Thank You for Everything

Ok, here is a picture. I am indeed speechless, but hey, picture's worth a thousand words.



Back then, in form 2, i was sitting in front, the 1st row,near the window and corridor,at that time, but often I look back and saw her face. I thought 'sapa ni? tak pernah nampak pun?' but then when i was in form 3 I usually go at the back of the class, and I'd stare her for few seconds and i know that she'll affect my life in the future,and now, here it comes, but then, it was already too late.

I'm already too late to make amends, already too late to gather my courage and already too late. I really wished I cud've taken your picture more, and now getting the slr camera seems pointless. It's funny too that tho we're (used to be) best friend, I didnt have many of your pictures. If there's anything I wud like to do before you go anymore further, is to take more of your pictures and give you a bouquet of flowers, but I guess it's already too late.


That night, I borrowed motor from uncle Keba, and rode the motor up the hill,and took this picture. All of my other shots were blurry, and for I dont know how many times, I felt the tears falling through.

These few years, my life sucked a lot, but you've become my sunshine and made all the dark clouds go away, i didnt realize that, and I took you for granted,it's really my loss, and i'm facing the consequences. It sucks eh to not know that you really love someone only after when she or he is gone.

Now that she's gone, I felt a huge part of my body was taken, I felt hollow, miserable and painful, but your happiness is my first priority. I tried to make myself busy with trivial matters, but i could never lie to myself, so I was very relieved for what I did.

I could only pray the best for you friends, and I'll try to keep my distance if it requires, if that's for the best interest of both parties, not because I hate you, but its the other way around; seeing you walking the aisle with someone else, while used to have strong sense of emotion that could never, ever be released could just bottling up to an unwanted pain in my heart.

I will run further, and improve myself, and hopefully I'll find another better destination to end this. Adalah penting untuk kita bersangka baik dengan ketentuan Allah.

When the time comes, like every tears that fall through, every anger and pain that can't never be vent out, these will vanish and disappears just like the cold wind sweeping every drops of the sweat and tears.I can't thank you enough, I'm speechless,and feeling awkward right now, but I will still always pray for you and you will always be my best friend, like you've always had.

ps: revised and edited in Andrew Ure Hall, Parsonage Row, High Street, Glassgow for the purpose of making sure any respective person remains anonymous.

Running and Its Metaphor

Running eh? I dunno why I bother writing this, it’s not like anybody’s gonna read it, but stil, like my other posts, hopefully it will remind me one of the enjoyable times or what I once felt. Em, I dunno when I started to like to run, there’re lotsa times when it ignites my passion to do so, during Japanese serial dramas dat I borrowed from Sufian, or maybe from the Forest Gump, or maybe whenever I heard some genre of songs (Jrock, Jpop, emo, rock, etc), maybe since I enrolled into Khidmat Negara, or maybe it started ever since I was in primary school.


The few things I really like about running is the cool breeze that blew softly into my face, the dirt and terrain I’m running, the scenery of the Almighty’s creation and the perplexing face of it dwellers, the smile they replied whenever I pass them by, the cerulean blue skies, the sensation of pushing myself while hearing some inspiring music and the most important is the panting, the gasping for oxygen whenever I end my run, the sign that I’m alive and kickin’! :-) All these are the crucial factors that burned my passion.


Running, for me, it WAS a form of exercise. Back then, in PLKN, I really hate the fact that I was enlisted in the programme, so the 1st day I went there, I decided to rip all the goodness this program can provide me. I started doing sit-ups, exercise like hell, day and night; well…consider it as the time to play, since SPM was just over. Nothing to care about, only the fear of knowing ur SPM results, which turned up a pretty much an expected sour memory, haha


But now, like Haruki Murakami-san, the running novelist, running is not just a form of exercise, but it’s also some sort of a metaphor. For me, I realize that I could improve, and progress, to become a better person. My life didn’t suck, I made it dat way, I choose to be dat way, and I’m utterly to blame la kan? (Sesungguhnya setiap yang baik itu dari Yang Maha Esa, dan setiap keburukan itu datangnya dari kelemahan kita sendiri)


