhan itu Maha Kaya. I met lots of people, lots of GOOODDD people, that has the capabilities of being a wonderful, dedicated friend,  despite no matter how bad the person I am. I still remember vividly the day I came, as I pave my way out of the airport, and the first Malaysian dat I met was Ustaz Abduh. He thought me lots of things, religious matters dat I always found mysteriously compelling and touching, maybe most of his advices reflected on my negative traits, and in some way he helped me in becoming a better muslim.

Soon, I met uncle Safwan Romli (pakcik Wanli), he showed me around the city, with your uncle Deris. We went to the city center, helped me open a bank account, and showed important places like the post office here. After that I remembered meeting other guys like pakcik Faiz Nordin, pakcik Masrul, lecturer-lecturer ayah kat miat dulu, pakcik Hafizi, pakcik Wan Adlan, pakcik Shahrul, then I met the pharmacy clan; pakcik Hazwan Samian, pakcik Safwan Ghazali (pakcik Wanji), pakcik Ridhwan Razak (pakcik Due), makcik Azleen Azreen Azmi (makcik Leen?), makcik Izyani Nabila Ibrahim (makcik Bee? tak, dia tak sengat orang), makcik Fairuz (makcik ni mungkin sengat orang, haha), makcik Amirah Mohd Sedek (makcik ni makan perlahan, vogue kontrol ayu gitu), makcik Syifaa Aminudin (makcik yang ceria), makcik Farah...Izyan? (makcik dua nama?), makcik Anis Wahid (makcik yang buat ayah ingat teringat kepada makcik lain), makcik Farrah Kamarudin dan beberapa makcik lain yang mgkn ayah tak ingat kot nama diorang.

Dan ada the Naval Architecture gangs, uncle Ganesh Kumar, pakcik Kamal, pakcik Affan, makcik Georgina? makcik Elaine? hmm...which also the member of Strathclyde Photography club dan there are other few people as well whom I met from football which is pakcik Farihan (pakcik cip), pakcik Azpin (pakcik Ipin). Besides that, there's also the colony of Triple E's (Electrical and Electronic Engineering) pakcik Aizat (pak jat) and pakcik Deris as well as the Architecture groupie which was makcik Ana Dew (makcik anadu?) dan pakcik Najib serta uncle Shazwi dan uncle Asfa. But the lists did not stop there for I did not include my fellow companions from Brunei, pakcik Salleh, dan pakcik Faiz Sidek as well a fellow Malaysian, chemical student, pakcik Najhan. And last I met my African coursemate, Ugonna Mmbaezeu (uncle Ugo)

In case you're wondering why was i so eager in meeting new people, making friends and such; there was this one time in life when I really wanted this particular girl and I did everything in my power to make her feel the same way I did, but on the verge of the failure she said to me this

"No worries Hanafiah, we'll meet lots of other new people"

New...people... *sigh*

And the other reason is, I just thought it would be reaaallly nice to have friends, that we can share thoughts, pain and laughter together, despite all the shortcomings that each of us had, we tend to complement each other with extra capabilities that we had. It's just nice, to be in a place where we all feel to be appreciated, and wanted, for I had been living my whole life, feeling unwanted, ever since waaay before I was born. Any other reasons? Let's just say that I really want to improve myself, reeeaaaaallly bad. And improving social skills is definitely gonna help me a lot if I were to be into academia and teaching. Teaching sort of like one would normally said "it runs in the family" :-)

Tulis saja, tapi tak buat sangat, ngeh :-/

And thus today, all these writings are the testament of how I will never let such thing happened again; I will not let the history repeats itself. I wish you guys, my beloved friends, the best in life and to my beloved kids, for all the things that will come, I will never, ever forget my responsibility as a father.

So, back to the birthday, I cant thank you guys enough, I reaaaaaaaalllllllyyyy do. I am indeed speechless. Terharu, gembira especially bila fikir that I didnt know you guys that long; dan sedih sebab teringat kawan2 di malaysia lebih2 lagi ramai gila yang dah kahwin recently, dan i wonder how my mum would react to these things. Terima kasih kepada triple pakcik wan (Hazwan, Safwan dan Ridhwan) serta makcik-makcik lain (atau kakak-kakak? nah, im sticking to makcik, baru sama kan? haha).

Banyak gila makanan, syukur alhamdulillah, happy crazy!

So ayah dah 25 tahun skang, dan from my writings you can see that I may not be a fully matured, grown up person I am supposed to, but still, I know how far I have improved, thus I am keeping such perspective to myself and people around me. It's quite a personal entry (and looong indeed), but I choose to write it anyway, for the sake of memorabilia, for all these good times, I wish it will continue despite how old we will become, despite the hardships that each of us will face in life. As much I am trying to find your mum, I need to focus on my studies first, because if she were to appear in my mind, she'll occupy half of my brain capacity, so i need that capacity for much important things for the moment, which is knowledge, that I had sacrificed so much in trying to gain.

 this cake is crazy delicious!

