Hidden Sneaky Ulterior Motives

There're times in life where i'd feel very...very low, inferior, helpless. But, then, dis had always remind me back to the pretentious rebellious act, stupid and act-without-thinking of the consequences, dunt giv a damn adolescent days, which...I shud've treasured, savoured, and enjoyed every minute of it.Now, I trying to find, running and trying to grasp for those few precious moments in my life.Eversince I was a kid, people, had always make fun of me,eversince kindergarten kot. I guess I kinda potray the image of sum1 whu can be easily to be ridiculed with. It's not like i dunt wanna stand up for my self, but in the end i often came back to them, licking all the spits i've thrown out, and it'll only make matter worse, myself worse. I just wish, dat I cud make frens, plus without any, hidden, sneaky, ulterior motives. Haha, I gues, I kinda like to describe things, eh? Wel, i cud only wish you all success, like you already had :-)

Being Ignored Eh?

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah? how are you? how's life? starting to feel its getting harder to move around without money? haha, no worries, teruskan usaha mencari, and ull find it, insyaAllah.

Hai kids, how's life? what are u all up to now?  so, how do u perceive life now? much better i hope. Well, i will always pray for the best of u guys, and all beloved people who once, regardless of direct on indirect touch me when i was once alive.

So, I know it sucks when people ignore us, as if we're some hollow, transparent entity that is well, unable to be seen, not because its the nature of the physical part, but rather the ugly rotten nature of one's mind and heart, but still, no matter how far i feel to put all the blames on other people, lets try for once to be in their shoes, and try to think as positive as we could, because fellas, kids, sesungguhnya setiap yang baik itu datangnya dari Allah s.w.t. dan setiap yang buruk itu datangnya dari kelemahan kita sendiri, so remember dis before u start pointing fingers on other people's mistakes.

Being ignored, being not wanted, is one of the feelings i wish not to be lucky enough to express it, but undeniably, every one of us will undergo this unwanted situation, whether we like it or not. so, beat it!

Remember dis kids, whenever u had the chance to just ignore someone, a total unknown stranger or your friends, never ever do so, dont ever ignore their feelings because i know what it feels like to be ignored, and cause karma is a bitch, i would never want any of u, my beloveds to ever walk on the shoes of such humiliating experience, not only bcos its painful and demoralizing but it indeed instigate the inferiority in me, but if u somehow fall into dis dark pits, u can always fly out of the critical situation, it's hard but it is NOT impossible, pray, make effort and u shall get it!

But before i elaborate any further, for u female friends, and my beloved female daughter (if im lucky enuf to have one) im sure u will sumhow stumble across this situation where a guy trying to chase u, trying to steal ur attention and getting ur undivided affection, and if u do so, please try open your heart to that particular person, TETAPI proceed with caution, trust ur instincts and dont forget to pray for directions. Haha, u must think im one fussy, busy body person eh? well i guess i am, when im no longer around im still there to jaga tepi kain korang, haha, well, i cant help it, dis is just one of my ways showing MY undivided affection, MY attention, MY feelings and before u open your heart to this fortunate guy, please open it for your father.

And as a guy who had tried to chase or woo quite few numbers of women (haha, bajet hot stuff) tho my effort ALWAYS left in vain and even it means complicating my process in search for ur mum, TOLONG JANGAN easily be deceived with guys' dirty tricks or any stunt they pull off as they tried to woo you, be EXTRA careful! Please dont give in too easily, dont be cheap even that guy is soooo hot, hold up ur morale, ur pride as women (and ur virginity DEFINITELY) and dont let it shattered in the hands of undeserved, wrecked, fucked-up scumbags, and whatever your decision is, i believe u know what u wanted and i believe dat u also know who is your mr right is, so all i cud say is I wish you and your partner a blessed, happy, everlasting relationship, like me and your mum, insyaAllah, like I had always had wished.