So, by running, I always remind myself to push, and push, and push again. Back then, when I’m stil like er..90+ kg or sumthing, I pushed myself further whenever I jog. I said “c’mon Hanafiah, u can do this, u can do this!” and life was pretty much sucks back then when u started, people said dis, and dat, not to mention dat ur mom is trying to add it, not by the bad talk tho, but by her delicious, large amount of cooking, haha. I was always like “ adoi, ni mesti masak lemak tu lagi la ni” or “this is one hell of a curry!”. But most of the time I was like “lari, lari lagi, c’mon, paksa diri sikit!” and somewhere between the evolution of a fat boy, loser and a nerd without the knowledge to someone who I am today an average Joe, I started to murmur “c’mon Hanafiah, u can do dis! Dun’t u wanna improve ur lifestyle? The way you feel? U may not be able to improve urself financially or your unhandsome face, u may not clever, but u can do this. Other people are working their ass of hardly, early in the morning, and u just wanna sit there? Ur mom, look, even at the age 62 she can go very far, what about u? U’re a loser, and u will always be if u can’t make it” or os I said. Oh, when I said ‘my mom can very go far’, it really meant she can go very far, until Shah Alam from Melawati, with car dat is, haha.
Frankly, like Haruki-san too, whatever came in my mind during these times isn’t much worth mentioning except for certain things, but this is why it had become a metaphor for me, the reason I strive. And later, I found myself browsing the Runner’s World mag, started to check out the jogging shoes, and preparing my music list during the jog.

Other than that, I ran sometimes to forget things, to loose all the pain in my heart that stuck on my chest, but still, from my previous experiences no amount of sweat, or distance that could make one's mind free from the excruciating pain of the heart. Only that pain, become some sort of drugs to prevent fatigue and it'll become like some sort of motivation to push yourself further. Usually, I'd always told myself to run away from that pain, yet, it's still there. For such pain that involves heart, only time is the best cure.


When I wrote this, I manage to run, or jog, at least until Wangsa Maju, following the normal route thru rumah Daim. I dunno how far, but I’m pretty much psyched up, haha. Now, I found myself excited with all new route, new terrains, the last time, I manage to follow until Permata, or somewhere near Keramat, near her house, yes, HER house (I’m not telling who she is). I dunno why, ever since I started running, I found myself tried to finish somewhere near her house. Maybe I was hoping I would bump onto her, or accidentally fell in front of her house, but unfortunately I was never lucky enough. So, when I saw Hidayat near the traffic light, he said “Ko pergi mana dowh?” Ha? Ko pergi mana tu? Dah la, hentikan je la, mcm stalker dow” so I was like ‘erkk’, he hit the right spot. Haha, it’s not like dat was the first time anyone would say, but before this I always said it before my friend gave out that statement.

And this shoe, this shoe had taken me very far. Haha, it’s supposed to be a futsal shoe, despite its worn out looks, it had served me well, a great tool, and a great friend. I think I will be using it for quite some time more. Ive been using this shoe for lots of purposes, during my restless night run, during the lowest self esteem i've ever had in life and lots more. I managed to reach her house using it, and Fatin's house too, thanks a lot Acuna.


I guess it’s time I’m changing route, continue moving on, continue improving, and that’s just the few aspects of life I had to live with, and hopefully time will heal all these scars away. I will improve myself, I will run with the wind blowing across me, leaving the footprints on the pavements, my sweat overflowing until one no longer able to differentiate between sweat and tears, and i'll run during the day or night, or anytime I felt like running, I will run anywhere this feet will take me, and with God’s grace, may I find the most beautiful destination to end my run, and may it’ll be the same for you too.
Like I’ve always had :)

The Running of Sorrow, Grief and Regrets

Em…okay, dis is something I’ve to jot down, I’ve to, it’s one of the most few memories I’d refuse to forget. On dis day, that is the night of 15 August and early morning of 16 August 2009 I dunno why, I refused to sleep, I decided at 3 a.m. I wud go for a run, considering the pace I’m going.

The reason I did this because I felt … empty? I’m not sure, lost maybe? But whatever it is, I was uncertain what I felt at that time, I know that my chest kinda stuck with something indescribable yet it felt hollow somehow, and later it develop into an emotional pain, the only medicine I had was the tears that flowing unstoppably down my cheek when I was driving to City Bazaar to repair the Dreamcast and during the final rakaat of my Isya’ prayer.

I guess looks like I’ve lost it again, the diamond that I shud’ve held, shud’ve grasped firmly, for the second time maybe? During the run, I can’t really describe what I was thinking, why did I made that decision to run at 3 a.m. in the morning, I can feel that the drivers or motorcyclist was staring weirdly, but I tried to ignore them. Then, perhaps the most challenging part is sometimes when u heard the dog’s bark (luckily I turned on my mp3 player quite high, unlike my 1st time running during night) and the sudden chill that struck you, as if someone, maybe something is right behind you. I dunno whether I was super curiously brave or just playing dumb, I often looked behind, and it was always a relief, this was ridiculous excruciating, but this is good, it’s one of the few medicines I need, at least for now. It took me quite 9-10 years to forget someone last time; I wonder how long it’ll take to recover for this one?