MasyaAllah, crazy2 saja ayah lately.

From the bottom of my heart, terima kasih bebanyak untuk makanan-makanan yang sedap, pengalaman yang tidak terkata, persahabatan dan ukhwah yang telah terjalin . Syukur Alhamdulillah.

Semoga kesudahan yang baik bagi kita semua.

Jazakallahu khayran. I will always love you guys, and you guys definitely, like I always had.

New Year 2012

Assalamualaikum kids. It's a new year's eve, so like usual, there are times in life I need to have views, and reflecting on my past year. It's cool, there are so many things happened, so many transitions, but with God's grace I am still able to stand.

The building near George Square

The clock tower from High Street

There are just time I like wander around aimlessly, seeing things, and have a fresh perspective on life, and start mapping out my next move onwards. What ever it is, happy new year kids, and I will always love you guys, like I always had

Five Minutes Song Duration of Writing (Michael Learns To Rock - Ghost of You)

Assalamualaikum. Ingin ayah coretkan rasa yang mengamit ketika menjangkau setiap inci bumi asing ini.

Kadang kala,

Manusia tidak dapat lari,

Antara nafsu dan cinta,

yang lara dan hakiki

Cinta pada zahir,

Bukan pada akal,

Kita mahir,

Tapi bebal

Jika hati dan cinta,

retorik semata-mata

apakah ini yang aku rasa?

Hanya padaNya sahaja,

Hak cinta kita,

dan getaran ini,

Kuasa Ilahi

Kadangkala, dalam hidup, kita diberi pilihan, dan retrospeksi kehidupan mengajar kita utk lebih matang, tetapi sejauh manakah kita dapat mengikut teori kehidupan yang kita inginkan, dan ada kalanya, ketika kekosongan memasuki setiap rongga dan saraf jiwa dan nurani, ilham-ilham dan idea-idea menerpa minda, memberi salam kepada sesiapa yang ingin memberi kebenaran kepada ilham dan idea ini terbentuk, dan ada kalanya, di sebalik ironiknya setiap peristiwa hanya mendekatkan kita pada fitrah, dan siapa lagi yang lebih afdal untuk membincangkan fitrah diri selain Sang Pencipta yang Maha Berkuasa; dan ada kalanya, antara kadang kala yang terjadi dapat memberikan manfaat kepada diri, dan untuk itu, ayah mendoakan kesudahan yang baik bagi kita, kerana kesudahan yang baik adalah bagi orang-orang yang beriman. Wallahu a'lam. 

Ive been living in the past too much, Ive enjoyed so many rides with my time machine ticket.

It's really time to forgive, forget and move on.

I love you guys like I always had :-)

Photographs not Physics, Chemistry or V vs T Graph

Assalamualaikum kids. People had often ask me this "why I love taking pictures so much?" despite the poor quality of my photographs dat is, haha. I'd usually smile, and continue snappin' and I slowly explain things like I love taking candid pictures, impromptu attitudes that are reflected on the facial expression as I press on the shutter, but I often too forgot to clarify one thing; photographs for me is like sum sort of ticket for me to go back to the past it's like a small, miniature of time machine.

I will always love you guys, like I always had :-))))

Of Love, Faith and Speechless Words

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Hmmm, Im kinda speechless tonight....not, haha, kidding. I... dont know why, I dont know if any of you my beloved child, or any of my friends will go through this, having to doubt your ownself, and I guess, taking the lack of confidence into consideration, you might as well say we'll gonna be having such conversation again in the future, haha, but nevertheless, bear with me kids, I wont let you be emancipated from this one.

I wonder about you guys, about my friends, that as much as things looked normal, fine to my four-naked eyes, I wonder if any one had doubts about what they are going through. And, looking from all those things I wrote from my adolescent years, I could be considered as a master of self-doubting. I don't know where the lack of confidence came in, but somehow I manage to squeeze in, fortunately tho.

A friend once told me this, being good-natured is not enough, for people will take chances to scrutinize, belittling others as they pave their negative way up to the social hierarchy, thus it's best for us to step up to these kind of injustice if we want to bring positive and goodness to others. His words made me think, made me realize, that I really need to do something about myself, I need to step up, I need to take my game to the next level, always aim higher than you expected, but put on small, achievable milestones as you progress so that measuring your success wont be so hard.

Recently, I...really, really miss...I...am speechless, again. I...guess, maybe I'm just not feeling well.

I will always love you guys, like I always had.