The Few Last Days of Life

Assalamualaikum w.b.t., how’s life Hanafiah? Haha, it seems u’re quite down recently, no worries, im sure u’ll spring up back to life like u always had, haha, insyaAllah.

Wow, okay, from now on, im trying to get used to talk or writing my feelings for u guys, my kids to read, but this is important, for one of the basic things in life that I wanted to teach u guys, but maybe in the future I cant due to lots of unwanted circumstances, but then again rest assured for it can be learned here, from this secluded post in my boring, loooogggg, text-book like blog.

You see kids, recently, I had this chance, an unwanted one, the one I reluctant heavily due to well, lots of perplexing ideas that I will unravel as I proceed here. Recently, my father, yes, your grandpa I shud say, asked me to find him an old folk’s home, so my auntie, mak ngah coincidentally had a fren that opened an institution for old folk people, and she urges to bring me there to have a grasp look at the place. So, I went there last week, I borrowed car from your grandma and went to my auntie’s house in Taman Cuepacs, Cheras.

For your information, my father, once live nearby, in Taman Mudun but now lives in Ampang, so next time if sumone asks about ur grandparents, u know where they live, or any place they had stay when they’re still alive. After sending ur grandma to S. Alam, I went straight to Cheras, See, how strong ur grandma is, not only in the form of physical attributes but in sense of responsibility in fulfilling her task as educator as well?  She still can afford to go to work even at the age 64, tho I don’t know how long will it takes, I wish for her the best in life, and ill always be by her side, like u guys will always be by mine, hopefully. I was very tired and sleepy because I didn’t sleep the night before due to a World Cup game that I watched with ur uncle Sufian.

It was frustrating at first to find the house, but sumhow mak ngah managed to find it, I guess it’s true when people said, where there’s a will, there’s a way. I step up out of the car, and it was around late noon, but the heat combined with the cold of the air conditioned vicinity when I was in the car earlier suits me best, and I take a slow, small step walking into the small, limited compound of the house. 

Technically speaking, it wasn’t actually a house, but a small mosque, a surau more like it. Tho it had been converted to an old folks home, the sacred function of the mosque still exist. Every night, there will be people in the nearby area come and pray in jemaah. 

No matter how much it changed, no matter how far the world progress, no matter how many time had passed on, one of the sacred, best, effective institution that is NEVER affected by the dirty hands of unfaithful slave even the hard, iron clawed politicians that may had the slick ideas to manipulate and manage their cunning, stealthy way into winning favors and votes from society by using the mosque as a wrong medium in spreading their filthy, unacceptable propaganda which is just sum disgustful polemic, trying to cover it in the name of Islam or perhaps the worsening situation of our beloved environment, global warming, or economy recession or whatever catastrophic disaster instigated by the wrongdoings of us humans or well, whatever the reason is, the time is constant in here, and even when the outside world seem to be chaotic, and full of destructions and war, but in here there’s only peace, and ur task here is to make sure ur mind is focused on carrying out ur responsibility, to strengthen ur faith, the bond between u and God, Subhanallah, thus  that is why we often regard the mosque as  the house of God.   

Remember kids, that everytime, EVERY time u’re lost, no, please don’t use the GPS joke here, u know what im trying to say rite fellas? Haha. If u lost or sumhow stucked at the end of long, winding, complicated road, u can restart here, by praying to God, and beg Him for mercy, for directions, to give u a new chance, cause we humans, even the blessed ones  are prone to mistakes, and I am sooo full of it that its hard for me to tell you this, I admit ive done lots of mistakes, too much unwanted errors, and dis time im gonna make it right, and carry out my duty as a father as good as I could be tho im no longer by yourside, and if I no longer do, let me remind you for thousand, billion times that I love u, and I will always love u guys, and please let me remain in the small space of ur big heart, okay? Haha.