I ran, and ran again, not certain why the heck I did that, why did I made the decision, I know I must do it, I must do it to forget her, let the overflowing sweat cooled off my fire-scratched heart and the agonizing pain to forget the pain from the scar hopefully. Well, I guess dis is it then, life’s full of possibilities and changes, sometimes it can be as slow as a tortoise, yet it can become abruptly fast like lightning, and dis time around, I’m just not ready yet to face the change, at least not until I’ve finished the run.

Then later in the morning, I went for a run again in Titiwangsa, still, the feelings didnt go away. I ran harder, and tried to push myself further,until one couldnt differentiate between the sweat and tears, but why it didnt go away? i wear myself out, felt every bit of pain in every part of my body, yet the pain in my chest is the hardest. Later, when i got home, i broke again until fallen asleep.

Yeah, it was a short distance, it wasn’t far, but I’m glad I started that run. And to you my dearest friend, even if you're beyond my reach or we barely keep in touch again, u'll always be my best friend, at least that's the best I can do, for I'd rather have you as my friend then not having you in my life at all, tho the consequences, the pain is barely tolerable and unimaginable.

Remember that I’ll always…always pray for your best, and hope that u’ll be blessed with great success and great love, amin. This run, I wonder how long it'll take. We'll always become best friends like we've always had :-)

Pencawang Elektrik

Pencawang Elektrik
Andai pernah engkau bandingkan,
Ciptaan tuhan dan ciptaan manusia,
Pencawang elektrik perlu engkau bandingkan,
Titik tolak untuk ilmiah yang tidak sia-sia.

Kiranya engkau pernah melihat pencawang elektrik,
Di tepi highway atau di tepi sawah,
Begitu besar dan tinggi tetapi antik,
Namun tetap berdiri megah.

Oh Pencawang elektrik,
Walau setinggi mana engkau didirikan,
Kau tidak akan pernah sesuai dan tidak fit,
Apatah lagi menggantikan,
Tiang lutsinar yang menyangga langit.

Oh Pencawang elektrik,
Aku dan kau; kita lebih kurang serupa,
Jika engkau ciptaan manusia,
Aku ciptaan tuhan yang esa,
Kita kan luput; akan mati dimamah usia.

Oh Pencawang elektrik,
Hidup kita dipenuhi duri dan ranjau,
Pelbagai tugas selesai perlu,
Menyambung bekalan elektrik tugas kau,
Menjadi khalifah di muka bumi tanggungjawab aku :-)

Happy father's day :)

Hmm....

Okay, i've gotta admit that in life, i was never a cool one, i knoe that i had always done things wrongly, and it annoys me that friends don't believe me too. I guess this is the result when u've always been a loser,non? well, i'm writing dis just as a reminder so that I'll try to improve and become a better person, like i've always had wanted :)

What I Want for My Besday?

So, few days back, no, maybe a week ago, i got a fon call from ayah, which is really weird to call someone by something u shud be closest to when he is the stranger of my life, and in case for future reference, i wrote this matter late bcos i was reaally busy, with the final year project stuf and sum last minute assignments, and i'm really disappointed that the Red Devils won the Premier League. I really need to convey this to someone (or something) other than mak, i don't know, i just felt the urge to. Yeah, i dont talk dis matter to Sufian, or Fatin, or any or my housemates, well, i ges i've my reasons, i've always had, haha.

So, ayah called, but i was sleeping and i called him back, wondering what's the matter about. He asked my birthday,so i told him. I told mak, after hearing few curses, she said it's too late to give me a present for my birthday, but i don't really care.

Then, few days back, mak called me, this time she needed me to verify my place of study, and when my graduation is. I don't really know how to explain the later part, but dis is enuf for my future reference. Ayah, i will NEVER be like you, i promised this to myself, like I've always had

Mother's Day eh?