Edinburgh, The People, Culture, Landscapes and Love

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Recently I had the chance to go to Edinburgh, other than that I didnt do anything much really. So, as I was commuting by the train, few ideas stroke my mind, like I always had, haha. Nevertheless, it was fun considering I didnt do anything much this holiday, and cramping up in my room seems a little bit ridiculous but the idea of going somewhere didnt strike my mind for I was kinda worried about my exams and assignments. These feelings of being alone in the room, with pile of things to study is faaaaar better than doing nothing at all, and having the opportunity to meet new friends, broadening my horizons by surrounding the goodness in people that I met is by faaaaar better than not doing anything at home in Malaysia; but I do miss your grandma tho.

And I pray that i will always get to meet and befriend new people and see new places. But for that, I wish that I will be able to secure a job before I finish my studies here. Love you guys, like I always had :-))

Eid Al Adha

I cant sleep yet, my mind's kinda wandering for sum unknown reason, like always. Nevertheless, it often tells me to sleep. It? Yeah, my body, yet my mind urges to keep on striking this dusty old Compaq keyboard laptop.

Eid Al Adha is around the corner, and I admit, having to come here for only like a month or so, had made me miss home, even more, especially considering that I never actually, technically leave home as long as I would now, thus this feelings kinda developing and starts to ripped my sanity, only I choose to suppress it and keep it aside, as long as I could. This feelings, the sense of loneliness doesnt really occur when u're in the classroom, or when u're doing your assignment, but as soon as the pitch black of the dark night comes creeping in, and the surrounding seems to be quiet, sumtimes it too quiet but just the moment that it gets to the freaky stage, BAM! your next door roomate, your flatmate came knocking to your door, oblivious of his actions and start to sing sum unknown song in sum foreign language, an alienated sound to your ear, but still convincing enough to know that he doesnt realize what the heck he was saying or doing all along. When this situation kicks in, and all of the necessary factors, igniters, falls into its rightful place, the sense of loneliness and homesick sparked, depends on the windy direction of moodswings, it can burst up to one powerful flame, a flame that rhetorically speaking, is not able to light up all the fire emergency alarm or trigger any smoke detectors.

Life's kinda busy, but that keeps me going. Assignment keeps me going...not really, haha. Recently, I have this  aspiration, and sum sort of idea, and sum other things.

Chill kids, I'm fine, no worries, I will always love you guys, like I always had :-)

The Few Little Things that Transcend Death

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Yeah, I just went back from a friend's birthday party. Yeah, it was really fun, and not to mention there's delicious foods as well. Yeah, happy besday to aunty Syifaa, yeah, I will introduce you guys to her, and the rest of the gang, uncle hazwan, safwan, ridhwan, then there's another uncle safwan, haha, and also not to forget the religious, pious uncle faiz. Oh, by the way I started my day with coming late to an appointment because i was stuck in the bathroom with broken door knob. So, I had to jump from the window, onto the bushes, half naked, with 3-4 degree Celsius in the environment, I ran quickly as I could. But enough on dat, just like the mood of vacation, and having to just went home from a birthday party had made me thinking, about few things.

In life, there are things that I hold on the most, and among these few things dat I held above others; one of them would be integrity, and sincerity. These principles, that I had been holding on for so long, that made me running thru thick and thin, despite all the negativity it occurs of implementing it, I daresay, that Im not fairest of all in this context, there are times I hold back, and I let negativity swoops in. However, having strong feeling for your set of principles, believe and continue holding onto em, no matter how harsh the situations or conditions are against it,even having the world against your set of beliefs, even the tides doesnt favor your way; if you continue holding on to em under this situation, you're already a man, my beloved kids. And these are the principles that your great grandpa had instilled into me, indirectly, ever since I was a kid.

You see, having to grow up without a father figure, I had definitely rely on these two people in accommodating the psychological need of a person called father; these are the guys that was my father-figure to me, in the early days of my life.

So, I had always remember few taglines from my grandpa, from atuk korang. This happened when I was in standard one, aged seven years old and I just came back from school in the middle of ramadhan, the fasting month. Came back from the school, I ran to the kitchen, opened up the refrigerator and check if there's any food under the tudung saji. Yeah, I didn't fast back then, haha, hell no, you guys arent gonna get the same luxury I had, not fair? suck it up, im ur father after all, haha. Neway, I was sitting on the chair, and your grandpa, he will come.