The mosque was quite okay, and I walked inside. On the walls, hanged lots of pictures of IPT students that came there to do visits, or do welfare’s work to fulfill their designed co-curricular activities. Plus there are lots of beautiful, hand-made souvenirs, with wishful words jotted on it perhaps created by the artistic hands of the visitors, well, kata-kata itu doa, or so they used to say, thus hopefully writing it on will have a huge impact on these left-out, old, so old there they no longer able to read, suited to be dwellers of the old folk’s home. Tetapi, kata2 dan perbuatan yang baik pasti akan mendapat balasan yang baik, bear dat in mind kids, and before u guys wanted to pull off any good deeds, no matter towards anybody, make sure, be certain its 100% sincere and straight from your burning passionate heart.

I sit on the chair, the makcik, the mosque keeper, the main person in charge in making these good deed to happen and continuing it with limited budget served me a cold orange juice. I let it be, and listen to what she wanted to say, and after hearing her explanation, I talked with her husband, and one of the sentences that I really like and I wanted to quote it here is ‘kita merancang, Allah pun merancang, TETAPI, perancangan Allah itu lebih baik’. Those words, reaaaally left a huge impact on me, yes, I know it is quite common sense, I know it’s a small thing, tiny sentence, but small things meant a lot, and this meant huge one. 

The conversation went on, and since he is an elder, I mostly listen to what he was saying, and along the conversation I paused, and I muttered these words ‘….bukan senang nak memikul tanggungjawab, tetapi untuk meninggalkannya mudah sekali….’ Or sumthing similar, I guessed. The makcik and pakcik nodded agreeing.

Kids, life is hard, life is harsh, but never neglect your responsibility, carry it out as sincere as you can, and believe me, you will never have to face the slightest dirt of regret as you proceed in this fragile life, and this bitter harsh of experience that ive gone through wouldn’t had happened if i were more responsible and if u do carry it out to the best of ur limited abilities, I promise u will see the good part, no, the best part life can offer you.

And the first, foremost important responsibility, the charge that I want u guys to sincerely take on and never let a little sense of negligence or any other negative feeling that is often created by the temptations of evil devil which I often regretfully gave in too thus realizing, succeeding their effort to sent Adam’s child accompanying them to be damned in hell is…..your responsibility on your religion, your faith, better said the responsibility as a muslim. And if u held onto dis dearly, then u will automatically know other responsibility by yourself, and carrying it out is no sweat at all, haha.

You see, I NEVER liked the fact im sending anyone here, not because its not a beautiful place, not because it’s not suitable, but the guilt, my conscience are eating me up and as I walk in, as I make my way in and out of the vicinity of the area, I felt overwhelmed with compassion and heard the echoes of my heart being torn apart.

Ever since I was small, my mum, had always taken care of grandpa, me and abang always there to help her, yeah fortunately there was young people to help accomplish the physical needs of my late grandfather, we, the ones with the strength and brawns of young people were able to support my mum in which she lacks the most, the time and physical strength to help my grandfather, Haji Kadir bin Yunus. Remember dis name kids, cos I want u guys to pray for him if u had time, and sedekahkan al fatihah to him too. And never once the idea of sending my grandpa came across my mother's mind.

The condition of the mosque is well taken care of, the bathing room was okay, there are about 6 male occupants and there are 20 female residents from various backgrounds, and different races lived there. As I see their face, looking back at me in perplexed manner, sum of them were looking at me as if hoping I would be one of their relatives to come and visit them, but after realizing im not, the sadness, the loneliness, the feeling of being rejected from their family members, the feeling of as if being left out to die in that place, the feeling of disappointment, grief and sorrow are obviously seen on every small corner of their soulless eyes, empty, as if their naïve, but pure hopes for a better tomorrow is diminished instantly by the great tide of time and limited physical and financial potential, and every glimpse of the pupil share a sad story, open to those who are willing to listen patiently thus my presence there, standing, staring deeply in honoring, and fast stead manner perhaps digs up, maybe not much, but a slight dirt of their broken hearts; the dirt which was once pure and white yet fiery burning expectations they put up for their beloved offspring which is now only dead and rotten, eaten by the sands of time.