Sejak aku kecil la, it never happened in our family for us to celebrate Mother's Day. Setiap hari, even on dis special occassion pun aku slalu je melawan dan meninggi suara ngan mak aku. Tp, semakin dimamah usia, kalau dulu mak aku mesti sebat aku dgn rotan balik, tp sekarang dia balas sikit2 je. Aku selalu je tak bersyukur, tak sedar betapa beruntungnya ada mak, ada rumah untuk aku pulangkan diri aku kepadanya, dan rumah itu tidak kosong, walaupun aku msih bujang, dan awek pun tarak, tapi mak aku ada menunggu kepulanganku. Aku sedar, benda ni takkan kekal lama, dan apabila sampai masa tu nanti, Ya Allah, apabila smpai nya masa itu, pastikan lah aku tidak pernah berasa kesal kerana tidak memperlakukan ibuku dengan sebaik rupa, amin. Semoga mak aku berjaya di dunia dan akhirat, like she always had :)

Already Too Late

19 September 2004 - Nafi was sleeping soundly in his room until his mom suddenly knocked his door. “Adik, bukak pintu ni!! What’re you doing in there? Wake up!” his mom shouted followed by a few bangs on the door. “Ya la, ya la, sabor le” he replied profusely, and hurried to the door an unlocked it.

“Yeah mom, what is that you want?’
“I wanna talk something to you”
“What’s wrong? I don’t think I’ve crashed your car or anything...”
“It’s almost maghrib, go and take your bath first, after that we’ll discuss about it”

“Hmm, ya lah,” he replied while looking to his watch. ‘Damn, melepas lagi la main bola hari ni nampaknya’ he murmured. Later that night, he went to see his mother in her room. “Mom, what is it you wanted to discuss with me earlier?’ he asked, having no idea what she really wanted to speak about while clearing up some space to sit. The room’s so crowded with question papers and student’s examination answer sheet. Not to mention the pile of reference books and files that has been cramping up the room thus making him wished that his mother had a bigger room.

“You know, I really wanted you to meet this particular person…”
“What person?”
“You know that man…”

“That man who refused to stay with us? The man who didn’t want to identify himself when he wanted to know about my PMR results? The man who asked me to be sent to the welfare’s house?” suddenly he interrupted, giving her mother no chance to answer each question coming from him.

“Ha, mom, don’t get it wrong, I’ve no grudge, or whatsoever against him, but I just…” he continued.

“I know, I know, but it’s high time for you to meet him. If it’s not now, I don’t think you’ll have this chance again. Besides, we’re getting older everyday, if anything happened to him, I don’t want you to blame me” his mom’s turn to interrupt his words. Nafi was silent for a while. He thought that grown-ups must really hate their words to be interrupted and how her statement was quite true, and began to wonder about lots of things.

“Ok lah, but what should I address him?”
“It’s up to you”
“Hmm, ya lah”
“Okay, so tomorrow night, we’ll go and meet him”
“Tapi, mak janganla pegi mana-mana lak. I want you by my side”
“Mesti la” his mother replied, with a faint smile, thus giving her son a little sense of relief from his beginning-to-occur nervousness.

20 September 2004 - The Proton car accelerating towards Ampang. “Mom, do we really have to go this fast?” Nafi asked. He realized his heart began to beat faster. This is the first time he felt nervous while sitting in a car that was driven 70 km/ph. “Why? Are you really that nervous?” his mom asked, realizing her son’s feelings also affected hers. “No, why should I?” he tried to cover up, knowing that his mother could sense his nervousness. He learnt at that time that there are things he couldn’t hide from his mother. They were silent after that throughout the journey, only accompanied by the loud songs played by the radio.

Later, after they reached the destination, located in front of Hospital Ampang Puteri, his mother said “so, looks like this is the place” as she gets out of the car. “Mom, do we really have to do this?” Nafi asked, hoping his mother would say no and go back home. “Of course,” his mother replied, short but firmly.
They went across the street and into the restaurant. As they enter the premise, they saw a man sitting, with a stick next to him.

“Is that the guy?”
“Yes, that’s the one”

“Oh, okay…” he whispered as they sit together. He tried to examine him carefully, trying not to show any sign of fatigue or sleepy due to his football game earlier that evening. It’s been years since he gave such concentration to something and sometimes wonders how to initiate the same effect in classroom. “Ni Nafi la ni?” the man asked as they both shake hands. “Er... ya saya,” he replied hesitantly. “Ni dah ada girlfriend belum?” he asked looking to his mother, realizing the boy’s feelings. ‘Ha? After all this years you’ve been leaving me, and now, the first question you asked is this?’ he whispered to himself in disbelief. ‘Am I that ugly that you think I couldn’t find a girlfriend?’ he continued.

“Do you play any sports?” that man asked again. “Er..ada la sikit. I play football sometimes” Nafi replied. ‘Apa ni? Now you’re trying to say I’m fat because I don’t exercise enough? Just because I’m 89 kg, doesn’t mean my punches could become any slower! So you wanna fight, huh? Bring it…’ he paused murmuring, realizing he’s becoming too prejudice of that person. He suddenly felt that he had now become a real jerk, and decided to stop giving out negative statements.