"Haa, tak puasa"
"Adik puasa separuh hari la tuk"
"Mana boleh puasa separuh-sparuh, puasa kena penuh"
"Tak tahan la tuk, penat lari, balik skolah lapa dah"
*sambil tersenyum* "puasa memang la lapa, semalam kata nak puasa,"
*terus makan*
"tau tak ni orang india cakap apa?"
"apa tuk?"
"cakap tak serupa bikin" *sambil tersenyum

"Cakap tak serupa bikin" and I want you guys too, to remember this phrase, until the day you die. Your words are who you are, and never, ever be someone whom his words can't be trusted, never be someone who may say something, but acted totally different just to accommodate and fulfill his own negative agenda. If you are not able to say things dat you are not sure of, not ever being able to guarantee that you will act out to what you say, never in the slightest sane mind thought of saying anything, for people will claim all your words back, and they will quote the things, each single words that you said, and if you had acted differently people will lost faith, trust and will act differently. You will loose respect, and you relationship may never be the same. 

I had a friend, and he was doing the same thing. No, I didnt despise him or anything, i didnt hate him, but i think it's best if I just keep a certain space, because even though he's a friend, but things are no longer the same, ever. I just couldn't let myself to believe him, not anymore.

It's funny though, remembering my grandfather, in a foreign land. Never I thought I was able to come this far, it was of my slightest intention. I will make him proud, I will. Al-Fatihah to my grandfather, Haji Abdul Kadir bin Yunus, may he rest in peace. For all the things he did, all the principles and beliefs he sow deep in me, and all the religious teachings he taught, I can't thank him enough.

And never loose faith on me, as I will continue having faith on the great person you guys will be. I will love you guys, like I always had :-)

It's Windy...Like Your Mom

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Recently the weather's been reaaaaallly unstable, yeah and I rarely see the sun, and even if it were to appear, it was only for a while, for brief second. I do miss Malaysia, and the weather, I do miss the seeing the white fluffy clouds, and the feeling of bright, warm glittering ray on the western hemisphere whenever the sun sets.

Recently, on Thursday this week, which technically yesterday; my class was cancelled, because of the heavy gust of wind that reached about 90-80 mph. That's like reallly freaking fast, and standing in the middle of the road will definitely get you flown away if you're too skinny that is.

So, as I was in the middle of the street, feeling the wind breeze blew against me, it was harsh, hard, strong in lots of ways that I may not be able to describe it, maybe not right now with my limited vocabulary that is.

By the wind, I realized too, the empty hollow deep in the corner of my heart, beyond reach of light; and at some point, ironically u just want to be alone, and I felt that. I saw people passing by, walking up and down the streets, with heavy, thick sweaters and windbreakers as they pave their way on the wet, dark parchment of the road that endangers the pedestrian due to its slippery condition that was caused by the snow few days earlier. Seeing them, juggling between all these things, these criteria that is beyond their control, I realized too, that we may not be able to control the variables, the external factor that had been put or implemented upon us, but however, with God's grace, we can determine the factors, and the output of every effort that we put on, given that we put in enough inputs and allocating certain sufficient amount of effort.

So, when I feel the harsh wind, or the calm breeze on top of the high street (its a name of a road, yeah, pretty much ironic yet pun intended) I just don't know why but I just felt like it; like a woman;the wind is like a women, like any woman that had come into my life, the ones that had gone and still remained here. Nevertheless, like the last line from the last scene of a movie called 'A Walk to Remember' which was an adaptation from a novel, "her love is like the wind, I can's see her, but I can feel it" and I believed that's one of the true things in life. Women's love is like a wind, and guys are like wind turbines that continues to rotate to generate electricity. I am running out of words tho, there's no way winging it, but as much as I want to start propelling, to start generating something positive and contribute, environment and society; there are few things I need to improve, and certain things need to be accomplished, for there are other things that currently really, really matters to me.

Your mum, is a really-really great person. If I were to be successful one day in whatever I will be, for all the good things and great memories, for all these things to come, she will be my wind.

I will love you guys, like I always had.

Coffee and Dark Chocolate

Assalamualaikum. Ayah suka minum kopi, susu, dan dark chocolate, dan these little things make me happy (ke hyper?) even for a short while, masyaAllah.

Ya Allah, walaupun kegembiraan ini hanya sementara, ayah berharap semoga ia lebih kerap hadir dalam hidup kita.

Sayang korang dan dont be a caffeine addict, like I always had :-/

Speechyless Thoughts

Assalamualaikum kids? How's life? Hmmm, i am pretty speechless tonight. for there are too many things been bottling up my mind, thus I can see why being clairvoyance was one of the traits I can hardly acquire. Nevertheless, thank God for all the insights and perspective He had bestowed upon me, for all these perspectives are the few little things that made me separated apart from other people, thus I finally able to distinguish myself in quite a unique, perplexing way that may beyond the thinking of my brain capacity few years ago. I can now hold my head up high, and being able to walk on the path that I wanted, tho I admit the road, the end of this journey may have a doubtful ending; however I am determined to see it through until the end.

I will love you guys like I always had :-)))