Kids, do u know why i wrote this in the first place? If somehow in distant future, dis kind of things came across your mind, and maybe at that time Im no longer able to take care of my own personal things, my hygiene and other stuff, and if u have decided where u will send me, just know about how i felt living in such place, remember this because even no matter whatever the words that came out of my mouth, i did that for the sake of relieving ur burden, and painfully soothing my broken heart, because deep in my conscious mind i pray not to live in such place even for a single day because i believe the place of a father lies with their children and vice versa, not with strangers, especially at the critical time of my lifeline, the few last years of my life on earth, where we need each other, no, where i need you guys the most, and living there is definitely a highlight of my life.

Fortunately he had decided not to go there, which is a relief to me, and i wish he could always found happiness even without me by his side. His time is now, and im doing what i could do even deep in my heart, i admit there are lots more things needed to be improved, but with dis short time, with dis huge amount of reluctance, i wonder if the history will repeat itself? will i see the same thing and feel what it feels like to be in his shoes? right now, there are lots of things going thru my mind, and im praying for lots of things, even i seldom met him, and rarely attend to his crucial needs, or seldom gave him a call, i always pray for the best of you, my father, like I always had.

The Next Step for Upcoming Crossroad

Assalamualaikum w.b.t, its been reaaaly quite sumtime since u last mention sumthing in ur blog here eh Hanafiah? Haha, never mind, ive gotta admit consistency had always not been of ur strengths, but we’ll improve dat aspect later.

Okay, first of all, I’d like to say few things about marriage, why marriage? Its becos its one of the most important phase that I really look forward in life right now, and it seems every effort and decisions I’m making right now is influenced by this non-rhetorical, sacred idea.

Eversince I was a kid, I wish I cud have a big family, so im looking forward to have my own kids, and from now on, these things im writing are for u kids, yeah, seriously. Im writing this to u even before u were born, sebelum azali lagi. I don’t know if u, my beloved children will be reading this, or will I be dead even before I had the chance to get married and have my own child, or whatever the fate had in its store for me, insyaAllah, i will try my best to suck it up, dan redha dgn ketentuan Ilahi. Sesungguhnya setiap yang buruk itu datangnya dari kelemahan dan keburukan kita sendiri, dan kita hanya mampu merancang, tetapi tuhan sahaja yang mampu menentukan.

Well, perhaps u kids cud see this as one of those ‘How I Met Your Mother’ sitcoms except in different, much boring context, haha. But bear dis is mind, I love u from the deep of my heart, and any decision that I’ll make in life is based on securing u a much better, brighter future, InsyaAllah.

Why am I doing this? Why do I write my own blog? Is it bcos I want to express my ideas, my feelings, well, dat may be true, but the main thing is I just wanna make sure u guys, my beloveds know what is going thru to my head, once when im was alive.

Seriusly, im the kind of person who always believes that death can come whenever, wherever it wanted which is an definitely an undeniable truth. The angel of death, is never compassionate, and we cud never delay death even for a second. Everyone have their own dateline to meet God, and we NEVER know when, and before I go, I just wanna make sure that u know that I was once alive, I was once a friend, fighting along u guys in order to overcome one of the hardest obstacles in life, with sweat overflowing and blood pumping with adrenaline thru our thick veins, remember that I was once a colleague that share the same load, the same driving force to accomplish the task given by our superiors, remember me as a teammate, sharing this same sweat and tears of pain and glory on the pitch, a companion that accompany you throughout this amazing, wonderful journey, a loyal citizen who is sworn to protect this country from any evil means; only wish it to be harmony and prosperous that held a better future for u guys to live in, a humble servant who is often lack of consistency and often swayed in fulfilling His orders,  and most importantly im just normal human whu was once alive and breathe the same air as u guys had now, and for all these reminder I have in mind, I wanna say it, I wanna share for I believe that sharing is caring, and contributing to society doesn’t mean it can’t be achieved when we’re no longer in this world. Whu said that u must possess a physical, healthy body to inspire people, to change the world? No, but it's in the spirit, in your burning passion to spread the ideas and ur beliefs is what keeps the fighting on. I may not be influential enough, or had not contributed anything to society yet, dan I may had not taken any actions towards that way, but like I always said, keinginan tu tetap ada, haha.