“Excuse me sir, may I take your order please?”
“Let me have this…” that man replied while browsing the menu. After finished ordering, they had some conversation.
“How’s your study?”
“Okay je…”
“SPM’s around the corner, are you prepared?”
“I hope so”
“I wish you the best”
“Thank you”

While eating, Nafi spent most of his time looking on the food, and hears his mom with that guy swapping stories and news. Sometimes he glanced towards him. He tried to find any similarities between him and that man.

After the meal, that man asked Nafi to buy cigarettes from the 7-11 nearby. Nafi accepted the request thinking how ironic that he on the other hand, never took up smoking as a way to past time after eating and hoped he won’t be like him. As he walk slowly towards outside, he heard that man, and his mom chattered, reminiscing their old days.

Later that night, Nafi and his mom gave a lift to that man to his house. After that, Nafi walked him straight to the gate, helping him with his stick. Before the final farewell, that man managed to hug him. In that dark night, brightened by a dim neon lights of the street, Nafi saw a tear, shed by that man.

He realized that that man had made a big mistake, the one that couldn’t be undone, and the damage couldn’t be fixed, the feelings that were hurt could never be healed and it was already too late.
Later, in the car while driving back home, it was silent for a while until his mom suddenly asked.

“So, what do you think?”
“It’s like what you said”
“Do you feel angry, or upset? Or anything else?”

“Nope, mom, you’ve given me lots of things, and I realize, ever since I was born, I’ve been living like a silver spoon in my mouth and never once I regret him not being together with us. All my needs were fulfilled, and that’s enough,” he said while looking outside.

“Yes, and I realize you didn’t address him anything”
“Hmm, I felt kinda awkward”
“And perplexed. Sure, you can’t expect to force 17 years of time to be packed in one night’s time, besides…”
“Besides it’s already too late.”
“Hmm…right.” They ended that conversation there. And tomorrow, everything was back to usual like they had always had.

Arsenal vs Manchester United 2nd Leg Champions League 2009

Argh, napa kalah lg? 4-1 kot agreget ni? Argh!!!!Kalah besar kat home kot, apa ni Arsenal? Buat sia2 aku tak tido malam je, nsb baik kelas tkda sngat pagi tu.

Tak guna nyer Ronaldo, ko bajet lepas gian la tk rembat time 1st leg dulu? Ko nasib baik je la, Fletcher, padan muka ko kena sent off, kan bagus Ronaldo ke, Rooney yg kena? Rafael ni aku rasa mcm nk henjut je!!

Bodoh nyer Gibbs, pasal ko rentak game dah terjejas, arghhh!!!Nasib ko baik je Ferguson, lain kali ko tgk la. Harap2 tapau la ko ngan Barca nanti.

Wenger, rileks, take time and build your super power squad, concentrate kat defend b nyk sket la !!C'mon Arsenal, berusaha lagi like you guys had always had :)

A Trip to GHKL

Salam, em, today, I phoned mom, so other than mumbling abt the high maxis postpaid bils, she talked about she went to GH to finish some business abt her student's practical posting. So, she saidm, dat at the age of 62, she's felt blessed dat she's stil sane, and thanks to her tiring, repetitive work at MSU, she manages to keep all the exercises, social needs, enjoy new circle of friends and have lots of fresh perspectives in life, not to mention all the kindness her students showed. Yeah, at the age of 62, being a single, waking up early in the morning after Subuh, going to work in S.Alam from Ulu Klang, and return back home is something that I tot not most people wud do. Mak also said dat how lucky, and how thankful she is. Well, Mak, I cud only pray for your best in life, and I'll try to become a better son, InsyaAllah. I posted this, just as a reminder of how thankful I shud be. Life is hard, reality sucks, but every cloud have its silver lining kan? so, semoga berjaya Hanafiah, like u've always had :)

Manchester United vs Arsenal Champions League Semifinal First Leg

Argghh,apa ni?Apsal tk defend betul2?!!!Kalau seri dah senang dh kerja kat Emirates nnt, weih, Gibbs, bg bola masuk celah kangkang buat apa?!?!! Bangsat tul!!!

Arghh, nsb baik Almunia power kot, defend korang semua buat apa? gaji juta2, hidup main bola je pun bola cmtu tkleh nk tahan? tkpa, cuba lg nnt, sial tul O'Shea, nsb ko baik je arini.

C'mon Gunners, the Rome Stadio is waiting for us like it always had :)