Life is full of hardships, and I just finished pursuing my degree, and Ive gotta admit, im lost, and I cant see any road or pavement that I can walk on, only uncertainties and ignorance in my mind, but I can see the light far ahead, and what’s more important my beloveds, is that, never afraid of moving forward, and please give it a try, make an effort and give ur best shot, berusaha dan bertawakal, kerana Allah menjanjikan kejayaan kepada mereka yang berusaha, and it’s always never too late to make effort :-)

Right now, im so busy to find a job, and my mind is more occupied with worries of where am I going to spend the next maybe 5-10 years in the future, thus the problem of trying to find your mum is best I put it aside, for now, haha. There are lots of things I wanna accomplish right now, lots of things going thru my head, and lots of possibilities that’s about to happen, and one of my important crossroads throughout my life is about to occur, but insyaAllah I will make thru it in one piece, I love you guys, my beloved, my new found family, the old ones, fellas, all of you, like I always had.

Defy It Baby !!

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah? How’s life? Haha, its been quite sumtime eh since I last write sumthing, so today I continued, but make it quick dude, the game’s about to start in like few minutes, so lets jot dis down real quick, but no matter how fast we’re about to go thru, I got ur back, I GOT ur back ;-)

Its been quite sumtime eh, well, in few minutes the Champions League is about to start, it’s the match of Arsenal, against Barcelona, at the Camp Nou, well, I cud only hope fate had a better plan for the Gunners and miracle wont turn its back to this wonderful team, haha

So, before I proceed any further, I’d like for once to talk about my field, yeah the aircraft. Well, one of the basic questions an examiner wud ask during the oral exam at DCA (Department of Civil Aviation) is ‘How aircraft fly?’ well, its really very basic, so basic that even kindergarteners cud answer, but due to the complexity of how human think nowadays, not to mention that the brain capacity is so powerful that by using up to the extent of 10% of its capability, most examinee wud fail bcos their head cant decipher the most basic, simplest form of question.
How does it fly actually? Well, ive no intention of talking about aircraft rite now, only to make it a symbolic icon of what we wud represent in this context. Well, u see, in life, the higher we go up, the harder we fall, and the harder we fall, the pain wud be more unbearable, so unbearable that we cud never forget that agonizing pain thus leaving a deep, very deep scar of stigma as a proof of our dark, bloody past experience that we begged to the God everyday never ever had to relive such experience again, but only with lotsa prayers and unknown huge amount of time could make the swell of such pain subside.

And in order to prevent the unbearable pain from falling hard on the harsh ground of reality, we, tried to defy the gravity of life and time, and put on lotsa effort, and adapt lots of non-logical methods that we considered logical at that time, but deep down inside we know its insane, and stupid, and as we shift from methods to methods, we realize, that despite no matter how had u tried, u are still falling down and it’s unavoidable , and what varies between individuals are usually how long the process it takes and what method that they used to make sure they land safely back on reality with the slightest damage, scar or hurt, thus makes the recovery process one of the most unexpected variables in life.

So, my main question is what propels us to this very great height that often endangers us and led to a hard, unbearable pain of falling? What is the force? What is the equation? And why? Well, the answer to all these metaphorical physics’ questions is LOVE. Okay, for once, lets toss all those Newton’s, or Bernoulli principles outta window. Haha, as silly as it sounds, love indeed is the greatest motivator, the greatest force, and due to this undefined, unexplained force that cant be derived in mathematical equations, LOVE itself had defy the laws, the norms of nature, yes, we cud defy gravity with love, we cud push ourselves even further that no amount of petrol can supply for the aircraft to go, it can also ignite even uncountable quantity fuel of passion that continue to burn for eternity or as long as the love remains, and not only that, it can also act as aerofoil on the wing that uplifts the spirit and makes us believe that we can overcome impossibilities by overcoming all those unwanted obstacles on this harsh, hard, dark pavement of runway we called reality.

So, my friends, despite no matter how high u fly and end up slamming the face of the earth, lets not forget all the adrenaline rush, the anxiety, and the passion that helps us flying back, soaring like a free bird in the sky, let it be the motivator to stand up again, and start things back from scratch. The Wright brothers had done it, we cud do it too, so don’t give up, rise and continue rising like the never ending sun, never give up.

Thank you guys for u just helped me pushed myself further, I can feel the sky is no longer my limit, if anything is keeping me apart from the wonders of the heaven on the other side of the sky, well, bring it on!! Well, gudluck guys, I wish u all the best in life, and may we all meet back together up there in our greatest form, like I had always had wished ;-)

Hmmm

Salam, its been quite sumtime since i last wrote, but i reaaallly wanna jot sumthing down, and now that i have the time, i cant figure out the thins i wanna write bfore.

but recently, i felt my inferiority complex had slightly taken off, but still, its there. i cant seem to figure out why, but then again, a little bit sense of inferior can help ur feet touch on the ground even as u're aiming for the sky.

but now, i think im much better, insyaAllah, tho i dont seem able to find anyone that can confirm this,haha. i just wanna say thanks, and i will continue improving, i definitely will, insyaAllah, may u guys too, like we always had wished ;-)

Always Love, Hate Will Get You Everytime

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah, how’s life? Wow, I tot u got a message from her, well, unfortunately it wasn’t for u eh? Never mind, maybe she’s not the one. Keep on trying eh? ;-)

Looking back at all the things that I’ve jot down in the past few years, I realized dat most of the posts I published had always been about her, her and her only. I think this is enough, I’m starting to write new pages, and I cant keep going on distracted like dis, few times I almost got into accident when I spaced out and that’s just not good. Nasib baik I didnt ran over sumone else's cat dis time

Something bootylicous sweet dreaming eh? Haha, never wud I tot her as anything of that matter, but still, I guess she’s capable of being so, but then again, for me, the women that I’ve loved had always both the inner and outer looks, thus she is no exception. And for me, her beauty is beyond description of words.

However, she now literally hates me now, thus the comment did serve its purpose. We’ve came to a crossroad, and I’m taking a different direction, different route, may our paths never collide again. Thanks, for the few happy moments in life u’ve given me, I never had such feelings before, and I would like to thank you for lots of many other things that I cant seem to have time to jot it down here.
Thank you, and thank you, like I’ve always had ;-)

Now It's Getting Harder

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah, apa khabar? How’s practical? How’s study? Haha, hopefully it goes on well la kan. Whatever it is u’re going thru, just endure it eh, like Saidah said, just follow the flow. Like a river, or perhaps like the wind.

So, life is hard again, but I’m okay, I guess. I don’t know why I bother writing this, but I don’t even know why people would read it, but maybe the reason I can write anything I felt here is because I realize people wouldn’t even read it, thus it’s kinda comforting, haha. They used to say, the safest place is to hide from the enemy is in their den, or so they said.

Looking back at things, at what I’ve achieved in life I realized I didn’t go anywhere despite the how far I’ve traveled, it feels like running around in circles, moving and returning to the same spot everytime, tho I felt exhausted, I’m glad I made an effort, as silly as it seems, I know I’ve achieved sumthing, that may be trivial to others, but a big step towards much bigger success in my life.

Thus, whenever I run on this field, along this track, chasing the ball near the line, with sudden rush of adrenaline pumping, and hearing myself grasping for air, I’m glad, I made effort, and all these had made a very big difference to the hardness that occur in my life, a very big difference to you, a big difference like I've always had ;-)

Waaaah, Takutnya!!

Have it ever occur to u to kill people? Of course there is, me too, I guess, but maybe in a less tragic way, but gotta make it more look like an accident, but yet always make people feel that the incident happened due to some foul play and it was some sort of dark, dirty conspiracy of the big guys, well which is totally ridiculous when such thing happened due to cat crossing the road, haha. No, this is just some sort of small talk, tkda kaitan dgn sesapa pun.

Metaphorically speaking, last night was a heavy rain, luckily there’re stars, and the moon is amazingly round, just like someone’s face, a lovely, round, cute face but people are always ignorantly unaware due to the thick clouds and heavy rain that came along. But still, whenever u’re lost in the dark night, with pitch black emblazoning ur life, it’s still very comforting and assuring to see the small lamp God had given us during those hard times. It’s just sometimes it had always been there for a thousand years that we often forget it may not be the same tomorrow and thus often we take it for granted. But what the heck, it’s a new day, and a new dawn have awaken, the same process will take the same place again, just make sure u’ll do ur best with the time God had given you, like He always had ;-)

Sentimental Thoughts Final, hopefully

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah? Em, penat eh? Esok bola ke? Haha, ko kena naik jd dmf dow, tk best la asyik main defense je kan? Cuba keras sket, main body, dan of course, lari lagi banyak, haha. Well, guess so. But still, first thing first, lets save this sheep, relationsheep, haha. Here goes…

Em, okay,how am I suppose to say this, em, girl, how’s life? How’s exam? Haha, well, I can only assume it’s over. First, let me apologize again if somehow u felt my previous posts are trying to humiliate you, it was of my slightest intention to make u feel that way, however, I’ve made few em…amendments to the regarding posts. So, don’t worry. And I never thought u as hypocrite, or never did I wrote it dat way, so what gives? You are NOT that kind of person, so rest assured.

Second, I ALWAYS WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND, dan it was NEVER my idea to break the bond between us, I just have my reasons for everything that I did, dan AKU SUKAKAN KO, so tolong la faham sket the complications I’m going thru rite now. By the way, Hafiz said I shud let things cool down a bit, so whu wudve tot one of the few hardest thing in life I had to do is resisting myself from u, so give urself a credit now, cause u’re IRRESISTABLE, haha. Dan sori if the way I acted seems to give u the idea that i wanna say gudbye or sumthing. Tk elok kan memutuskan silaturrahim?

Third, I’m the kind of people where I don’t mind strangers, or friends reading my personal love life, for I’m a newbie in such matter, and their perspectives, their ideas that they threw along when they know what I’m going thru really meant sumthing. Hafiz said I shud let things cool down a bit, Dayana said I shud be more relax dn cakap bnyk sket, Sufian kata kalau tknak tak boleh paksa, Zakaria kata kena dress up sket dan pegang mana2 yg patut (which I will never do kalau tk berlapik), Suhaila kata it’s all about tolerance, Mak Lang kata beli la baju bnyak sket dn jaga hati perasaan dia, Azuan kata jodoh boleh berubah kalau kita berusaha, Naqib questioned kenapa aku slalu datang lambat dan mak aku lak, well, lets just say she’s glad I’m not gay, haha. Girl, aside from friends and family, people whu spent their time reading this loooongggg piece of my mind are the people that I don’t mind telling them about my personal life. This blog, even it was public, but the content mostly focus on my feelings, thus if u bothered to read this, if u bothered to know my feelings, then I wouldn’t feel bothered to ask for your opinion, for your ideas, or perhaps share my personal love life. So, don’t worry, not everybody’s going to read this, it’s not facebook. It’s not fancy, but it’s just me.

Fourth, I’d like to apologize for everything bad memories that I had cause, I made you wait too long, and when I rush I sweat thus emanating unwanted odors, I forgot the fact u’re so happy with the car, I’m always keeping quiet, thus making u bored, but believe me, I can stare ur face all day long, I’m sorry that I didn’t greet ur parents properly, I was nervous and very cautions that I forget those little basic things, I will always be nervous whenever I’ like someone, It may take a looong time, haha, and I’m sorry again for being conservative and narrow minded, it’s just sometimes I forgot that u came from a large groups of friends, which is unlike me at all. I cant undo the damages, but only learn from the experience.

Fifth, sori la eh, gamba2 tu mungkin tak boleh blah bg ko, but still memberikan makna yang mendalam kepada aku. After all, a picture is worth a thousand words, and my feelings, are beyond description of words and visual. And for me, writing this blog is almost the same like writing ur own will, and if sumday I’m no longer breathing on the surface of this lovely earth, I just wanna make sure that my friends and my family know my story, my life, know that I once fell in love with you, my friend.

Thanks, bless you guys and girls, bless you miss, like He always had ;-)

Sentimental Thoughts Third

Assalamualaikum Hanafiah, how’s life? Em, it’s kinda boring rite now, at night, with no internet, no tv, well, looks like I’ve gotta make use with all the time that I had to the greatest use possible. But this practical timing really helped me a lot, at least my mind is occupied thus it took off some unwanted sour memories, and I’m so damn busy rite now, no time to be sentimental. But still, despite the loudness of the ATR and Dash-7 or the APU, I still find myself empty, and hollow with this sudden rush of loneliness overflowing into every vein in my body, like blood only accompanied by some high decibels mixture of humming engine sound. Well, no wonder they said ‘someone STOLE my heart’ ;-)

How is she? How are u girl? How’s life? Are u feeling better today? What did u do today? How was ur day? Did anybody tried to hit on you? Haha, I guess such questions are obsolete rite now, and its kinda perplexing that I cud never ask such questions again, well, it looks like the theory of turning into strangers doesn’t only apply to u girl, but as much I want to resist such thing to occur, I’m affected as well, but lets hope it wont stay forever.

Girl, there’re so much things that I wanna say, directly, but it seems the chance is running slim, and here I am writing this piece of my mind, I don’t know how long will I recover from this incident, if I could see this coming, I would’ve tried even better, but then again, it’s already too late.

Well, I don’t know why, but I cant seem to distant myself from you, I cant even bother to hate you despite all the things that u said, yup, u’re rite, and I’m to blame totally, but still…I don’t know, I just wished I had done something, but I cant seem to find any, thus in the end, u had made a very wise decision, no, u’ve just dodge the greatest bullet in your life. I am after all no good to you, we just didn’t suit each other, and that’s the truth, and u know what they said about the truth kan?

I can only say this, despite how stranger we will become, how distant the relationship between us, lets remember this, I will always thought you as my best friend, my first ever, the first female ever to help me come to where I am today, and as much as I want to stay on longer with you, some greatest lesson in life must be taught alone, and here I am. Thanks girl, for one of the my greatest lesson too in life, came from you, even tho it was kinda painful, and sour memory, but it really educated me, and that’s the only objective I can achieve rite now. Em, if u somehow u find urself in a big trouble, money, or maybe just need a hint on guy’s perspective, not that my weird perspective wud help u a lot, but still, I’d be very glad to assist you. I may not be one of your top ten internet friends, or no longer will be able to send u some fancy gifts, or leisurely send u sms to ask if we’re going to hit any theater on the weekends, but hei, I’ll always be there when you need me. Tell me where and I’ll come rushing. I may not be able to love you endearingly like a lover, but I would gladly love you as a friend.

One of the few things that I picked up during running is perseverance, and it was never in my slightest intention to give up, but right now, I’m just slowing down my pace, and choose another route, and hopefully with God’s grace I will find the finishing line to every moments in my life, and my moments with u had gone just like the wind that blows onto my face, it was refreshing, very awakening, and with it I’m able to continue breathing, and now I’m back on my feet again, just like I always had, but dont worry, the cool breeze will blow its way again. Thanks girl, thank you so much :-)